| Love, Santa |
Dear Friends, I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem. The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers-piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird shit. On top of all this! Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January. Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest you get your asses down to Walmart before everything is gone. Love, Santa |
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| Poor Turkey! |
When I was a young turkey, new to the coop, my big brother Tom took me out on the stoop, then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow, and he told me there was something that I had to know. His look and his tone I will always remember, when he told me of the horrors of.... Black November. "Come around August, now listen to me, each day you'll get six meals instead of just three, and soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin, and you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin. And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed, in will burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head, Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald 'n pink, and scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink. And then comes the worst part", he said not bluffing, "She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing". Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat, and as I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat, I decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked, I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked. I began a new diet of nuts and granola, high-roughage salads, juice and diet cola. And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes, I stayed in my room doing my fitness tapes. I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half, and tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed. But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath, as they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death. And sure enough when Black November rolled around, I was the last turkey left in the entire compound. So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap. I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap. She held me today, while sewing and humming, and smiled at me and said..... "Christmas is coming..." |
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| Homemade Bargain Gift |
Here's a money saving tip for Christmas: Glue Ju Ju Bee on a Brick and mail it out as a fruitcake!-Julie Brown |
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| Christmas at the Post Office |
Mail your packages early so that the post office can lose them in time for Christmas!-Johnny Carson |
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| The Office Christmas Party |
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day!-Phyllis Diller |
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| Believing in Santa |
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Clause. Unfortunately, so did my parents, so I never got anything!-Charlie Viracola |
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| The Miracle of Christmas |
I think the real miracle of Christmasis how I get through it each year without killing my relatives!-Reno Goodale |
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| Jews & Christmas |
December 25 is National Jews Go to the Movies Day!-Jon Stewart |
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| Bad Santa |
A little girl asked santa to send her a sister. Santa said on one condition, send me your mother. |
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| Christmas Jokes - Question and Answer |
|Q: What do elves learn in school?A: The Elf-abet!Q: What's the most popular wine at Christmas?A: "I don't like sprouts" !Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get? A: Missletoe! Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A: Frostbite. Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed? A: Because he had low elf esteem. Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens? A: So he can ho-ho-ho. Q: Where do polar bears vote?A: The North Poll. Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper? A: Ribbon hood. Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter ?A: Because it's to far to walk.Q: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?A: Forty feet of track - all straight! Q: What kind of bird can write?A: A PENguin.Q: How does Al Gore's household keep Christmas politically correct?A: On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree.Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? A: Sandy Claus!Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? A: Fleece Navidad!Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?A: North Polish.Q: Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?A: Because it has long-distance runners on each side.Q: What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?A: Crisp Cringle.Q: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?A: We'll have a boo Christmas without you. Q: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?A: Okay everyone, sack time!!Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast? A: Snowflakes. Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called? A: A subordinate claus.Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?A: He wanted to sleep like a log.Q: Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E? A: Because the angel had said, "No L!"Q: What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh? A: Santa caught in a revolving door! Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?A: Because it " soots " him!Q: What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney? A: Pour Santa flush on him. Q: Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel? A: Its true . . . Comet cleans sinks!Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? A: Claustrophobic.Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?A: Because every buck is dear to him.Q: How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"Q: Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet of handkerchiefs for Christmas?Q: Olive ?A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.Q: Olive?A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"Q: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?A: It was wound up already.Q: What's a good holiday tip?A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter. |
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