| A wise choice |
The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorneyand a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston,Texas insurance agent.Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?"Farmer: "That's right."Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse,who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, mydog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt,I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of wordsto say I've never felt better in my life. |
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| Two attorneys went into a diner... |
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches. |
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| How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? |
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the follow- ing agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumina- tion of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement be- tween the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non- negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the afore- mentioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout. 2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes. 3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self- same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non- negotiable. NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm". |
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| A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit... |
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning." |
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| Satanic Barney Proof |
Satanic Barney Proof Given: Barney is a CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR Prove: Barney is satanic The Romans had no letter 'U', and used 'V' instead for printing, meaning the Roman representation would for Barney would be: CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR Extracting the Roman numerals, we have: CV V L DI V And their decimal equivalents are: 100 5 5 50 500 1 5 Adding those numbers produces: 666. 666 is the number of the Beast. Proved: BARNEY IS SATAN! oI=vo ?/$="'" """^SATAN$~ .&?/' `""$$, ,/?/' /-"^. .-=~T, ,/?/' /SATAN| |IS,&' |LT `?\ ``?^I/HATE@:~:$=v. `$k==v.??, `d `$$'9P'I-LOVE=SATAN/$$~?$ ,R/ /$?~^'"""""`"\&&< ?b "`~$P:c: /v==v,#::?<<&:'T| d$/' [|:. ""=o/&. ,P o&Z'`'.##| |MH|| ,$$' `=:$H&=. `"b?b. .&' 96*.-v.:?/`==$&?$&*' `^$?. `*&*\ ,P ?~-~' |$$S>' `7b ,T/&&. d? |T' /b .&J' `> d' T, &`L /|| ?| ?, ||9 JT H ?, H|| ||/ || 9, ||M PJ' || `H bT, ||T || || T/L H|| `b M &T, M| 9, 9 `L9, M| `&. | `?*,9|| `b d `?(|H. `b ?b `* `&. `. J*|b `o/. `&. ,P 9/L 9:&. `9 ?? `H9. *?9 `b .&' |/| `|`. `L ./' `|H d/qZbo. M .,=' ,|T ./~&$$?=??/' `"=H$| H .o='' J| ,*/'' `? `' ./?ov=="*b9, ,$P ,Td ,$$'`' ?|M ,$/ J|| ,$?/ M|| ?$/ M|| |>. .,~9$'' T|| d'M. 9`| `Hi:R&:&&6&="' ./$J| `^". ||M `=Z:"" H|T" `&H&>v bT, .. v,?| M|| .:Z|&. ||H DEATH~>TO9H| `?* ?$`#'H 9ALL|1KIDS* .$/ `bZ& ,o&KILL&/' ?$.:?ooo/*""' `$$b |MAIM*:./' `"""' `' `~?&qDESTROY#/' |
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| A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist... |
A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked:"Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor andsuffer many an indignity. Why is this?"And a great voice was heard from above:"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!" |
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| Sister Margaret died... |
Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She immediately called Saint Peter and said, "This is Sister Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake!" She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he'd get right onit. The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter so she called him again. "Please set this error straight before tomorrow," she begged. "There's an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone *must* attend!" "Of course, Sister," he said. "I'll get you out of there right away." Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning Saint Peter received another phone call from hell. He picked up the receiver with tribulations of his heart and started to listen.He heard the following, "Hey, Pete, this is Maggie. Never mind!" |
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| Preserving the Egg of Life |
Preserving the Egg of LifeObviously, Football is a syndrome of religious rites symbolizing thestruggle to preserve the Egg of Life through the rigors of impendingwinter. The rites begin at the Autumn Equinox and culminate on thefirst day of the New Year, with great festivals identified with bowlsof plenty. The festivals are associated with flowers such as roses;fruits such as oranges; farm crops such as cotton; and even sun-worshipand appeasement of great reptiles such as alligators.In these rites, the Egg of Life is symbolized by what is called"The Oval", an inflated bladder covered with hog skin. The conventionof "The Oval" is repeated in the architectural oval-shaped design ofthe vast outdoor churches in which the services are held every sabbathin every town and city. Also every Sunday in the greater centers ofpopulation where an advanced priesthood performs. These enormouschurches dominate every college campus; no other edifice compares insize with them, and they bear witness to the high spiritual developmentof the culture that produced them.Literally millions of worshipers attend the sabbath services in theseopen-air churches. Subconsciously, these hordes are seeking an outletfrom sexual frustration in anticipation of violent masochism and sadismabout to be enacted by a highly trained priesthood of young men. Footballobviously arises out of