A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Sometimes an incongruous detail is all you need for a great story. Like putting Madonna and Gary Neville in the same headline.

"Madonna's very rude...Gary Neville has equally dazzling stature but better manners", goes the Daily Mirror headline.

The story is badged "It's Official" suggesting there may be an element of tongue in cheek. As might the picture of Neville wearing an England tracksuit, captioned "Dazzler", on one side of the page with Madge in a Panama hat on the other.

The paper reports that the Malawian government made an "astonishing attack" on the US artiste after she visited her charity in the southern African country last week.

The reason for the spat remains vague. The paper reports that she was "left fuming after being snubbed by president Joyce Banda and having to queue with economy passengers at the airport as she flew out of the capital Lilongwe".

The government statement accuses her of wanting Malawi "to be for ever chained to the obligation of gratitude".

Other papers note though that the government diatribe follows the sacking of the president's sister as head of Raising Malawi, Madonna's charity there.

But the story's real joy is in the ill-assorted mix of celebs the government lists.

"It is worth making her aware that Malawi has hosted many international stars, including Chuck Norris, Bono, David James, Rio Ferdinand and Gary Neville who have never demanded state attention or decorum despite their equally dazzling stature."

Paper Monitor guesses that the Mirror subs had a little chat about which of the three footballers to pair with Madge in the headline.

Which would jar most incongruously next to the "Queen of Pop"? Somehow, ineffably, Gary Neville wins every time.

It's the Caption Competition.

Caption competition is now closed. Full rules can be seen here [PDF].

This week, a new look is unveiled.

6. trisarahtops:
Catwalk face-off

5. StoneyMast:
We come, with our new look, in peace. Take me to your leader

4. George Huber:
Mannequin Skywalker

3. abz:
Terracotta Armani

2. Fi:
After 35 years, someone finally designed a collection to cover Morph's modesty...

1. SkarloeyLine:
Eighth new social class discovered - the faceless minority

Mark (Wednesday's Letters) - Fee can get her octopodes after the opponent plays to,top,op,po, pod,od,de,ode,odes or es. I'll get my tiles.
Steve, Southampton

I was out by one! When, on Monday, I saw the published letter on octopodes which said, and I quote, "octopuses (octopi?)", my first thought was "Ooh! That person really needs to know the correct plural of octopus! Somebody well-informed on such important matters had better write in and tell them. I'll do it." But I was busy, so I didn't. Instead, I mulled the matter over and came to the conclusion that you, Magazine Monitor, deliberately published that letter knowing that it would be extremely provoking to many of your readers, and that you would get a mailbag stuffed to the electronic gills with letters giving the proper plural form of the word. I then guessed that you would publish four of them.
P.S. Duncan's was my favourite.
James, Stockport

Dutch horse or Malian camel?
Martin, Luxembourg

How sad the Dutch didn't take warning - one of the companies behind the current meat scandal is in the town of Oss.
Rahere, Smithfield

The new Galaxy Mega phone appears to be displaying a weather forecast of a sunny 25 degrees for London on Tuesday April 30th. That must be almost as optimistic as the idea of getting a 6.3inch phone in your trouser pocket.
Simon, Cambridge

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

If you're a woman, it may be worth reading the Times before getting dressed this morning.

The paper reports how Professor Jean-Denis Rouillon, an academic at the University Hospital of Besancon in eastern France, has broken the post-war consensus.

Bras may not be necessary for holding up breasts. Or "norks" as Carol Midgley calls them in her commentary.

The Frenchman tracked 320 women's breasts over 15 years. I'll bet he did, a wag might mutter.

"Our first results validate the hypothesis that the bra is a false need," the professor says, adopting a most unpage 3 lexicon.

"Medically, physiologically and anatomically, the breast derives no benefit from being deprived of gravity. If it is, the tissues that support it are going to decline and the breast will progressively suffer damage."

Prof Rouillon is not one to shirk the detail. He notes that after a year of not wearing a bra, the nipples of women aged between 18 and 35 rose by 7mm on average.

Older and underweight women might need a bra but for the young it could be damaging, he argues in a technocratic idiom that comes naturally to a Francophone scientist.

"If a woman puts on a bra when her breasts first appear, the suspensory apparatus does not work properly and tissues of the bra distend."

It's left to Midgely to shoot his theory down with some anecdotal evidence of a less professorial tone. "Going without them gives you backache, a dowager's hump and the impression that two labrador puppies are tussling under your jumper."

Paper Monitor, who cannot confirm or deny the presence of a bra about its person, is keeping an open mind until Monsieur Rouillon's full research is published.

