|| The middle aged secretary had never been married and had had enuff of work, as well as the single life. It was no secret that she was looking to get married. As she came back from her lunch hour with another bag from the drug store, a co-worker said, "In the past 3 weeks you've bought enough birth control pills to last a year, lots of vaginal foam, flavored douches, several diaphragms and Lord knows how many condoms. And you don't even have a boyfriend. Whom are you trying to seduce ?" She smiled slyly and replied, "The Druggist, silly."
| The newly divorced woman...
|| The newly divorced woman had never had to be the handyman around the house before, and quickly discovered she was lacking most of the proper tools to do the odd jobs needed. She made a trip to the local hardware store and quickly learned that it was truly a "man's world" there. Thinking that she might be taken advantage of if she let on that she was indeed a novice, she made a determined effort to look and sound as if she knew what she was doing. Completing her first group of purchases she took them to the clerk at the counter and looking behind him she discovered she hadn't bought any files. She pointed to one and said "May I have one of those ?" The clerk, unsure of what she was indicating said, "What... one of those bastards ?" Without a pause, she said, "Yeah ! And ya better give me a few of those Son-of-a-Bitches next to 'em too."
| 37 mating positions
|| What a rip-off. I went into our local bookstore and saw this huge display with a sign saying "Newly translated from the original French: 37 mating positions." Noticing that the books were already wrapped in plain brown paper, I just hadda buy one. Once safely at home I opened it, out of sight of my wife, and found that I had just purchased an expensive book about Chess.
| How many does it take?
|| Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous woman. Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her. He buys her a drink and then another and then another. After this and the accompanying small-talk, Joe asks her back to his place for a "good time.""Look," says the woman, "what do you think I am? I don't turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!""OK," replies Joe, "so how many does it take?"
| A man decided to have a face lift...
|| A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29". "I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47." Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was in line behind you at McDonalds."
| Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road...
|| Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the BigBad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little RedRiding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a treestump. "My what big ears you have, Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. Some distance further down thetrack Little Red Riding Hood again encounters the Big Bad Wolf, this timecrouched behind a road sign. "My what big teeth you have, Mr Wolf", taunts Little Red Riding Hood. With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams... "Will you fuck off,I'm trying to take a shit !"
| During WW II an American soldier...
|| During WW II an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europefor three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught asupply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught atrain to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not finda seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the trainlooking for any place to sit down.Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there wasroom for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking,older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her."Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked.The lady was insulted. "You bloody Americans are so rude", she said,"can't you see my dog is sitting there"?He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat.He found himself back at the same place."Lady I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to holdyour dog if I can sit down", he said.The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant".He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finallysaid,"Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months withnot a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold yourdog?"The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, youare also obnoxious."With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog,threw it out the window, and sat down.The lady was speechless.An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seatspoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit thelady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lotof things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold yourfork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch outof the window."
| A divorced woman had been on her own for several months...
|| A divorced woman had been on her own for several months and wasstarting to get extremely horny. She went to the grocery store and while there starting eyeing the bag boy. On the way out to the car she decided to make her move. Leaning over to the boy she whispered," You know, I've got and itchy pussy...." The boy replied, "Well you're gonna have to point it out, ma'am, all those Japanese cars look alike to me!"
| A yard sale
|| A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was. "This is a brothel" replied the madam."Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man."Oh, we're having a yard sale today."
| Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair...
|| Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there." That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to gointo the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look." The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her.Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine." Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."
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