At Gamicon , I was introduced to Sentient, from Renegade Game Studios. My friend Katie was manning the session and teaching interested attendees how to play, so with her encouragement, my husband Chris and I sat down and gave it a try.

It was love at first play for me. That probably sounds a bit odd to those who know the game and who know me well because I often emphasize that theming is really important for me and Sentient’s theme is wholly unremarkable. Something about acquiring and programming bots …blah blah blah… but the theme quickly fades from memory as I begin to play and am pulled into the logic puzzle that is at the core of the game. Do you remember those logic puzzles wherein a group of friends go to a movie and a few facts are laid out about each person and where they sat and you have to figure out the precise order of their seating across the row of seats in the theatre? Sentient  feels a lot like that, but with beautiful pastel colors and striking custom dice and it taught me that I’m not as wedded to theme as I thought. If a designer presents a compelling enough game, I’m willing to let a poor theme slide.

Sentient  is played over three rounds, which flow pretty quickly for all but the most deliberating players. I frequently suffer from analysis paralysis and didn’t find myself getting too hung up on decision making. In each round, players must select bots (cards) from an available pool of 4 to add to their network (individual player boards). Players take turns selecting their bots, as dictated by turn order, and prior to selecting bots, all players roll their custom dice and add the dice to their network (each die is placed into the network on top of the square the matches the color of the rolled die).

Each bot provides a condition for network placement, that if met, scores victory points at the end of the round. These conditions are mathematical and relate to the numbers on the dice on either side of the bot position in the network. Once the network is evaluated at the end of a round and points are scored, the bots in a player’s network are taken out of the network and placed into a pile on the side of their network; they will come into play for end game scoring. For example, one bot specifies this condition,  <—EVEN ODD—> ,  which means that when the network is evaluated, the die to the left of the bot in the network must be an even number and the die to the right of the bot in the network must be odd.

Here’s where the game gets tricky – bots cause an immediate effect on the network when placed; they can force an adjustment of the dice to the left and right of the bot’s placement. Adjustment possibilities are +1, –1, or no change. This means that even if you have some of your bots already perfectly placed in your network, ensuring that they meet the conditions specified, the dice they are evaluated against could change in value as the round progresses, upsetting your glorious plans for victory. There is an option to block one or both of the adjustment effects of a bot when placed using assistant tokens distributed at the beginning of the game, but doing so greatly handicaps your ability to score crucial victory points through the investor multiplier mechanism (IMM) at the end of the game. What is the IMM? Well, Sentient  implements an area control game that is conducted simultaneously in conjunction with bot placement. When a bot is selected from the market, the selecting player places one of their 4 agent tokens plus as many of their assistant tokens as they choose above the market space where the bot was taken from.

In this way, the player is competing to dominate the play areas above the market board with their influence (each agent and assistant token provides one influence). At the end of the round, the player with the most influence surrounding each investor token above the marketplace gains that investor token. These tokens are then used as victory point multipliers at the end of the game – each investor token provides 1 victory point for each bot of matching type (color) that the owning player has in their collection at the end of the game. 

I love puzzling out which of the 4 bots I should select on my turn. I evaluate each bot carefully, noting its type (color) and whether that could be useful to me based on the investor tokens I already have.

I also have to consider the point values each bot could bring – my favorite are the bots that specify a die value and offer 7 points if BOTH the die to the left and right of the bot in your network have that value. Finally, I need to survey the investor tokens up for grabs above the marketplace to decide if there are any I must prioritize, either because they help me or because they would help my opponent too much if I don‘t grab them first. If there are, I might need to take a bot I like a little less and figure out how to successfully plug it into my network in order to place influence next to the investor token I want. Note that there’s also an option to select none of the bots and send them all to the discard pile; each player must choose this option at least once during each round. If you’re not happy with any of your choices, it’s a good time to use that option.

Another thing I enjoy about Sentient  is that it doesn’t have a lot of player interaction. I am competing against my opponents to build the best network, but other than swiping a bot or investor token they might want, there isn’t any take-that element to the game. I like take-that games as long as they are light strategy and high luck, but it really stinks in a heavy strategy game to have someone screw you over and render impossible your well planned optimal path to victory. I much prefer the “I do my thing over here and you do your thing over there and we see who did a better thing in the end” style of strategy games.

Sentient  is designed by J. Alex Kevern, with artwork by Anita Osburn, Chris Ostrowski, and Gordon Tucker. As I alluded to previously, the artwork is lovely, with a futuristic vibe and soft color palette. I’ve got at least one other game in my collection designed by Kevern – ArtSee - and I really like it as well, so I’m going to make some time upcoming to check out his other games (he has 9 games released according to BoardGameGeek.com). I’m trying to get better at paying attention to the designers behind the games. I am realizing that game designers, just like great film directors, establish a pattern of style and technical mechanisms in their work,  and so if I really enjoy a game by a designer, it’s likely I will like their other games as well.

The components for Sentient  seem to be well made and I adore the custom dice. There are wooden and cardboard tokens as well as 60 large cards used in play.

The cards are probably the weak point in overall component quality; ours are starting to bend and wear quite a bit. I’d suggest sleeving them for regular use, using standard Tarot card sized sleeves. The rulebook is very easy to follow, grammatically correct, and laid out well.

I haven’t played Sentient  yet with our kids (10 year old boys and a 14 year old daughter), but it feels like it would be a good fit for them as well.  The guidelines on the box list ages 12 and up but I think 10 and up is a better guideline. It’s a solid family game, that plays in less than hour, without any objectionable content. And of course, the bonus is that it helps youngsters improve their logical thinking skills. 

 Strategy Tip: If playing against just 1 other player, it’s ok to pick out a few of the bots it would be nice to have and mentally work out optimum placement in your network of those bots to ensure the dice values are adjusted, if necessary, to score points for all the bots. If all goes well, and your opponent doesn’t select the bots you want most, you can stick to your original plan or select the new bot your opponent reveals at the end of their turn. This strategy does not work nearly as well in a 3 or 4 player game, as by the time your turn comes around again it is likely any bots you had your eye on will be gone. In games with more than 2 players, you need to be much more flexible in what bots you put into your network and perhaps focus more on the area control aspect of the game. 

-------------------------------------------------
Publisher: Renegade Game Studios
Players: 2-4
Actual Playing Time (vs the guideline on the box): About 40 minutes per game
Game type: dice rolling, set collection, card drafting, area control, math
Rating:

Jenni’s rating scale:
OUI: I would play this game again; this game is ok. I probably would not buy this game myself but I would play it with those who own it and if someone gave it to me I would keep it.
OUI OUI: I would play this game again; this game is good. I would buy this game.
OUI OUI OUI: I LOVE THIS GAME. I MUST HAVE THIS GAME.
NON: I would not play this game again. I would return this game or give it away if it was given to me.

Thank you all for your patience! I've had a lot of computer problems over the past two weeks and lost what I had been working on for page 26 of Chapter 2… But don't worry, very much like Narsil of King Elendil, IT HAS BEEN REMADE! My apologies for the delay! I really appreciate the continued love and support. And yes, I have a new hard drive now.

Also, the long awaited second Starfighter T-Shirt IS NOW AVAILABLE! This shirt had previously only been available at MoCCA and Yaoi-con, but now it's ready for purchase on the shop! This is actually the first t-shirt I designed, so I am quite fond of it!

Along with the new shirts, we've gotten in another shipment of the original Black Starfighter T-Shirt as well.

Thank you all so much! Enjoy! -HamletMachine

*STARFIGHTER: ECLIPSE IS NOW LIVE*

You can play it right away at datenighto.com ;) -Hamlet

Podle odhadu Evropské komise se česká ekonomika letos propadne o rekordní 6,2 procenta. To je více než za finanční krize v roce 2009. Se špatnými výsledky počítá odhad, který Brusel zveřejnil ve středu. Oproti evropskému průměru bude dopad koronaviru na HDP v Česku menší.

Kvůli epidemii koronaviru se vláda na čas vzdá EET, projektu, který vnímá jako klíčový pro snížení daňových úniků. Sněmovna kývla na odklad celé EET do konce letošního roku. Potvrdit to ještě musí Senát. Neprošly návrhy opozice odložit EET ještě déle, když přitom Pirát Mikuláš Ferjenčík navrhoval odklad až do stých narozenin premiéra Andreje Babiše v roce 2054.

Počátkem března přebíral Oliver Dlouhý, zakladatel vyhledávače a distributora letenek Kiwi.com, cenu pro českého podnikatele roku. Dnes má firma minimální tržby a vyhlíží obnovení leteckého provozu. Ve videorozhovoru pro iDNES.cz byl však Oliver Dlouhý optimistický.

Dopravní podniky i soukromí dopravci obnovují běžné jízdní řády. Přestože stále hromadnou dopravu využívá zlomek lidí než před zahájením karanténních opaření, poklesy o 80 nebo 90 procent proti běžnému stavu už jsou minulostí.

