| An elderly woman entered a large furniture store... |
An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked."Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa.""You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested."Sectional schmectional." she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!" |
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| Orange penis |
An old man goes to the doctor and says "Dr., I don't know what's wrongwith me. My dick is orange."The Dr. tells him to pull down his pants and let him take a look. Hehas no idea what is wrong so he asks the guy if he has recently paintedanything orange.The old man said "No."The Dr. thinks for a minute and then asks the guy if he has recentlybeen exposed to any chemicals at work.The old man said "No, I'm retired."The Dr. then asks the guy if he could have been working with anychemicals in his garage.The old man replied "No Dr., I told you, I'm retired. All I do is sitaround all day, watch pornos and eat Cheetos... |
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| An elderly Yuppie boasted to his guests... |
"Look at me." an elderly Yuppie boasted to his guests at his birthday bash. "I've aged like a fine old carefully stored wine.""I certainly have to agree with that." piped-up his obviously long suffering wife. "Henry's cork's been stationary for years." |
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| A couple of geezers were sitting... |
A couple of geezers were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home, havinga little chat. "How are you, Tom?" asked Marvin."I'm not feeling well today - utterly exhausted," Tom replied. "I pulled amuscle and it's killing me.""That pulled muscle shouldn't make you so tired, though.""Well, it does if you pull it a couple of hundred times...." |
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| An old man goes into the Social Security Office... |
An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, show's her the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there, pulldown your pants, and see if you can get disability!" |
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| This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue... |
This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when she heard a voice from above "You will live to be 100." She looked around and didn't see anyone. Again she heard "You will live to be 100." Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of God. I've got 40 more years to live! So off she went to the plastic surgeon. She got everything fixed from head to toe. When she left the plastic surgeon's office, she got hit by a bus,died, and went up to heaven. She said to God "You told me I would live to be 100. I was supposed to have had 40 more years.So how come you let the bus kill me?". God said: "I didn't recognize you". |
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| An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up... |
An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor askes him, "So how has life been treating you?" The old man replies,"The Lord's been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, He turns the light on and when I'm finished, He turns the light off." While the old woman is with the doctor, the doctor told her what her husband said. She replied, "Damn it! The old fart's been pissing in the ice box again!" |
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| An elderly couple in a senior home... |
An elderly couple in a senior's home used to visit the recreation room everyday. While there, the old lady would sit quite contently holding the old guys's penis. One day she goes down to the rec. room and is mortified to find her man with another women holding his penis. "What's she got that I don't have" she says. He looks up with a large smile on his face and replies "Parkinson's" |
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| An elderly couple walk into a doctor office... |
An elderly couple walk into a doctor's office. The man tells the doctor, "Doctor, we want to have a baby." The doctor replies,"At your age I don't think it's possible, but I'll give you a jar, come back in a few days with a sperm sample." So the couple comes back a few days later.They give the doctor an empty jar. The doctor says,"I was afraid of this." The old man says,"No, it's not what you think. I tried it with my left hand. I tried it with my right hand. She tried it with her left hand. She tried it with her right hand. She tried it with her teeth in. She tried it with her teeth out. But we couldn't get the lid off the jar." |
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| An old man and old woman got married and went on their honeymoon... |
An old man and old woman got married and went on their honeymoon. They were in bed getting ready to have sex for the first time and the old woman said I should tell you I have acute angina The old man says I hope so, you sure don't have cute tits. |
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