Re: labrador puppies tussling under one's jumper. Running does, however, have a synchronising effect on those puppies. The scientific question then becomes a problem of clockwise or anti-clockwise motion.
Candace, New Jersey, US

"Jam firm given permission to spread"? So what else are you supposed to do with it? Fire it off your spoon like a trebuchet? Sheesh!
Fi, Gloucestershire, UK

I could point out that 50,000 tons of meat is equivalent to about two thirds of the London bus fleet but that doesn't help very much. 50,000 tons of meat is one dodgy quarter-pounder for every EU citizen.
David Richerby, Liverpool, UK

Great. As if we weren't already being forced to hear people chatting on their mobiles in public too much. Now we're going to have to put up with mega-phones.
Dave, Truro

There IS a God!
Angus Gafraidh, London UK

Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience

1. Tears do not fall in space.
More details (Daily Telegraph)

2. Employees who install new web browsers on their computers perform better on average than those who use the default pre-installed browser that came with their machine.
More details (The Economist)

3. Methane eating micro-organisms carry out a deep clean of the oceans after an oil spill.
More details

4. Scientists are conducting searches for signs of extraterrestrial engineering.
More details (New Scientist)

5. The most popular place to hide valuables is a sock drawer.
More details (Daily Telegraph)

6. Fractions of virtual currency Bitcoin are known as satoshis.
More details (The Economist)

7. People in China hold "fake funerals" for themselves, so they can "enjoy" the day.
More details (Metro)

8. Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak belonged to a group of hackers and hobbyists called the Homebrew Computer Club.
More details

9. Brains can be rendered transparent.
More details (Smithsonian Magazine)

10. Countries with the death penalty are now outnumbered by about five to one, by those who have abolished it.
More details (Guardian)

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

The electronic Daily Telegraph is now behind a paywall. Paper Monitor has effected an old-school breach of that wall - buying a copy of the actual paper.

It's almost like going undercover. Reading an actual paper edition of a newspaper.

Page two has the gratifying news that Carol Vorderman's nose is better. She fell down and broke it. She did not have a nose job. That was speculation.

Page six reveals that cheats in school games are copying footballers. For clarity, in Telegraphland a common equation is footballers=bad.

But you have to wait until page 11 for the really serious news.

"Here's to you, Mrs Robinson. Why more 40-somethings are dating younger men".

That's the headline. And there's a massive picture of Helen McCrory. Massive.

The anchor on the same page is Catherine Deneuve saying flat shoes are sexier than "twisted" and impossible high heels.

Further on there's a leader. It quotes the Song of Solomon.

Oh, to wear one's erudition so lightly.

Vodafone making bird-brained decisions like usual.
Chris Malton, Southampton, UK

Re this story: It calls to mind Mario Balotelli's reply when police questioned why he had £5,000 in cash on his person - "Because I am rich".
AD, London

Streetview, Pot, Kettle, Black.
Andrew, Malvern, UK

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

There's crime stories. And then there's quirky crime stories.

The Daily Telegraph headline gives you a clue that this is a nice, light story about how crime doesn't pay.

"Happiness is... a burglar wasting three days for pouch of tobacco."

The ne'er-do-well spent three nights chiselling away at the wall of Medway Motorcycles in Rochester to make a hole big enough to squeeze into. Finally he breached the 2ft-thick wall. The high performance bikes were to be his. And then he realised he'd forgotten about the alarm.

"One false move towards the bikes would have sent the alarm ringing," the paper reports. "So the thief crept up to the first floor instead, looking for items to steal."

In the end he left with just a packet of rolling tobacco worth £3.

"When I got here the next morning the place was in a right state but all I can see he has nicked is my Golden Virginia," the owner says.

The proprietor's surname is Eastwood. If only he'd caught the burglar in the act.

Imagine the scene, burglar holding the Golden Virginia, Eastwood - first name Jez but we'll gloss over that - reaching for his pretend, concealed .44 Magnum: "You've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?"

It took Paper Monitor a while to work out the happiness allusion of the headline.

A clue - it depends how many TV ads you remember from the 1980s that used Bach's Air on a G string to conjure up plumes of sensuous tobacco smoke. Answers to the usual place.

Considering what a superlative conductor of electricity gold is, I do believe that Datta Phuge has become the world's most expensive lightning rod.
roarshock, Oregon, USA

I just want to clear up any confusion regarding this story "Narrow Swindon alleyway painted with double yellow lines". This is an art installation and is a project on my media studies course. I'll get my paint brush.
Graham, Hayle, Cornwall

Andrew, Malvern, I knew I should have closed the curtains when the car drove past. Now everyone knows the colours of my kitchenware!
Darren, Birmingham

Re: tobacco memories. My grandfather regularly fielding calls at his corner grocery asking "Do you have Prince Albert in a can?"
Candace, New Jersey, US

Re: the story on Liberace. He was gay? Honestly? Well I would never have thought it. While the revelation floodgates have been opened - d'you have you any clues to the religious leanings of the Pope?
Ted Rodgers, Cheshire

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Hair we go again. Sorry, Paper Monitor couldn't resist.

Yes, it's another hair story, and yes, there's a picture of Jennifer Aniston.

This time, however, the Daily Mail reports that the Friends star has finally fallen out of favour. At least, her hairstyle has anyway.

It says a survey on the best onscreen hairstyles reveals her locks are no longer the most influential.