U dvou zaměstnanců mladoboleslavské automobilky Škoda Auto byla zjištěna nákaza covid-19. Podle zjištění Práva to však nebude mít vliv na nedávno obnovený provoz závodu.

Méně stolů a větší rozestupy. Jihomoravské restaurace v pondělí otevřou své zahrádky. Musí dodržet přísná opatření proti šíření koronaviru, přesto nemají alternativu pro špatné počasí.

Procesem takzvaného vzorkování začne od pondělí znovu výroba v karlovarské sklárně Moser. Mistři sklářského oboru po přestávce vynucené koronavirovou pandemií začnou připravovat kolekce na druhou polovinu letoška a na rok 2021. Skláře čekají přísné hygienické podmínky, výroba bude najíždět postupně.

Maloobchodnímu řetězci Albert se v koronavirové krizi dařilo. Prodeje mu v některých dnech vzrostly až na trojnásobek a těžil hlavně z prvotních panických nákupů některých Čechů. Měl však i vysoké náklady. Firma teď navíc plánuje i spuštění e-shopu. Podle jejího šéfa však Češi v budoucnu budou více vyhledávat výhodné ceny.

Hospody a restaurace Češi prostřednictvím projektu Zachraň hospodu podpořili deseti miliony korun. Poukazy do více než 1 500 podniků si od začátku dubna, kdy byl projekt spuštěn, koupilo přes devět tisíc lidí. Stravovací zařízení budou moci od pondělí obsluhovat hosty na zahrádkách, iniciativa se tím však nezastaví.

Americké trhy rostou rapidním tempem. A to i přes to, že ekonomiky po celém světě drtí koronavirus. Jejich dubnový růst je nejvyšší za desítky let – naposledy tak rychle za měsíc vyrostly v roce 1987. Nahoru akciové indexy ženou nejen vládní intervence a úspory, ale i investoři samotní.

Koronavirová pandemie srazila návštěvnost v turistických destinacích po celém světě na minima. Po rozvolnění pravidel by se však cestovatelé měli do rekreačních oblastí vrátit. Jde o to, zdali a jak se podaří letní dovolenou u moře i v Alpách zachránit.

     It looks as though my first 3 mile cycle came back with negative results!!  Picture this: 


     I'm deep in concentration, the sweat dripping from my brow; the race is on.  I don't know if I'll finish, thoughts are pouring over me like warm syrup, I'm near the home stretch : King Edward and Queen Elizabeth Riveres are being held captive while the fate of their English lands are in turmoil and being held captive by the evil Lord Warwick!
      All of a sudden, the concentration of my exercise, as opposed to the concentration on King Edward and his "golden body" stop. My foot slips off the pedal and all of Phillipa Gregory's glorious characters go tumbling down the cycle along with the rest of my Kindle. 
     I finish off my 3 mile cycle near tears! What will become of King Edward and his lands? Will Queen Elizabeth be able to survive after the loss of her mother? Will Henry Tudor (yes the cute Henry Tudor that is the star of the hit SHOW time series, The Tudors) obtain the crown (even though if you have read any of Phillipa Gregory's novels, or seen the movie The Other Boleyn Girl you know the answer to that question)?
    Lukily, I get to find out more on Tuesday when Amazon.Com sends me another kindle to replace the one that, malfunctioned. Hey, she asked me if I dropped it, not if it fell...
     On to exerceise news!  Currently weighing in at 245 LBS.  Thats 2 LBS less that I did when I started the blog, lord knows weight flucuation sucks.  I plan to never be 250 + again.  Hello world, don't hate me because I'm beautiful!!!!
    I'll be blogging my exercise routine for the next 8 months later on today. I welcome all comments!!

  

 My kindle has arrived BRAND NEW!!! My old one was sent away... to the depths of despair, and I am pleasantly disappointed in the ending of my book.  I'm sitting here ready for the football game to start and I can smell the pizza my husband thought would be a "great idea" to make.  I haven't had the time to exercise in almost a week. Although my eating is still on key, I feel bloated... fatter if possible.  I've done the math, and in order for me to swim the five miles I plan on in October, I have to do the following ASAP.

Mondays - Swim minimum 80 laps
Tuesdays - Strength training , Swim 80 laps
Wednesdays - OFF
Thursdays - Strength training, swim 80 laps
Fridays - Swim 80 laps
Saturdays - OFF
Sundays - Strength training, swim 80 laps

WOE IS ME! In order for my school schedule to not co-inside with my work-out schedule I will have to plan in advance.  I am currently taking 4 classes this semester, all of which are history classes.  That can only mean one thing:  mass amounts of reading and papers at the same....time.....

Advancement toward my goal at this point in time is vital, I must use my young age to my advantage and endure no social life as well as sleep... who needs either anyways?

Crap.... haha...... keep me strong friends... I'm going to need it, as well as my gym membership I so am looking forward to getting by the end of this month.  I miss swimming.

xoxo

Revision #1

Dear Query Shark,

Seventh grader Scott Winters doesn't know he has superpowers, but it sure would explain a few things. Like why there's a strange girl following him around, handing him blank business cards and picking fights with his bullies. Or why some telekinetic villain suddenly wants him dead

The villain attacks Scott at the school dance. He throws tables and speakers while shouting about how Scott ruined his life. Scott has trouble refuting this claim, because he has no idea who the man is. Fortunately, Scott's new stalker, Rachel Hunter, is secretly a junior superhero working for the FBI. She and her handlers force the villain to flee.

Now safe but thoroughly confused, Scott falls face-first into the hidden world of superpowers. He soon discovers his own powers: Immunity to other superpowers and the ability to suppress them temporarily through physical contact. Scott is ecstatic at the prospect of becoming a superhero, but trying to touch a man who can throw furniture at you from fifty yards away is as dangerous as it sounds. The FBI tell Scott to stay back and let the real heroes work. Scott begrudgingly complies, until one of those real heroes tries to kill him.


With Rachel's help, Scott manages to suppress his attacker's super strength. This somehow causes sudden amnesia. The assailant has no idea where she is or why she attacked Scott. The FBI soon discovers that the telekinetic man was also an unwitting pawn. The real villain is still out there, possessing people like a ghost. Only Scott's unique suppression ability can free the victims. So when the villain's next vessel is none other than Rachel, Scott knows its his turn to be the hero. All he has to do is save the girl... assuming she doesn't kill him first.


How to Save the Girl is the 69,000-word account of Scott's first summer as a superhero. Written by a physicist whose only superpowers are math-related, the work carries a comedic, kid-in-way-over-his-head tone inspired by the early Percy Jackson novels and Stuart Gibbs' Spy School series. [The work also features a schizophrenic deuteragonist with her own character arc.]


Thank you for your consideration, 
 If I acquired middle grade fiction, I'd read this.

----------------------------------------------------------
Initial query
Question: The query focuses largely on an act 1 subplot involving the MC's female best friend and ignores the main romance interest, whose plot doesn't rev up until late in act 2 (not good for a query). My one page synopsis (not included) is the exact opposite. It ignores the best friend entirely so it can focus on the main romance interest, whose plot structure largely parallels the main plot with the villains. I know you might not be able to answer without the synopsis, but will agents have a problem with this? I'm afraid it will feel too disconnected or misleading.


Dear Query Shark:

Seventh grader Scott Winters doesn't know he has super powers. He just knows he has problems. A bear in his school, a classmate with amnesia, a random rat infestation. Crazy things tend to happen around Scott, and he always gets the blame. So when seven of his classmates mysteriously fall into a lion habitat, Scott knows he's in trouble again. What he doesn't know is that someone just tried to kill him.


This lead paragraph is 72 words, or about 25% of your query. The ONLY information you need here is the first and last sentence.

The paragraph is well-written, and it's pretty funny, BUT it makes me think the book is about Scott getting his friends out of trouble. You don't want me to think the book is one thing when it's really something else.

So revising:

Seventh grader Scott Winters doesn't know he has super powers. He just knows he has problems. A bear in his school, a classmate with amnesia, a random rat infestation. Crazy things tend to happen around Scott, and he always gets the blame. So when seven of his classmates mysteriously fall into a lion habitat, Scott knows he's in trouble again. What he doesn't does know is that someone just tried to kill him.


Meanwhile, Scott's best friend is also in danger. Schvärtzmurgel Hoffman is three parts tomboy, two parts snark. Just don't try using her first name — she'll punch you. Schizophrenia and a terrible fashion sense earn her plenty of ridicule at school, but Hoffman's real trouble lies at home. Scott finds her with a black eye the next day. Her mother's hitting her again.

Wait. Schizophrenia? Where did that come from? And equating a debilitating mental illness with terrible fashion sense is both tone deaf and weird.

