| TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX |
10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again. 8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some. 6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are. 5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy. 4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door. 3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning. 2) Less guilt the morning after. 1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD! |
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| 10 Husbands, Still a Virgin? |
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband 2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband 3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband 4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband 5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband 6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband 7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband 8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!" |
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| Sex Education |
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane.He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"She turned, smiled, and said, "Business. The annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago."He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education!Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?""Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of thepopular myths about sexuality." "Really," he said. "What myths arethose?""Well," she explained. "One popularmyth is that African American menare the most well endowed, when infact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait." "Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent.We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."Suddenly, the woman became a littleuncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry", she said. "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name.""Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba." |
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| The Priest |
Q: Why did the Priest go to Walmart?A: He wanted to get boys pants "half" off! |
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| Don't ask any questions |
A guy worked in an adult book store. One afternoon his friend walked in. The guy said, "Dude,thank goodness you showed up!" "I'm starving, and I need you to watch the counter for me for a few minutes, while I run across the street to get some lunch."The friend looked around the store, then looked back at his friend oddly. The guy said, "Dude, don't ask any questions, just sell it to em." The friend said, "Ok". So the guy left.A customer came in, and went up to the counter. She said, "I want a vibrator. What do you have?" The friend said, "We got red ones, white ones, black ones, big ones, little ones and medium sized ones." The lady said, "I'll take a little red one to carry in my bag." He sold it to her. Another woman walked in. She approached the counter and said, "I would like a vibrator, what do you have?" The friend replied, "Red, black or white, large, medium or small. The woman asked, "Well, what about the red, white and black checkered one up there?" The friend said, "Well, I'll sell it to ya if you want," so she bought it. A few minutes later the guy came back from lunch and said, "Thanks Dude, you're a life saver. So did you sell anything?" The friend said, "Yeah, I sold a little red vibrator and a thermos." |
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| Getting Down Under |
An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback, and after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. "What happened?" she asks. "I've never been with a woman," he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!" |
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| Two Nuns |
There were two nuns...One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.SM: It's not working.SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.Then Sister Logical arrives.SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.SM: And?SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.SM: Oh, no! What happened then?SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys! |
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| It's Dark In Here |
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?""Yes it is," the man replies."You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks."No thanks," the man replies."I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues."OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he was in."Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies."TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats. "That's awful expensive", but because of the position he was in, agreed to the price.The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy."It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off."Yes it is," replies the man."Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks."OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his dis-advantage."Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch.""I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy."How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy."Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says."SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness,"the father explains as he hauls the child away.At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?""Don't you start that crap in here," the priest says. |
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| Marketing that Makes Sense |
Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes sense....You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition. |
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| Doggie Fashion |
It has been studied and determined that the most often usedSexual position for married couples is the doggie position.The husband sits up and begs...And the wife rolls over and plays dead. |
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