 Category :: Humor Articles |
Author :: Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com  |
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| Article Title :: Mexican Immigrants Flock To National Guard; Hope To Patrol Border |
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| Mexican immigrants, upon hearing of President Bush’s intention to send the National Guard to patrol our borders with Mexico, flocked to Guard headquarters across the nation to sign up for duty.
While waiting in line, an applicant, Carlos Amigos, exclaimed, “The President has given us a truly wonderful opportunity to help our families and friends in Mexico. Now we have a much better chance of helping them get to America.”
The Guard, stretched thin by deployment in Iraq and its need to be at the ready to assist in case of a national emergency, was quick to accept the swarm of new recruits.
The head of the National Guard, fresh from testimony on Capi (read full article) |
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| Category :: Humor Articles |
Author :: Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com |
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| Article Title :: Saddam Hussein Accused Of Crimes Against Ties |
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| Saddam Hussein, now formally charged with crimes against humanity, is now faced with charges by irate tie makers.
“This man is guilty of killing the tie business,” a representative of the plaintiffs stated immediately after his arrival from New York’s garment district. “And the evidence is right before your eyes. Every day he shows up in court wearing a white shirt without a tie.”
Mr. Hussein defended his actions, saying, “It’s perfectly understandable why I avoid ties. I don’t want to feel anything tight around my neck, at least, until I don’t have a choice. Meanwhile, I have every right to hang loose.”
(read full article) |
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| Category :: Humor Articles |
Author :: Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com |
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| Article Title :: Nominee Insists CIA Must Get Out Of The News: No Secret Agents Left |
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| Four-Star General Michael Hayen, in confirmation hearings before the Senate, insisted that it’s time for the CIA “to get out of the news.” He went on to explain, “We’re supposed to be a secret outfit but between illegal disclosures of our members, hearings about how we’re handling things, and nominations, we don’t have any secret agents left.”
In response to his plea, the committee continued to grill him while a crowd of news photographers continued to snap pictures of him, which would no doubt appear on the front pages of newspapers around the world.
The General, continuing to make his case, pleaded, “How can you infiltrate a terror cell undetecte (read full article) |
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| Category :: Humor Articles |
Author :: Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com |
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| Article Title :: Consumer Prices Gas Up; Surprised, Wall Street Tanks |
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| As the price of gasoline continued its flaming ascent and interest rates rose once again, the Fed announced that consumer prices were edging up. Surprised, Wall Street tanked.
An analyst for Bear Stearns explained, “Individual indicators don’t necessarily predict the overall trend. But, of course, if prices had gone down, that might have meant a slowdown in sales, which could also have sent stocks into the tank.”
A frazzled individual investor, who witnessed his portfolio lose over 50% of its value in five minutes, took a swig of Mylanta, and said, “I’ve gotten used to the ups and downs. The only thing that goes up all the time is my blood pressure.” (read full article) |
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| Category :: Humor Articles |
Author :: Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com |
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| Article Title :: Apple Opens Store On Border Near Tijuana; Considers It High Traffic Zone |
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| Apple computer, fresh from opening a new retail store in the Big Apple, headed next to the Mexican border.
CEO Steve Jobs commented, “We want to have an Apple store wherever there are a lot of people, and it’s hard to think of a more likely location than the Mexican border just across from Tijuana. It's a real high-traffic zone. And when those Mexicans come running across, we want to be there to sell them an Apple product.”
Microsoft head Bill Gates stated, “This is just another instance of Apple engaging in unfair competition. We’re at a competitive disadvantage because we don’t have any retail stores. What can we do except encourage Circuit City and Be (read full article) |
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| Category :: Humor Articles |
Author :: Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com |
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| Article Title :: Pat Robertson Confesses! God Upset With Him; Tells Him He Lost His Mind |
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| In the wake of having reported that God told him Tsunami-like storms were likely to hit the U. S. coasts this year, Pat Robertson appeared on his TV program visibly shaken, and announced, “God has told me something else, and it’s something I didn’t want to hear. He said, ‘Pat, you lost your mind.’
“Naturally, I was surprised and asked why he would ever think such a thing of me.
“God went on to ask, ‘Did you report that I told you America should assassinate Hugo Chavez, the leader of Venezuela?’
“'Yes, I did,' I confessed.
“’And did you recently tell people I told you that this year I’m going to send fearsome storms (read full article) |
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| Category :: Humor Articles |
Author :: Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com |
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| Article Title :: Enron Trial Goes To Jury; Ken Lay Doesn't Notice |
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| The trial of the defendants in the collapse of Enron went to the jury, but it seems that Ken Lay, the chairman and principal defendant, didn’t notice.
A reporter asked him how such an important event escaped his attention.
“Well, to tell you the truth,” Mr. Lay said, “I hardly ever notice anything. I mean, I didn’t notice anything was wrong when Enron’s finances were going up in flames like an oil well on fire right outside my office window. So it’s only understandable that I wouldn’t notice a little thing like the jury going off to deliberate how much time I’ll spend in jail.”
“What were you thinking about instead?” the reporter (read full article) |
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| Category :: Humor Articles |
Author :: Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com |
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| Article Title :: Ancient Mayan Mummy Proves A Tattoo Is Forever |
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| Evidence of the extraordinary longevity of tattoos has finally been discovered, in a mummified Mayan female whose panoramic tattoos have lasted almost two thousand years.
Tattoo artists were ecstatic at the discovery, immediately citing the mummy as proof that once you’re lucky enough to have a tattoo, you can forget about upkeep.
On the other hand, those who have decorated themselves with tattoos but in later years regretted the colorful self-mutilation, were widely distressed by the discovery. As one man with a prominent tattoo on the pierced tip of his nose told us, “I suspect when I’m finally old enough to feel really stupid about this tattoo it’ll still (read full article) |
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| Category :: Humor Articles |
Author :: Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com |
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| Article Title :: The Da Vinci Code; This Year's Biblical Box-Office Bonanza |
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| The Da Vinci Code is now off and running as this year’s megabuck Biblical controversy. Question is, why do we seem to be afflicted with such a nearly annual entity?
Slight thought reveals the obvious. Given the big numbers that a major studio has to turn to make a return on a movie, it’s hardly a wonder that they keep turning to what they, in their needy bottom lines, consider the biggest subjects available.
Apparently, The Bible is pretty much at the top of their list.
Here they can find one topic after another that, treated cannily enough, is guaranteed to outrage the sensibilities of millions of comparatively sincere and innocent people – and, (read full article) |
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| Category :: Humor Articles |
Author :: Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com |
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| Article Title :: Hockey Summer Season; Will Be Played On Roller Skates |
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| Professional hockey associations, long mournful of the unfortunately seasonal nature of their game, have decided to give the boys of summer a run for their money.
To effect the balmy transformation, the teams will transform their footwear from ice skates to roller skates.
The players are not entirely comfortable with the proposal.
One star expressed concern, saying, “I’m really good on ice skates, but I never even put on a pair of roller skates.”
To help accustom the players to the transition, the association has ruled that the wheels on the unaccustomed skates may be painted silver. They reason that with this clever alteration the pl (read full article) |
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