In addition, this paragraph does not relate in any way to the first paragraph. You left me wondering who's trying to kill Scott in paragraph one. Paragraph two should be something about that, not this odd curveball.


Scott already tried contacting the authorities about Hoffman's situation, but they don't believe him. Somehow Hoffman's mother always convinces the other adults that nothing's wrong. Scott settles for inviting Hoffman over as often as possible, but even this plan is jeopardized when another attempt is made on Scott's life. This time the villain reveals himself — a tall man with telekinetic abilities.

Ok so now we have the villain. You'll have to cut out all the stuff about Miss Hoffman (notice you've told us what NOT to call her, but not what her preferred name is) cause it doesn't relate AT ALL to what you've said is the main plot: someone trying to kill Scott.


Running for their lives, Scott and Hoffman are thrust into the hidden world of superpowers. Scott soon discovers his own unique power, immunity to other superpowers and the ability to suppress them temporarily. He also meets three empowered FBI agents. They take Scott and Hoffman into protective custody, which shines a spotlight on Hoffman's home life.


At this point I'm too confused to read on. What is "the hidden world of superpowers?" Where did the FBI come from? 

Scott doesn't have high hopes, but the superpowered branch of the FBI is better equipped than the local authorities. They identify Hoffman's mom as a psychic, able to manipulate the thoughts of others. It's such a dangerous power that the FBI asks Scott for help. His ability to suppress superpowers is ideal for shutting down psychics, but the telekinetic man is still at large. Scott now faces a difficult choice. Keep hiding for his own safety, or risk another attack to protect his friend.

If Hoffman's mom is a key part of the plot, you can still leave out all the abuse stuff in your query. A query needs to be sleek, not stuffed.


Written by a physicist who picked up creative writing as a way to stay sane in graduate school, HOW TO SAVE THE GIRL is a fast-paced tale full of quirky characters and superheroic hijinks. The work is 68,500 words, with a narrative style inspired by the Percy Jackson novels and Stuart Gibbs' "Spy School" series. While there is scattered humor throughout, the story does not make light of child abuse.

Doesn't make light of child abuse? Why on earth would I even think you'd do that? Don't defend yourself against accusations that haven't been made.

I don't care why you want to be a writer.

I hope there is more than scattered humor cause this is a middle grade book about superpowers. Funny is the ONLY way its going to work.

Right now this query is over stuffed. Focus on the MAIN plot.

I'm totally put off by the idea there's a romance in a middle grade novel but that's probably cause I'm thinking of romance novels. Middle grade novels are read by 4th-6th graders. I'm absolutely sure that a strong romantic element is out of place here. Boys and girls being friends is about the max on this kind of thing.


That the plot doesn't rev up until "late in Act 2" is a HUGE problem, in that when I request a full manuscript, the plot better be revved up and running by the end of Act 1 and preferably a lot sooner.

If not, I stop reading.

Middle grade readers aren't going to sit around and wait for the good stuff either.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

To answer your question: a query that doesn't match the synopsis IS confusing. The fact that they don't means you have a problem WITH THE BOOK. 

This means, before you revise the query, make sure the plot of your book is front and center in the very first pages.  

Then revise your query.

I also suspect you would benefit from reading more middle grade books. Your librarian can help you with that. She's superpowered that way.

Revision #1

This really is a book without a main character. You said that can't be done, so I guess that means I did the impossible. I do not know how to say that politely. I literally counted words and mapped out the appearance of each of the eight points of view so that none of them had significantly more length or prominence than the others. I had placed a subtitle on the work because the title, by itself sounded like a science fiction novel. But it can be removed. When I wrote "sans editing" I was thinking of a professional editor (I am done with the work) and did not realize how it would be taken by a literary agent.

Because of the unique construction of the book I have decided to try and focus on the plot, which is the main character. I also kept paragraphs shorter and tried to tone down the academic weasel words which is a hold over from my career as an associate professor.

Dear Query Shark:

I am seeking representation for a completed crime novel titled Master of all the Stars.

This novel is unusual because it ignores the standard format for a crime novel. There is no all-knowing but tragically flawed detective solving impossible crimes. Nor is there not a world-beating villain out to conquer the universe. There isn’t even a main character in the standard sense. The plot, itself is the main character. The plot is driven forward by eight, diverse, carefully balanced, rotating points-of-view that are presented in discrete sections within each chapter. It is the cumulative effect of each point-of-view not an individual character that drives the plot and entertains the reader.


In and of itself, this is not a deal breaker. I'm always looking for things that are new and different. Even though this isn't the standard opening to a query, I'd keep reading.
The main plot is very simple. It is the struggle to control the 200 million Swiss franc fortune, worldwide real estate holdings, and money laundering operation of the Church of True Astrology after the death of its founder.

And here is where you shoot yourself in the foot. No matter what, you have to make your book sound enticing. This paragraph makes it sound boring.

Consider this change up: After the death of the founder of the Church of True Astrology there is a struggle to control the real estate, the money, and most critical the money laundering operation.

This main plot is divided into two primary subplots.

The first subplot involves a group of criminals who outwit the police, cooperate with, bribe, double cross, and murder each other as they attempt to gain control of the Church which they have been clandestinely using as a money laundering vehicle.

I'm hard pressed to think how you could make a band of ruffians bent on murder, revenge, extortion and general skullduggery of the greenback kind sound more bland.

The second subplot revolves around the actual believers in True Astrology attempting to locate a set of lost prophecies that will confirm the church's theology and rescue it from the first group.
 
Now you're doubling down with  a coven of astrologer prophecy hunters, armed no doubt with crystal balls, tarot cards, and bullwhips pursuing the crooks around the world, and they too sound like a major yawn

Beyond the two main subplots, each of the characters who contribute one of the eight points-of-view is developed, and each has their own subplot arch. Some of these are sympathetic, others are genuinely evil.

I'm all for genuine evil, but again, this isn't specific enough to be interesting.

A great deal of world-building and went into this book. An entire religion had to be created including scriptures, theology, and history. It required custom-designed star charts, astrological tables, and communal prayers. The book is also set in three locations, Hong Kong, Zurich, and Guam which must be described to readers.

I honestly have a hard time comparing this work to other crime novels, and I have literally read dozens of them. There may be other works that have used this approach, but I have not seen them. It is clearly a crime novel but told in an unconventional way, using a seldom seen format. What I do know is the combination of multiple, rapidly changing points-of-view, richly built world and exotic locations (all are places I have lived) combine to create a unique, sophisticated, gripping, plot-driven novel.

And here is where I say no thanks if I'm reading this query.

You've read dozens of crime novels?
Honestly, that's fewer than you should be reading every year if you plan to be part of this category.
You should have read HUNDREDS of crime novels, starting with the classics.

And given what you're writing, you shouldn't limit yourself to crime. You should be reading James Clavell, Aurthur Hailey, James Michener. They wrote great epic novels with vast lists of characters.

But more than that, you don't need any of this in a query.

You need to entice me to read the pages you've included.

That's all.

And I would have, if you'd made it sound interesting.

You can break every rule of querying IF you do it with style and flair, on purpose, and you entice me to read pages.

Instead, you made your work sound bland.


I have included the sample pages your agency ask for.
Thank you for your time

Revise. Give your characters some panache on the page.
Give your plot some zest.

-->
Initial query

Greetings (Agent’s name)

When someone uses Greetings as the salutation, it always reminds me of the now cliche "Greetings, earthlings. Take me to your leader." Or worse, a letter from my draft board letting me know Uncle Sam has need of my services.

 I'm not sure why you don't want to use Dear; it's standard business form. Hello works too.

This sounds nit-picky. It IS nitpicky, but you want to set the right tone at the start; Greetings doesn't do that.


Title: Subtitle is a mystery/thriller novel that appears to correspond to the types of manuscript you prefer to represent.

No. Never ever put this in a query. Either tell me what SPECIFIC book your book is like, or leave it out. This is so general as to be meaningless.

Also, novels generally don't have subtitles.

And you don't need novel to modify mystery/thriller. Those are, by default, novels.

Again, I can hear you saying "don't be so damn nit picky" but if you've got excess words here, you're going to have them in your novel. Your query tells me what kind of writer you are, in addition to telling me what your book is about.

This is the kind of writing that leads to "french fried potatoes" instead of just french fries, or better yet, fries; and, "she looked down at her toes". Generally one is not looking UP at one's toes. If you are, then you'd include it. If you're just toe-gazing, you don't need down. Your reader will fill in the expected words.



The main plot of the book revolves around the struggle by several groups and individuals for control of the theology and especially the vast fortune of an astrology cult which has become a money laundering vehicle for powerful criminal cartels and organized crime.


Again,  is so general it's meaningless. Start with something interesting. Like what happens to one of the main characters that is important.


