A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Margaret Thatcher's ability to kick off what Mrs Merton used to call a heated debate, is apparent on today's front pages.

The Sun has commissioned a poll of Britain's favourite prime ministers. "Maggie wins again!" it cries. Margaret Thatcher pushes Churchill into second place, and Clement Attlee can only manage 5%, behind Tony Blair and Harold Wilson.

In the YouGov poll of 1,893 adults, poor old Ted Heath and David Cameron finish with nil points. Pitt the younger doesn't get a look in either although that's because the poll confines itself to post-war leaders.

The Times strikes a conciliatory note. "Royal respect as Queen leads Thatcher mourners." The paper says that whatever misgivings the Queen may have had about Thatcherism have been put to one side. "The conjecture that the Queen was fundamentally opposed to much of what her longest-serving prime minister stood for will be forgotten in the significance of the moment."

"Operation True Blue: Thatcher funeral in security clampdown," warns the Guardian about fears that the funeral service may foment civic unrest and terrorist attacks.

The ipaper risks not only spreading alarm and confusion but enraging pedants. "Britain at war over Thatcher funeral". Erm, tanks on the streets, pitched battles? Oh, not literally.

The Daily Mirror goes in hard but with better grammar. "The £10m goodbye. Why is Britain's most divisive Prime Minister getting a ceremonial funeral fit for a Queen?"

It may not come as a total surprise to find that the Daily Mail is angry. Very angry. "The flames of hatred: 30 years of Left wing loathing for Lady T explodes in sick celebrations of her death." (There's also a medium range ballistic missile launched from page 10 at the good people of this parish...)

The Daily Telegraph tries to calm things down. "No gushing hysteria, just quiet, dignified respect" is the headline over Michael Deacon's report from Finchley, the Iron Lady's constituency for 33 years. A local recalls how she had a soft spot for a bar called Cheers.

"She would pop in and have a drink. Denis would have gin and tonic and I think she would have a glass of wine...She was very approachable and friendly." It's cosy and sepia tinted, like the credits of Coronation Street relocated to prosperous middle class suburbia.

But amidst all the gentle colour, the writer can't resist one pot shot at those celebrating Thatcher's death. "For those who insist that Left-wing ideology is motivated above all by compassion for others, this must be a difficult week." Ouch!

Which leaves one paper not doing Thatcher on its front page. Come in Daily Express, your taste for bathos knows no bounds. (Yes, even the Daily Star splashes on the funeral costs). "Gel to wipe out arthritic pain" runs the headline.

And on that bombshell...

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Sometimes an incongruous detail is all you need for a great story. Like putting Madonna and Gary Neville in the same headline.

"Madonna's very rude...Gary Neville has equally dazzling stature but better manners", goes the Daily Mirror headline.

The story is badged "It's Official" suggesting there may be an element of tongue in cheek. As might the picture of Neville wearing an England tracksuit, captioned "Dazzler", on one side of the page with Madge in a Panama hat on the other.

The paper reports that the Malawian government made an "astonishing attack" on the US artiste after she visited her charity in the southern African country last week.

The reason for the spat remains vague. The paper reports that she was "left fuming after being snubbed by president Joyce Banda and having to queue with economy passengers at the airport as she flew out of the capital Lilongwe".

The government statement accuses her of wanting Malawi "to be for ever chained to the obligation of gratitude".

Other papers note though that the government diatribe follows the sacking of the president's sister as head of Raising Malawi, Madonna's charity there.

But the story's real joy is in the ill-assorted mix of celebs the government lists.

"It is worth making her aware that Malawi has hosted many international stars, including Chuck Norris, Bono, David James, Rio Ferdinand and Gary Neville who have never demanded state attention or decorum despite their equally dazzling stature."

Paper Monitor guesses that the Mirror subs had a little chat about which of the three footballers to pair with Madge in the headline.

Which would jar most incongruously next to the "Queen of Pop"? Somehow, ineffably, Gary Neville wins every time.

It's the Caption Competition.

Caption competition is now closed. Full rules can be seen here [PDF].

This week, a new look is unveiled.

6. trisarahtops:
Catwalk face-off

5. StoneyMast:
We come, with our new look, in peace. Take me to your leader

4. George Huber:
Mannequin Skywalker

3. abz:
Terracotta Armani

2. Fi:
After 35 years, someone finally designed a collection to cover Morph's modesty...

1. SkarloeyLine:
Eighth new social class discovered - the faceless minority

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

If you're a woman, it may be worth reading the Times before getting dressed this morning.

The paper reports how Professor Jean-Denis Rouillon, an academic at the University Hospital of Besancon in eastern France, has broken the post-war consensus.

Bras may not be necessary for holding up breasts. Or "norks" as Carol Midgley calls them in her commentary.

The Frenchman tracked 320 women's breasts over 15 years. I'll bet he did, a wag might mutter.

"Our first results validate the hypothesis that the bra is a false need," the professor says, adopting a most unpage 3 lexicon.