"Sorry, Jen... Anne's top of the crops," is its headline, revealing that Anne Hathaway's crowning glory has outshone the competition.

The elfin cut was first sported in the 2011 adaptation of David Nicholls's hit novel One Day. But it was her Oscar-winning turn in Les Miserables, as Fantine, which saw her cut it off for an extended period.

The actress was said to be "inconsolable" after the chop so it's quite a turnaround.

For those interested in which other celebrities made the cut, Miss Aniston's long curly style in Along Came Polly was in second place. And Audrey Hepburn's "up do" from 1963 film Charade in third.

This is our last entry on this page.

Just as Monitor Towers has moved, so the Monitor itself is relocating to a new home, with a fresh format.

Visit our new page to keep up with Paper Monitor, Caption Competition, your letters and some other things too.

This version of the Monitor will no longer be updated, but it will remain here for posterity.

You might like to follow the Magazine on Facebook and Twitter to keep up to date with offerings from the Monitor.

Boston dominated for most of four quarters but Indiana briefly took the lead in the final minutes behind Victor Oladipo and inspired defensive play.

Despite a rough outing Tuesday night, Brad Stevens and Celtics believe the future is bright for the pride of New Albany.

Romeo Langford reflects on a tough outing Tuesday night and what it was like playing in Indiana again.

According to the news release, the NBA will use this hiatus to determine next steps for moving forward in regard to the coronavirus pandemic.

Dallas Mavericks owner and IU alum is taken aback to learn the NBA is stopping play in the wake of a player's coronavirus test

Here's what the Big Ten, NCAA and NBA are doing for fans who bought tickets to upcoming games they now cannot attend.

NBA commissioner Adam Silver said the league would be on hiatus at least 30 days and it's possible the league will not play again this season

Sabonis has two dance videos out, one in Pacers gear, the other shirtless.

Donnie Strack, now in the Thunder front office, checked out Utah's Rudy Gobert on the night of the league's first COVID-19-related cancellation.

Michael Jordan returned from retirement on March 19, 1995, against the Indiana Pacers at Market Square Arena

Indiana Pacers staff had one day to prepare for what suddenly became the world's biggest sporting event

The Pacers final game before the NBA went on hiatus was vs. the Celtics, whose player Marcus Smart has tested positive for the coronavirus

An insurance payment due to Victor Oladipo's injury gives Pacers lowest payroll in NBA

"When we do start back, everybody will be off the same amount of time," McMillan says.

Friday, the Dunking Dutchman took over the Indiana Pacers' Twitter to do a question and answer session with Pacer fans.

This isn't normal, the way we love Larry Bird all these years later, not even for someone as special at sports as Larry Legend.

Joe Young has been playing in China since his time with the Indiana Pacers ended. He is a Houston native

Domantas Sabonis is a long shot in the NBA's video game tournament; he was a long shot before making the All-Star skills competition final, too

Donnie Walsh has been plopped in the middle of America's most famous infectious disease doctor's basketball claim to fame.

If $200,000 is raised by Thursday, Herb Simon and Jim Irsay will boost the pot that goes to neighborhood centers linked to United Way

Mike Conley is Tamika Catchings' first-round opponent in the NBA's HORSE event on ESPN; competitors will remain separated

Three boys grew up knowing someone named Roger Brown was their grandfather. Then, one day, they began to understand the legacy of the Pacers legend.

Malcolm Brogdon is healing and more minutes for JaKarr Sampson could get the Pacers out of the first round of the playoffs

Myles Turner of the Indiana Pacers discusses coronavirus and how his performance changed after the All-Star break

Victor Oladipo was rocking and the Pacers were rolling before NBA shutdown, leaving President Kevin Pritchard, team hopeful about possible resumption.

Pacers President Kevin Pritchard discusses the health of his team and how they're staying prepared for the season to resume.

Oladipo: 'I can look at it like I was just getting my rhythm back or as an opportunity to rest and ... continue building strength in my tendon.'

The Indiana Pacers would have started the 2020 NBA playoffs this weekend, but these memories will have to do for now.

Justin (the oldest) and Aaron (the youngest) Holiday play for the Indiana Pacers; Jrue Holiday is the best-known of the brothers in the NBA.

The Pacers dealt the No. 2 pick in the 1984 draft for one season of Tom Owens

Indiana Pacers legend always strived to be on Michael Jordan's level; not quite getting there still eats at Reggie Miller

Michael Jordan after his first title on 'The Last Dance': 'At last I fit somewhere in the category of Larry Bird and Magic Johnson'

Source: The Pacers will listen to the government and follow its lead before bringing players back

The punching bag in The Last Dance documentary about the final season of the champion Bulls is GM Jerry Krause, who got his start from Slick Leonard.

The Pacers didn't have their starting point guard for the last three games before the NBA went on hiatus, but he's able to play if/when it restarts.

The Adidas move was expected; each side alleges the other is at fault

After two quick 3-pointers, "I get the rebound, get fouled and that's where the last two points come for the 8 points in 9 seconds," says Miller.