As in works by Russian authors such as Tolstoy this book has an ensemble protagonist. Which is to say there is no single main character. Instead, the plot is moved forward by several individuals or groups who, in some cases are not even aware of each other. The most important members of the ensemble are Izaak Houser a professional conman and the cult’s Head Astrologer. Sophia Chin-Robinson, an alcoholic housewife and cult member who lives on Guam. Xi, Shinwai a 93-year-old Hong Kong real estate tycoon who is also the cult’s wealthiest convert. Zack Xi, Shinwai’s sociopathic illegitimate son who is the CEO of one of his father’s subsidiaries which is used in the money laundering operation. Jacque Eider, the ethically challenged managing director of Zurich International Banc-Corp. Wilson Chau, a venal and corrupt law enforcement officer in Hong Kong. Gerald Morris a bitter, amoral, ex-mob lawyer. Thomas Saint-John, the leader of an Interpol team based in Geneva who is investigating money laundering and William Ngan an ICAC officer (The Hong Kong equivalent of the FBI) who is investigating what appears to be an unrelated crime. I believe this makes for a convoluted but ultimately engrossing storyline.



Never ever describe your novel as convoluted. It means difficult to follow. This is not what you want me thinking NOW. Complex, layered, multi-faceted, sure. Convoluted ...no.

There are 198 words in that paragraph and it doesn't tell me anything about the story.

You've got textbook character soup.

Here are the characters you mention by name:

(1) Izaak Houser a professional conman and the cult’s Head Astrologer

(2) Sophia Chin-Robinson, an alcoholic housewife and cult member who lives on Guam.

(3) Xi, Shinwai a 93-year-old Hong Kong real estate tycoon who is also the cult’s wealthiest convert

(4)Zack Xi, Shinwai’s sociopathic illegitimate son who is the CEO of one of his father’s subsidiaries which is used in the money laundering operation

(5) Jacque Eider, the ethically challenged managing director of Zurich International Banc-Corp

(6) Wilson Chau, a venal and corrupt law enforcement officer in Hong Kong.

(7) Thomas Saint-John, the leader of an Interpol team based in Geneva who is investigating money laundering

(8)William Ngan an ICAC officer (The Hong Kong equivalent of the FBI) who is investigating what appears to be an unrelated crime


Eight people.And not a one of them sounds interesting because you haven't given us a reason to care about any of them. We care about people when we see what choices they face.


I'd stop reading here if this was an incoming query.

I can get past all the format screwups and weird salutations, but at this point, you haven't done the one thing your query MUST DO: entice me to read more.

The manuscript is completed sans some editing. It is actually a prequel to another work which is also completed in what I plan as a series.

If I hadn't stopped reading when served character soup in the preceding paragraph, I'd stop here. Never query a novel that isn't ready to go on the day you send your query. Some of us surprise y'all by asking for things within minutes of receiving the query.

And just so you know, that last 10% of the editing? It takes forever if you do it right.


I hope that the work reminds my readers of books by authors such as Nury Vittachi because I am dealing not just with the crimes but with the subtle ways that people from different cultures and generations misunderstand each other. I also hope that readers of an author like Kurt Vonnegut would appreciate this book because it portrays imperfect people thrown into an absurd world and coping with the sometimes random consequence of both good and bad life choices. Lastly, I believe that readers who enjoy works by authors like Dan Brown would possibly enjoy my novel as it deals with alternative religious ideas particularly what most astrologers would consider a heterodox system.


Kurt Vonnegut and Dan Brown both huh?
Kurt Vonnegut writes literary work, Dan Brown doesn't even come close. When you select books to compare yours too, you need to be aware of style and tone, not just subject matter. 

I like the first sentence of this paragraph a lot. I think really terrific novels come from cultural and generational misunderstanding. Done well, this kind of novel can pack a very subtle but very powerful wallop.

The problem here is that you're telling me, not showing me. And you're telling me too much. I have no idea of the story here.  Even Tolstoy's ensemble casts novels had something that unified them.

War and Peace has 580 characters (no, I didn't count, I looked it up on Wikipedia) but it can be described without identifying more than a few:

The story moves from family life to the headquarters of Napoleon, from the court of Alexander I of Russia to the battlefields of Austerlitz and Borodino. Tolstoy's original idea for the novel was to investigate the causes of the Decembrist revolt, to which it refers only in the last chapters, from which can be deduced that Andrei Bolkonsky's son will become one of the Decembrists. The novel explores Tolstoy's theory of history, and in particular the insignificance of individuals such as Napoleon and Alexander.

I underlined insignificance here because if this arrived in a query, that would be the word that would catch my attention. Normally we think of Napolean and the Czars as significant. Here's a book that challenges that. I'm in!  (and that's exactly what you want a query to do)

This is an unusual mystery of just over 80,000 words. It is set primarily in the cities of Hong Kong and Zurich as well as on the island of Guam.

Well, I don't see anything unusual here about the story at all because there is no story.


Thank you for your time. I truly appreciate your diligence in reading this query and reviewing the sample chapters that I have submitted.

I know you're trying to be polite here but it comes off as smarmy. You don't have to thank the meter reader for looking at the gas meter. Reading and evaluating queries is my job.

You can reach me via my author email:

Leave this out. If you're querying by email, I have your email address already. If you want to include it, put it under your name


I look forward to your response.
You probably don't, but you're trying to be polite.

End a query with Thank you for your time and consideration. That's all you need.



What you've failed to do here is figure out how to query for an ensemble cast. The answer is not to list the characters and hope for the best.

There are some terrific ensemble cast books.

What you do is talk about what UNIFIES the characters. What do they have in common? Are they working at, coming to or leaving an AIRPORT (by Arthur Hailey). Are they living in the SOUTH PACIFIC (James Michener). Are they living/working/living/dying in Charm City (The Wire created by David Simon and Robert Colesberry.




There's simply no way all eight people can be the main character. They can be important to the plot, sure, but which character starts the plot moving forward? In Noble House by James Clavell it's not the prologue, it's the arrival of the Americans.

In Shogun, it's not the shipwreck, it's the decision to save the English sailor.

At some point in your novel, hopefully at the start, something changes. That's where your plot is.



Start over. Tell me about a story I'll want to read.

Questions:

* one of the people commenting on my pitch on your site mentioned that he thought it was speculative fiction. I’m not sure if a couple of ghosts qualify a novel as speculative fiction. Could it be Magic Realism?

I can never remember the distinctions on these, so I'm always looking it up. Here are some places to start. And category can be more fluid than genre for sure.

Magical realism: https://bookriot.com/2018/02/08/what-is-magical-realism/

Is speculative fiction also magical realism? https://liminalpages.com/exploring-speculative-fiction-sub-genres-magical-realism/

---------------------------

Revision #2


Dear Query Shark,

In 1977, seventeen-year-old psychic Alice discovers a young man in antique clothes — and he’s been murdered.

She asks Rona the housekeeper if she knows if there had ever been anyone murdered on the old Georgian estate? Rona reacts annoyed, and when Alice tells her about a ghostly swan with human eyes that tried to warn her about the forest, she becomes agitated and changes the subject.

“reacts annoyed” is incorrect usage. You mention in an earlier query that English is your second language. I think you’ll need a native English speaker for a the final once-over on this. A native speaker would catch this (I hope!)

I’m also confused by this entire paragraph. What ghostly swan? What warning?

Alice finds a dead guy in antique clothes. The first thing she does is ask the housekeeper if knows of any dead people? I’d think she’d check his pockets for ID. Or call the police. Or someone who could help her.

Is Rona the only other person on the estate? If so, and that’s why Alice inquires about this of her (Rona), then you don’t need to tell us much more than she (Rona) becomes agitated and changes the subject.
Determined to find answers, Alice searches her room and discovers a secret compartment containing old letters dated 1803. The letters, written by the eighteen-year-old Melissa, intrigue Alice and slowly a tragic life lived 174 years before starts to unfold.


So, you’ve got a dead body and your first course of action is to search your own room?

That doesn’t make sense to me.

You’d be better off to place less emphasis on the discovery of the dead body, and instead starting with the search: 

After Alice finds a murdered young man in antique clothes in the garden, something no one on the estate seems to want to talk about, she decides to search for clues about his identity.

The cache of letters from 1803 that she finds in a secret compartment in her own room seem to hold the answer.

Then Alice meets and falls in love with Rona’s nephew Connor and she experiences true happiness for the first time, but when she finds her dog poisoned in the forest, she begins to wonder if meeting Connor wasn’t orchestrated by Rona to stop her investigating the historical murder.

So that’ a long ass sentence of 48 words.

Anytime you have something this long, revise into shorter, blunter sentences.

You’re also awash in what happens rather than giving us the plot. (Lack of plot is a consistent problem in ALL these iterations of your query)

Consider this revision: Alice’s investigation slows down when she meets and falls in love with Rona’s nephew Connor.