the Oedipus complex. Love of mother dominatesthe entire ritual. (Notre Dame and Football are synonymous).The rites are preformed on a green rectangular area orientated to thefour directions. The green area, symbolizing Summer, is striped withominous white lines representing the knifing snows of Winter. Thewhite stripes are repeated in the ceremonial costumes of the fourwhistling monitors who control the services through a time perioddivided into four quarters, symbolizing the four Seasons.The ceremony begins with colorful processions of musicians and semi-nudevirgins who move in and out of ritualized patterns. This excites thethousands of worshipers to rise from their seats, shout frenzied poetryin unison and chant ecstatic anthems through which runs the Oedipustheme of willingness to die for the love of mother.The actual rites, performed by 22 young priests of perfect physique,might appear to the uninitiated as a chaotic conflict concerned onlywith hurting the Oval by kicking it, then endeavoring to rescue andprotect the Egg.However, the procedure is highly stylized. On each side there areeleven young men wearing colorful and protective costumes. The groupin so-called "possession" of the Oval first arrange themselves in anegg-shaped "huddle," as it is called, for a moment of prayerfulmeditation and whispering of secret numbers to each other.Then they rearrange themselves with relation to the position of theEgg. In a typical "formation" there are seven priests "on the line,"seven being a mystical number associated not, as Jung purists mightcontend, with the "seven last words" but actually, with sublimationof the "seven deadly sins" into "the seven cardinal principles ofeducation."The central priest crouches over the Egg, protecting it with hishands, while over his back quarters hovers the "Quarterback." Thetransposition of "back quarters" to "quarterback" is easilyexplained by the Adler School. To the layman the curious postureassumed by the "Quarterback," as he hovers over the central priest,immediately suggests the Cretan origins of Mycenaean animal art,but this popular view is untenable. Actually, of course, the"quarter-back" symbolizes the libido, combining two instincts,namely, a) Eros, which strives for even closer union, and b) theinstinct for destruction of anything which lies in the path of Eros.Moreover, the "pleasure-pain" excitement of the hystericalworshipers focuses entirely on the actions of the libido-quarter-back.Behind him are three priests representing the male triad.At a given signal, the Egg is passed by sleight-of-hand to one ofthe members of the triad who endeavors to move it by bodily forceacross the white lines of Winter. This procedure up and down theenclosure, continues through the four quarters of the ritual.At the end of the second quarter, implying the Summer Slostice, theprocessions of musicians and semi-nude virgins are resumed. Afterforming themselves into pictograms representing alphabetical andanimal fetishes, the virgins perform a most curious rite requiringfar more dexterity than the earlier phallic Maypole rituals fromwhich it seems to be derived. Each of the virgins carries a wandof shining metal which she spins on her fingertips, tosses playfullyinto the air, and with which she interweaves her body in mostintricate gyrations.The virgins perform another important function throughout the entireservice. This concerns the mystical rite of "conversion" followingsuccess of one of the young priests in carrying the Oval across thelast white line of Winter. As the moment of "conversion" approaches,the virgins kneel at the edge of the rectangle, bury their faces inthe earth, then raise their arms to heaven in supplication, prayingthat "the uprights will be split." "Conversion" is indeed adedicated ceremony. |
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| The Naming of Jesus |
The Naming of JesusA group of biblical scholars were involved in a heated discussion about how Jesus of Nazareth was named. How did he become known as the Messiah, or Christ. One of the scholars argued that the name was a Greek corruption of Aramaic, and purists and fundamentalists ought to use the name Joshua. Another argued that Joshua was Hebrew, not Aramaic, to which a third argued that Hebrew should be used because Jesus was said to be the King of the Jews. The debate went on and on and became more and more sophisticated and obtuse. Finally, an old man known for his wisdom intervened. He informed the group that he knew how Jesus was named. When Jesus was born, a star shown in the sky, and three wise men from the East travelled to Bethlehem. They had travelled for days, suffered great deprivation, and when they finally got to Bethlehem got lost trying to find the manger. Finally, after much ado, and in rather foul moods, they reached the manger and entered the stall. As one of them came through the door, he tripped on the door sill, and fell into the wall hitting his head. "Jesus Christ!" he screamed, andthat is how the baby was named. |
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| Love Jesus |
Love Jesus by Dennis DiPasquale The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed. I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love the lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, "GO JESUS CHRIST,GO!!!" Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. Several cars behind, a very nice black man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like, "Mother trucker," or "Mother's from there." Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must really love the lord. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign, as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks. |
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