There’s no connection here between the dog being poisoned and Connor. Why would Alice suspect him? And if she thought Connor killed her dog, why hasn’t she kicked him to the curb?

In trying to lay Melissa’s brother’s ghost to rest, Alice must face a devastating truth about the swan — with Connor’s eyes.

Again, what swan?

I grew up in Ireland and have always loved the stories told me by my teachers at the various convent schools I went to. THE GHOST SWAN is set in Ireland, and inspired by Irish legends and history. The novel is told in a dual time narrative and complete at 96,000 words, targeting a YA Crossover readership.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

There’s nothing at stake here for Alice. Facing a devastating truth is NOT stakes. What’s at stake is what Alice is going to lose, have to give up, etc. What choices she has to make.

Stakes are why we care about what happens. Without them, the book is just a series of events, and that’s not what you want.

There are templates on this blog for how to get plot on the page. Use them as the starting point.

Since it's  not in the query, first make sure it IS in the book.

Yes, it is entirely possible to write a book without a plot.

I’ve read some. Great writing, great voice, but no plot. Those break my heart.

Make sure you’ve got a plot in the book THEN revise the query to reflect that.



 --------------------------------
Revision #1

Question:

I’ve put in two comparable titles, Atonement which inspired me to want to write a heart-wrenching love story and I wanted the mystery of The Miniaturist, but how do you compare yourself to such great writers?

Dear Query Shark,

It’s 1977, Leda recently moved with her father to a mysterious Georgian estate in rural Ireland.

























You've still got the same problems you did in the first version: no plot.
This leads me to think that the problem might not be the query, it's the novel itself.

Make sure you have a plot in your novel. Yes, it is entirely possible to write a novel without a plot.
It's not a character flaw, or a sign that you're a bad writer, or you should throw up your hands in despair and become a taxi dancer at a waterfront dive bar.  It means you should figure out a plot and get it in the book.


 -------------------------------------
Original query

Questions:

1. I was raised in Ireland but born in the Netherlands; technically English is my second language, should I mention this in the query or would I be better off keeping my background a secret?

2. I’ve lost count as to how many agents I’ve queried; my novel was requested twice. I’ve had it assessed by official assessment agencies twice as well, both were very positive but had different views to what I should adjust. Could it than be the query that is posing the problem?

3. Is this query too short?

4. Should I mention the courses I did?


Dear Query Shark,

Florian relives one day over and over again, 11th February 1803, the last day of his life.
Leda discovers 174 years later who murdered him.


Your sentence structure is robbing that second line of any zing.
Consider: 174 years later, Leda discovers who murdered him.
See the difference?

But the problem of course is that reliving one day over and over again has been done so often that it's not only NOT fresh and new, it's tired and cranky.

This opening does not catch my interest. That's not fatal in a query, but it's not good either.

Although Florian and Leda live in their own time, each simultaneously embarks on a quest for truth, not knowing what the other discovers will affect them both in ways they never dreamed.

I don't understand what that means. Specifics really help in a query. And as far as I can tell there's no plot and nothing at stake. I really need to know about those in the query.

The Ghost Swan is a literary novel of 96,000 words set in Ireland in 1977 and 1803, and told from two perspectives.

And here's what's really amiss about this query. You're calling it a literary novel, but this query is the antithesis of literary. There are no lyrical turns of phrase, no deftly wrought metaphors, no words tangoing the reader across the dance floor of the novel, beguiling them to read on.

In other words: your query shows me what kind of writing to expect in the novel, and after reading this I do not expect literary fiction.


Plain is good. Plain is very good. But plain as in the beauty of an Amish quilt or the negative space of a spider web on a dewy morning.


I am an artist, and divide my time between writing and painting large watercolors. I’ve completed the writing a Novel, course at (School) in London, and (named) course in Scotland, and the (another name) Short Story Course. I published a short memoir in (another) Magazine in Dublin, and also made the artwork for the cover of (another) Literary Magazine, which was published last January.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

To answer your questions:
1. I was raised in Ireland but born in the Netherlands; technically English is my second language, should I mention this in the query or would I be better off keeping my background a secret?

There's a difference between keeping it a secret and not announcing it in a query. If you were raised in Ireland my guess is your English is pretty darn good. I didn't see anything in the query that made me wonder if it was your second language.

2. I’ve lost count as to how many agents I’ve queried; my novel was requested twice. I’ve had it assessed by official assessment agencies twice as well, both were very positive but had different views to what I should adjust. Could it than be the query that is posing the problem?

This query doesn't work at all. It starts with something that doesn't sound engaging, and there's no hint of plot, or what's at stake for either main character.

3. Is this query too short?
It doesn't have any mention of plot or stakes, so yes. That said, don't just add that. Think about how to entice your reader.

4. Should I mention the courses I did?
 No. The only thing that matters is the book.

Start over. Get some plot on the page here in the query.
SHOW me that you're writing literary fiction. 
If you're not, it's ok, but call it something else (like commercial fiction.)

Dear QueryShark:

They stumble through a portal? Generally when I'm slinking about with my Muse  here in NYC I avoid the manhole covers portals.     --------------

Original query

Question Re: contact info. Should a tumblr be included? I have over 2k followers, but it's mostly fandom content. And what about fanfiction? I've been writing for 17 years and I have stories that have close to 50k hits online, and several hundred likes and comments. But I also know that a lot of people see fanfiction as taboo. Should I reference it, or am I better off not mentioning it at all?

One last question - when submission guidelines ask for pages, should they always be double spaced, even if the submission guidelines don't say either way?


Dear Query Shark,

Rosie’s pretty sure it would take magic to help her publish a novel at this point. Her best friend, Adelaide, always said she had it in her. But to be honest, Rosie hasn’t written a word since Addy died two years ago. Right now, she has less chance of publishing a book than she has of landing a decent date on Tinder. And that’s saying something.

Novels about writers are really tricky. Only writers care about whether someone publishes a novel. And writers aren't your audience here: readers are.

This reminds me of a conversation I had with a doctor once at a writing conference. I asked what the stakes were in his novel. He said in a horrified voice "he will lose his hospital privileges!" The writer/doctor was shocked to his shoes when I said no one would care about that.

My point here is the book needs to be about more then whether Rosie gets published.

Theo has worked as a muse at Muses Inc. for two hundred years. Now, at last, his contract is almost up. He just needs to sign one more writer and he can get back to his life, to his own writing, to his freedom. But his boss, Calliope, doesn’t share his enthusiasm, and seems determined to make him stay, whatever the cost.

 This is actually a much more interesting start to the query. But what is Calliope's problem here? She doesn't like writers all of a sudden? Last I looked, she's the muse of Poets et al.

When Rosie inadvertently summons Theo, the two of them end up thrown into The Sandbox, a world where Rosie’s writing comes to life. The only way back home is to follow the story through to the end. Cue hybrid monsters, fire mages, fairy queens and one seriously manipulative Greek goddess.

So, what's the plot here? Rosie wants to get published. Got that. Theo wants out of Muses Inc. Got that. Who's running the Sandbox (ie the antagonist)? And by Greek goddess do you mean Calliope, cause she's a muse, not a goddess.


Rosie’s pretty sure it’ll all make a good book if she and Theo can just survive it.
ROSIE AND THEO is 74,000 words. It is a contemporary fantasy novel about reclaiming agency, overcoming fear, and becoming the protagonist of your own narrative.

Well, ok, but I don't get how this is any of that. What fears does Rosie overcome? Reclaiming agency? I'm pretty sure you don't mean literary agency, cause that would be weird. Become the protagonist of your own narrative sounds like a self-help book, not a novel.

This is my debut novel. When I’m not writing, I’m raising five kids to be pretty cool humans, along with my pretty cool, human husband. Sometimes, I’ll go on long and very excited rants about Jewish pirates. It’s a thing.

This is the best part of the query. It's funny. It makes sense. And it makes me want to know more about you.And where's the book about Jewish pirates? Oy matey!

Thank you for your time and consideration.

You don't have any plot on the page here, and I'm not seeing what you tell me the book is about. Start over.

As for your questions:
Question Re: contact info. Should a tumblr be included? I have over 2k followers, but it's mostly fandom content. And what about fanfiction? I've been writing for 17 years and I have stories that have close to 50k hits online, and several hundred likes and comments. But I also know that a lot of people see fanfiction as taboo. Should I reference it, or am I better off not mentioning it at all?

Include your Tumblr account if you want an agent to look at it. Any social media platform is ok, particularly if it shows you've got an engaged audience.  Readers are readers and I'm always glad to hear that a debut novelist already has some. 

Fanfiction is taboo? I guess we should all forget that complete flop of a novel Fifty Shades of Grey?
I can't sell fanfiction using a world someone else created but I can certainly let READERS of that fiction know you have another book being published. There's a very clear distinction here. Let me know if you need elaboration.

One last question - when submission guidelines ask for pages, should they always be double spaced, even if the submission guidelines don't say either way?

Not in an electronic query. Pages are single spaced BUT you allow white space by inserting a line every 3-5 lines so you're not sending a Big Block O'Text.

Your first query worked just fine.
Why are you "fixing"this?
It's the PAGES that aren't working.

 ----------------------------------------

ORIGINAL QUERY
Question:

After a handful of rejections, I decided to commit myself to the Query Shark archives and I'm so glad I did. I killed my darlings, waited, then killed some more. But, the question is still the same. Is it my letter or my pages that get me rejected? I need the Query Shark.

Dear Query Shark,

When the earth starts collapsing around her, Lauren Sand considers herself lucky to stumble through the steel hatch she finds in a mine shaft—until she reads the notice on the bomb shelter door telling her it won’t open for two years, when the radioactivity outside has safely decayed. But, thanks to the final radio broadcast of a conspiracy theorist named Mick Parks, the young woman knows it was an errant asteroid that shook the world, not nuclear war. What she has two years to wonder about is why no one knew the end was coming.

Now, standing on the new shore of the sea, breaking six-thousand-feet high into the Rocky Mountains, Lauren understands she will never see her Shoshone grandmother Jean and sister Ava again. They, and her hometown of Shadow Grass, Wyoming are covered by salt water. She has survived the end of the world, but to what end? As she begins her treacherous search for other survivors, Lauren is driven by the need to know how there was no warning that the end was near, except for the disregarded claims of a radio talk show host.

Hostile vagrants with saccharine promises haunt the desolate landscape and threaten her resolve. But when she meets Jay, nothing seems impossible. Lauren will learn that one person willing to ask why, and not flinch at the truth, can begin to reconstruct the broken world. Along the way, she will shed the doubts and guilt of adolescence and accept the most unexpected gift of all at the end of the world—love.

CAPTURE THE TIDE is a 66,000-word post-apocalyptic survival epic and love story. It is my debut novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

It's your pages.
This isn't the most compelling query I've ever seen but I like the concept a lot. I'd read pages if  I repped YA. (You know this is YA, right?)

I'm not sure finding out why the world ended is a strong enough plot; the world after all did end. No amount of knowing why is going to change that.

"Hostile vagrants" is the wrong phrase here. I'm not sure you can be a vagrant in a post apocalyptic world since it means "without visible means of support" and no one has a job in this new world, or money, most likely.

You might mean vagabond, as in traveller. 

You're also missing the obvious: why are they hostile? If I was traipsing around at the end of the world, I'd probably be glad to find someone else.

All that said, I'd read pages.

So, what's wrong with your pages?  My guess (and I haven't seen them of course) is you start at the wrong place.  Start with the door opening, not the door closing.  And you might think about the plot too.

Revision # 1

Dear Query Shark,

Prophecies, Princess Willow Starmill has decided, are the worst. Especially the one that says she must marry a prince. The seer’s words prevent Willow from kissing her best friend, Finn Fields, the only mortal on Atlantis, but they don’t stop her from wondering what it would be like.

Let’s talk rhythm here. What you have is a long ass sentence of 29 words:

The seer’s words prevent Willow from kissing her best friend, Finn Fields, the only mortal on Atlantis, but they don’t stop her from wondering what it would be like.

Consider this revision:

The seer’s words prevent Willow from kissing her best friend, Finn Fields, the only mortal on Atlantis. but They don’t stop her from wondering what it would be like.

The shorter sentences are punchier, more rhythmic.

This is the work of revising. Everyone writes long ass sentences on that first draft.

It’s when you dig in, looking at each sentence and thinking “what can I do to make this more hard hitting.”

Timing is everything, and not just in comedy.
That cursed prophecy is all anyone can talk about when a prince unexpectedly visits from another realm. Prince George offers political strength, a marriage proposal, and eternal boredom. Willow can’t give him an answer until she sorts out her confusing feelings for Finn, but the more time she takes, the more dangerous her beloved island becomes.

And again, look at that last sentence. 28 words. Flab flab flab.

Unpredictable weather causes devastating damage. A fast-spreading illness affects half the population. Rampaging beasts, dormant for centuries, injure people beyond magical repair. Willow and Finn barely escape from a winged menace near the forest. Giant claws shred four young men in the mountains. The waters teem with deadly tentacles. Willow’s kingdom used to be a paradise full of bird-speak and flower-song. The only melodies floating on the salty air since Prince George arrived are dirges.

Let’s do a better job of connecting those two paragraphs. Often it’s as simple as repeating a word:

the more dangerous her beloved island becomes.

Unpredictable dangerous weather causes devastating damage.

Then  you just swan off into detail that doesn’t move the plot forward:


You can cut all of this:

Willow and Finn barely escape from a winged menace near the forest. Giant claws shred four young men in the mountains. The waters teem with deadly tentacles. Willow’s kingdom used to be a paradise full of bird-speak and flower-song. The only melodies floating on the salty air since Prince George arrived are dirges.

Without losing any plot.


People whisper about bad luck and ignored prophecies. Marry the prince and end this, they say. What no one understands is if Willow marries George, a piece of her, the Finn-sized piece, will die.

It’s not ignored prophecies, plural. It’s ignored prophecy singular. That’s a HUGELY important detail because one ignored prophecy that falls on Willow means she’s the only person who can change things.

Details like this catch my eye in the query. I really respond to meticulous writing.

Also for what’s at stake “the Finn-sized piece of her may die” is pretty low-rent. If I lived in Atlantis, I’d say “hey Willow, suck it up, people are dying here.”

And in fact, if she’s the noble hero, she’s not even thinking twice, she’s RUNNING down the aisle in order to save her people.

While Willow searches for proof that her prophecy is unrelated to the recent disastrous events, she discovers the truth about Finn’s past. A truth that could set everything right, or send Atlantis crashing into the sea.

So, Willow is trying to avoid her destiny, I get that. But the plans to get her hitched to Georgie better be proceeding full steam ahead, or there’s no tension.

In other words, she IS going to marry George unless she can figure out a way to save Atlantis.

THE LAST REALM is a completed 80,000-word YA fantasy novel that retells the story of Atlantis in the vein of ABC’s Once Upon a Time.

I had to look up this comparison, and it seems pretty apt, but it's also a TV show, and generally you want to use books, not other media forms as comparisons.

I earned my B.A. in English and my master’s in English education, both from Rutgers University. I taught 8th grade and 10th grade English classes. Currently, I am raising four readers who borrow a back-breaking number of books from the library, which makes me proud and my chiropractor happy.


YES YES YES!!! This is a lovely bio, with a delightful zing of humor!!! I knew you weren’t boring.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


So, we may have a problem with the book, in that Willow really needs to demonstrate her heroism by agreeing to marry Boring George to save her people. She can be searching for a way out, but what she can’t do is try to avoid her duty.

The essence of being the hero is that you Do The Right Thing even when it costs you. The hero runs IN to the fire, not away from it; toward the gunfire, not away from it. Make sure Willow does this.

Then revise the query and resend.



---------
Original query

Questions:

• 1) After reading 318 shark attacks, I have written about 318 drafts of this letter. I feel like this draft meets your criteria and has the most voice. My beta readers are split. My objectivity died a horrible death about 53 drafts ago. Is the writing coherent and the voice clear?
• 2) I am a SAHM and debut author. If a bio is required, should I just keep it to 2 sentences about my former education and teaching experience and stick it right before the closing? Does a boring bio turn agents off?

Let me stop you right there. I never EVER want to hear you refer to yourself as boring because you are a stay-at-home mom. You may not be curing cancer but you are raising readers, and by god if you don't recognize how important that is, I do, and I'm coming to your house to smack you around with the spiderpus.


Dear Query Shark:

Eighteen-year-old Willow Starmill hates shoes, heavy dresses, and the crown that her mother swears impresses other royals of the Seven Hidden Realms. Willow much prefers to roam the island barefoot, dancing or drawing swords with Finn Fields. When his mother dies, Finn is the only mortal left in the kingdom. Willow would give up her plant-magic, or worse, she would grow dandelions for the rest of eternity, rather than watch Finn wither over time. What good is being an immortal princess on an enchanted island if she can’t even save her best friend?

This isn't bad, or even not-good.
It's well-written.
It doesn't clunk.
But it's also not compelling. It doesn't grab me. It doesn't make me eager to read on.

When Willow learns that Finn will become immortal if she marries him, binding souls on their wedding night, she almost starts planning his funeral. She can’t turn her back on the prophecy given to her on the day she was born, the one that says she must marry a prince. Everyone knows the first day prophecies are never wrong.

This is all set up and backstory. It's not bad, but it's also not that interesting.


Willow’s parents remind her of that fact when Prince George arrives from another realm, offering political strength and a marriage proposal. The longer Willow delays answering the prince, the more dangerous her beloved island becomes. Unpredictable weather causes devastating damage, a fast-spreading illness affects half the population, and rampaging beasts injure people beyond magical repair.

Rampaging beasts? That's kinda fun...but you just toss it in there like a carnivorous rhino with wings is a small detail. (Ok, I made up the carnivorous rhino with wings part but still..)


Are these things happening because Willow is ignoring the prophecy that she has believed her whole life, or is there something darker at work in Atlantis?

Right here is where you finally get to the good stuff, and I had to wade through a lot of set up to get here.

Time is running out for Willow to choose between the alliance or the friendship, her kingdom or her heart.

There's nothing unexpected here, there's no twist. There's nothing that makes me gasp with delight.

I’m seeking representation for THE LAST REALM, a completed 80,000-word YA fantasy novel about first loss and first love. It will appeal to fans of Matched by Ally Condie, The Selection by Kiera Cass, and to barefoot, sword-wielding princesses from any realm.

Matched was pubbed in 2011. The Selection in 2013. Thus both books are too old to be good comps for you. You want books published recently (within 2-3 years)

I chose to submit this to you because, being the only actual fish in the literary sea, you are uniquely equipped to answer my question: On a scale of dwarf lanternshark to megalodon, how necessary are sharks to the success of a novel? Asking for a friend.

Essential.
For you and your friend.
Opinions may vary, but I'm right, and everyone else is wrong.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Contact Info



As to your question: You can included anything you want in your bio other that the word boring.  You can talk about your eduction. You can tell me you're a stay-at-home mom.  You can mention you're a debut author. Yes, a boring bio turns anyone off, but you're a writer. Make it sound interesting.

As to  whether the writing is coherent and the voice clear? Yes it is, but that's not your problem.

The problem with this query isn't that it's bad. It's not. It's good writing. But it doesn't do the job because it doesn't entice me to read the pages.

The problem is NOT the query; it's the book you're describing. It needs something (a twist of some sort) to elevate it above the pack.

Go back to the fantasy you love to read. What surprised and delighted you about the book/s? Now, do better.

On March 31, the volunteer computing part of SETI@home will stop distributing work and will go into hibernation.

We're doing this for two reasons:

1) Scientifically, we're at the point of diminishing returns; basically, we've analyzed all the data we need for now.

2) It's a lot of work for us to manage the distributed processing of data. We need to focus on completing the back-end analysis of the results we already have, and writing this up in a scientific journal paper.

However, SETI@home is not disappearing. The web site and the message boards will continue to operate. We hope that other UC Berkeley astronomers will find uses for the huge computing capabilities of SETI@home for SETI or related areas like cosmology and pulsar research. If this happens, SETI@home will start distributing work again. We'll keep you posted about this.

If you're currently running SETI@home on your computer, we encourage you to attach to other BOINC-based projects as well. Or use Science United and sign up to do astronomy. You can stay attached to SETI@home, of course, but you won't get any jobs until we find new applications.

We're extremely grateful to all of our volunteers for supporting us in many ways during the past 20 years. Without you there would be no SETI@home. We're excited to finish up our original science project, and we look forward to what comes next.

Richard Lawn has posted a new SETI Perspective entitled How did life begin on Earth and elsewhere?.

SETI@home will stop distributing tasks soon, but we encourage you to continue donate computing power to science research - in particular, research on the COVID-19 virus. The best way to do this is to join Science United and check the "Biology and Medicine" box.

We are saddened to report that former moderator and long-term friend of SETI@home Jim Scott passed away unexpectedly this morning. Angela has started a thread where people can post their memories of Jim and offer condolences.

Will He Get A Second Term?

Donald Trump has proven himself to be the most corrupt, dishonest, and incompetent president in American history. 

But despite all of the lies, abuses of power, and damage to the country – I must warn you – there’s a very real possibility he could be reelected. This doesn’t have to be the case. 

Let me explain.

Although Trump has been impeached and is one of the most unpopular presidents in modern history, he still has devoted support among his core base. Nearly 90 percent of Republicans still approve of the job he’s doing, a rate that’s held constant throughout his presidency. According to one survey, a third of Trump supporters said there was nothing he could do to lose their support.

Trump still maintains substantial support in key swing states as well. Recent polls show him neck and neck with leading Democratic candidates in the key states of Michigan, Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, Florida, Arizona, and North Carolina. Remember, Hillary Clinton won the popular vote in 2016 by 3 million votes but still lost the election because of the power of these states in the Electoral College.

Big money donors are also forking over record sums of money to keep Trump in office. In the last quarter of 2019 alone, he raked in a staggering $46 million, far outpacing any of his Democratic opponents. He now has more than $100 million in the bank, not to mention the millions raised by pro-Trump Super PACs. The GOP’s biggest donors – some of whom didn’t support him in 2016, but received massive windfalls from Trump’s tax cut – are now paying him back.  

At the same time, voter suppression is on the rise. To suppress turnout by likely Democratic voters, Republican officials have doubled down on their efforts to keep low-income and minority voters from the polls. They are intimidating immigrant voters, purging voter rolls, closing polling places, and making it harder to register in the first place. 

Florida went so far as to institute a modern-day poll tax, requiring people with past felony convictions to pay off any fines or fees before exercising their right to vote. In 2016, over 20 percent of black voting-age Floridians weren’t able to vote due to past felony convictions, and now, hundreds of thousands could still be prevented from going to the polls this November in this key state.

We are also at risk of foreign powers trying to interfere in the election, as they did in 2016. Experts warn that many states still lack the necessary safeguards to protect against interference. The FBI, Department of Justice and National Security Agency have also raised concerns that Russia, China, and Iran might attempt misinformation campaigns. I can’t believe I even have to say this, but foreign governments should not have a say in our elections.

So why am I telling you all of this? I don’t mean to scare you. And the last thing I want to do is cause you to be hopeless, and give up. To the contrary, I want you to be more determined than ever. Despite all these attacks on democracy, we have what it takes to make Trump a one-term president. But only if we remain focused and united.

It may seem daunting. We’re up against a full-fledged attack on our democratic institutions. But there is a way forward: 

We can defeat Trump and his enablers by building a multiracial, multi-class coalition. And we do that by supporting a true progressive with a bold vision for an economy and democracy that works for all Americans. That way enough voters will be inspired to show up to the polls and stop Trump’s authoritarian machine for good.

This isn’t a pipe dream. We already beat the liar-in-chief by 2.8 million votes in 2016. And the 2018 elections had the highest turnout of any midterm election since 1914 – handing House Republicans their most resounding defeat in decades. People are outraged – and we must keep fighting.

If we come together, we will prevail.

Trump’s Failed Coronavirus Response

The Trump administration’s response to the coronavirus pandemic has been a deliberate disaster from the beginning. But don’t take my word for it – just look at the facts.

Here’s the timeline: 

In 2018, he let the pandemic-preparedness office in the National Security Council simply dissolve, and followed up with budget cuts to HHS and CDC this year. That team’s job was to follow a pandemic playbook written after global leaders fumbled their response to Ebola in 2014. Trump was briefed on the playbook’s existence in his first year - had he listened, the government would’ve started getting equipment to doctors two months ago.

The initial outbreak of the coronavirus began in Wuhan, China, in December, 2019.  

By mid-January, 2020, the White House had intelligence reports that warned of a likely pandemic.

On January 18th, HHS Secretary Azar spoke with Trump to emphasize the threat of the virus just as US Diplomats were being evacuated from Wuhan.

Two days later, the virus was confirmed in both the US and South Korea.

That week, South Korean officials immediately drafted medical companies to develop test kits for mass production. The WHO declared a global health emergency. But Trump … did nothing.

As Hubei Province went on lockdown, Trump, who loves any excuse to enact a racist travel ban, barred entry of any foreigners coming from China (it was hardly proactive) but took no additional steps to prepare for infection in the United States.

He said, “We pretty much shut it down, coming in from China,”

He didn’t ramp up production of test kits so we could begin isolating the virus.

By February, the US had 14 confirmed cases but the CDC test kits proved faulty; there weren’t enough of them, and they were restricted to only people showing symptoms. The US pandemic response was already failing.

Trump then began actively downplaying the crisis and baselessly predicting it would go away when the weather got warmer.

Trump decided there was nothing to see here, and on February 24th, took time out of his day to remind us that the stock markets were soaring.

A day later, CDC officials sounded the alarm that daily life could be severely disrupted. The window to get ahead of the virus by testing and containment was closing. 

Trump’s next move: He compared Coronavirus to the seasonal flu…and called the emerging crisis a hoax by the Democrats.

With 100 cases in the US, Trump declined to call for a national emergency.

Meanwhile, South Korea was now on its way to testing a quarter million people, while the US was testing 40 times slower.

When a cruise ship containing Americans with coronavirus floated toward San Francisco, Trump said he didn’t want people coming off the ship to be tested because they’d make the numbers look bad.

It wasn’t until the stock market reacted to the growing crisis and took a nosedive that Trump finally declared a national emergency.

By this time, South Korea had been using an app for over a month that pulled government data to track cases and alert users to stay away from infected areas.

Over the next weeks, as the virus began its exponential spread across the US, and Governors declared states of emergency, closing schools and workplaces and stopping the American economy in its tracks –  Trump passed on every opportunity to get ahead of this crisis.

Trump’s priority was never public health. It was about making the virus seem like less of a nuisance so that the “numbers” would “look good” for his reelection.

Only when the stock market crashed did Trump finally begin to pay attention…and mostly to bailing out corporations in the form of a massive $500 billion slush fund, rather than to helping people. And then, with much of America finally and belatedly in lockdown, he said at a Fox News town hall that he would “love” to have the country “opened up, and just raring to go” by Easter.

At every point, Trump has used this crisis to compliment himself.

This is not leadership. This is the exact opposite of leadership. 

From Ukraine to Coronavirus: Trump’s Abuse of Power Continues

Donald Trump has spent a lifetime exploiting chaos for personal gain and blaming others for his losses. The pure madness in America’s response to the coronavirus pandemic – shortages of equipment to protect hospital workers, dwindling supplies of ventilators and critical medications, jaw-dropping confusion over how $2.2 trillion of aid in the recent coronavirus law will be distributed – has given him the perfect cover to hoard power and boost his chances of reelection.

As the death toll continues to climb and states are left scrambling for protective gear and crucial resources, Trump is focused on only one thing: himself. 

He’s told governors to find life-saving equipment on their own, claiming the federal government is “not a shipping clerk” and subsequently forcing states and cities into a ruthless bidding war.

Governors have been reduced to begging FEMA for supplies from the dwindling national stockpile, with vastly different results. While we haven’t seen what “formula” FEMA supposedly has for determining who gets what, reports suggest that Trump’s been promising things to governors who can get him on the phone. 

Our narcissist-in-chief has ordered FEMA to circumvent their own process and send supplies to states that are “appreciative”.

Michigan and Colorado have received fractions of what they need while Oklahoma and Kentucky have gotten more than what they asked for. Colorado and Massachusetts have confirmed shipments only to have them held back by FEMA. Ron DeSantis, the Trump-aligned governor of Florida, refused to order a shelter-in-place mandate for weeks, but then received 100% of requested supplies within 3 days. New Jersey waited for two weeks. New York now has more cases than any other single country, but Trump barely lifted a finger for his hometown because Governor Andrew Cuomo is “complaining” about the catastrophic lack of ventilators in the city.

A backchannel to the president is a shoe-in way to secure life-saving supplies. Personal flattery seems to be the most effective currency with Trump; the chain of command runs straight through his ego, and that’s what the response has been coordinated around.

He claims that as president he has “total authority” over when to lift quarantine and social distancing guidelines, and threatens to adjourn Congress himself so as to push through political appointees without Senate confirmation.

And throughout all of this, Trump has been determined to reject any attempt of independent oversight into his administration’s disastrous response.

When he signed the $2 trillion emergency relief package into law, he said he wouldn’t agree to provisions in the bill for congressional oversight – meaning the wheeling-and-dealing will be done in secret.

He has removed the inspector general leading the independent committee tasked with overseeing the implementation of the massive bill.

He appointed one of his own White House lawyers, who helped defend him in his impeachment trial, to oversee the distribution of the $500 billion slush fund for corporations. That same day, he fired Inspector General Michael Atkinson – the inspector general who handed the whistleblower complaint to Congress that ultimately led to Trump’s impeachment.

There should never have been any doubt that Trump would try to use this crisis to improve his odds of re-election.

Stimulus checks going to the lowest-income earners were delayed because Trump demanded each one of them bear his name. As millions of the hardest-hit Americans scrambled to put food on the table and worried about the stack of bills piling up, Trump’s chief concern was himself.

It doesn’t matter that this is a global pandemic. Abusing his power for personal gain is Trump’s MO.

Just three and a half months ago, Trump was impeached on charges of abuse of power and obstructing investigations. Telling governors that they need to “be appreciative” in order to receive life-saving supplies for their constituents is the same kind of quid pro quo that Trump tried to extort from Ukraine, and his attempts to thwart independent oversight are the same as his obstruction of Congress.

Trump called his impeachment a “hoax”. He initially called the coronavirus a “hoax”. But the real hoax is his commitment to America. In reality he will do anything – anything – to hold on to power.

To Donald Trump, the coronavirus crisis is just another opportunity.

As a rule, the more intricate and over-worked the doodle, the worse the writing's going...

This is from the tour show. It's the image we put up at the start of the sketch about the designer of the snake, to try to get across the idea of an animal design department. Tomorrow, I'll put up the image that replaces it when the head of the department says he has one or two questions about the new design...

All these things can be clicked for bigger-er, by the way.

Also drawn for the tour show. And also animated, though that was done by the excellent Chris Lincé, not by me.

And indeed not in Salford. Because in Salford, the computer that we run the show on froze at the start of the Kirates sketch, and Simon and I had to stick our heads round the back cloth and do it live. Whilst in the middle of changing into our red trousers...

Sure, you can't stop progress, and it's not as if the old way ever worked in any case, but... still, he kind of misses it.

Brrr.

In the latest episode of their scrappy but determined podcast, Ken and Robin talk underdog opponents, the Sandby Borg massacre, All Rolled Up's Fil Baldowski, and lunar metal.

In the latest episode of their thoroughly vetted podcast, Ken and Robin talk converting standard GUMSHOE scenarios to QuickShock, a Ukraine mole, QuestWorlds with Ian Cooper, and moving Lovecraft to Chicago.

Yes, my dear Earpers…it’s finally happening! Season 4 has finally gotten the green light! The show was originally renewed by SYFY and Space for the US and Canada market, but production was delayed due to apparent financial issues at IDW Entertainment without an international distributor – but now they have one. IDW Entertainment, SEVEN24 Films, […]

The Orville star and creator Seth MacFarlane dropped a bomb at San Diego Comic Con – the show will move off of Fox onto the Hulu streaming network for season 3. In a statement MacFarlane said, “The Orville has been a labor of love for me, and there are two companies which have supported that […]

Just thought I’d give an update, since I haven’t posted any articles in a while…I decided to take some time off from this site as it was taking up a lot of time just trying to keep up with the news lately, and I’ve been super busy with many other things that I just couldn’t […]

Congress Sets Up Taxpayers to Eat $454 Billion of Wall Street’s Losses. Where Is the Outrage?

By Pam Martens and Russ Martens: May 7, 2020 ~ Beginning on March 24 of this year, Larry Kudlow, the White House Economic Advisor, began to roll out the most deviously designed bailout of Wall Street in the history of America. After the Federal Reserve’s secret $29 trillion bailout of Wall Street from 2007 to 2010, and the exposure of that by a government audit and in-depth report by the Levy Economics Institute in 2011, Kudlow was going to have to come up with a brilliant strategy to sell another multi-trillion-dollar Wall Street bailout to the American people. The scheme was brilliant (in an evil genius sort of way) and audacious in employing an Orwellian form of reverse-speak. The plan to bail out Wall Street would be sold to the American people as a rescue of “Main Street.” It was critical, however, that all of the officials speaking to the … Continue reading →

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Shaenon: Indoors? Reading? Need piles of comics? For the length of all shelter-in-place advisories, all Narbonic and Skin Horse books you order from the Couscous Store will arrive signed and sketched by me. Stay safe, stay sane, read fun stuff.[…]↓ Read the rest of this entry...

As the coronavirus pandemic has forced us to break out of our normal sports and fitness routines, these innovators -- and professional athletes -- are making the most of their time at home with creative takes on the games and workouts we know and love.

Sports Minister Kiren Rijiju said the first priority for this would be given to those who have qualified for the Olympics.

Don't expect a pack of running fanatics swarming to the finish line at road races this year. But that doesn't mean that participants don't have options.

Most stakeholders agree that holding smaller competitions will be the best way forward post-lockdown.

The IOC Session -- an annual meeting of approximately 100 members -- will be held in July via a video conference rather than the originally scheduled gathering in Tokyo prior to the Summer Olympics.

Kvůli koronavirové pandemii pracují z domova tisíce lidí. Home office má však určitý pracovně-právní rámec, což tuší málokdo. Jaká jsou práva a povinnosti zaměstnanců a co musí zaměstnavatel udělat, aby neporušil zákoník práce? Ve spolupráci s právníky Bořivojem Líbalem a Markem Poloni přinášíme praktický servis rad pro zaměstnance a zaměstnavatele.