"Medically, physiologically and anatomically, the breast derives no benefit from being deprived of gravity. If it is, the tissues that support it are going to decline and the breast will progressively suffer damage."

Prof Rouillon is not one to shirk the detail. He notes that after a year of not wearing a bra, the nipples of women aged between 18 and 35 rose by 7mm on average.

Older and underweight women might need a bra but for the young it could be damaging, he argues in a technocratic idiom that comes naturally to a Francophone scientist.

"If a woman puts on a bra when her breasts first appear, the suspensory apparatus does not work properly and tissues of the bra distend."

It's left to Midgely to shoot his theory down with some anecdotal evidence of a less professorial tone. "Going without them gives you backache, a dowager's hump and the impression that two labrador puppies are tussling under your jumper."

Paper Monitor, who cannot confirm or deny the presence of a bra about its person, is keeping an open mind until Monsieur Rouillon's full research is published.

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

The electronic Daily Telegraph is now behind a paywall. Paper Monitor has effected an old-school breach of that wall - buying a copy of the actual paper.

It's almost like going undercover. Reading an actual paper edition of a newspaper.

Page two has the gratifying news that Carol Vorderman's nose is better. She fell down and broke it. She did not have a nose job. That was speculation.

Page six reveals that cheats in school games are copying footballers. For clarity, in Telegraphland a common equation is footballers=bad.

But you have to wait until page 11 for the really serious news.

"Here's to you, Mrs Robinson. Why more 40-somethings are dating younger men".

That's the headline. And there's a massive picture of Helen McCrory. Massive.

The anchor on the same page is Catherine Deneuve saying flat shoes are sexier than "twisted" and impossible high heels.

Further on there's a leader. It quotes the Song of Solomon.

Oh, to wear one's erudition so lightly.

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

There's crime stories. And then there's quirky crime stories.

The Daily Telegraph headline gives you a clue that this is a nice, light story about how crime doesn't pay.

"Happiness is... a burglar wasting three days for pouch of tobacco."

The ne'er-do-well spent three nights chiselling away at the wall of Medway Motorcycles in Rochester to make a hole big enough to squeeze into. Finally he breached the 2ft-thick wall. The high performance bikes were to be his. And then he realised he'd forgotten about the alarm.

"One false move towards the bikes would have sent the alarm ringing," the paper reports. "So the thief crept up to the first floor instead, looking for items to steal."

In the end he left with just a packet of rolling tobacco worth £3.

"When I got here the next morning the place was in a right state but all I can see he has nicked is my Golden Virginia," the owner says.

The proprietor's surname is Eastwood. If only he'd caught the burglar in the act.

Imagine the scene, burglar holding the Golden Virginia, Eastwood - first name Jez but we'll gloss over that - reaching for his pretend, concealed .44 Magnum: "You've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?"

It took Paper Monitor a while to work out the happiness allusion of the headline.

A clue - it depends how many TV ads you remember from the 1980s that used Bach's Air on a G string to conjure up plumes of sensuous tobacco smoke. Answers to the usual place.

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Hair we go again. Sorry, Paper Monitor couldn't resist.

Yes, it's another hair story, and yes, there's a picture of Jennifer Aniston.

This time, however, the Daily Mail reports that the Friends star has finally fallen out of favour. At least, her hairstyle has anyway.

It says a survey on the best onscreen hairstyles reveals her locks are no longer the most influential.

"Sorry, Jen... Anne's top of the crops," is its headline, revealing that Anne Hathaway's crowning glory has outshone the competition.

The elfin cut was first sported in the 2011 adaptation of David Nicholls's hit novel One Day. But it was her Oscar-winning turn in Les Miserables, as Fantine, which saw her cut it off for an extended period.

The actress was said to be "inconsolable" after the chop so it's quite a turnaround.

For those interested in which other celebrities made the cut, Miss Aniston's long curly style in Along Came Polly was in second place. And Audrey Hepburn's "up do" from 1963 film Charade in third.

This is our last entry on this page.

Just as Monitor Towers has moved, so the Monitor itself is relocating to a new home, with a fresh format.

Visit our new page to keep up with Paper Monitor, Caption Competition, your letters and some other things too.

This version of the Monitor will no longer be updated, but it will remain here for posterity.

You might like to follow the Magazine on Facebook and Twitter to keep up to date with offerings from the Monitor.

This year, I am currently making over $12,000 less a year then I was supposed to when I was hired in 2004, a letter to the editor says.

In this materialistic culture, this holiday stands alone as a time to reflect on the blessings we've been given by God, a letter to the editor says.

If used properly and regulated in a reasonable fashion, vape technology can have a positive public health impact

Everywhere I look I see the most heinous and immoral acts.

The alarming rise of anti-Semitism in this country and other parts of the world is completely unacceptable, a letter to the editor says.

'Thank God we have a president in office with a backbone.'

Future authorizations must be limited in scope and duration so that wars can no longer be waged endlessly without public deliberation, a letter says.

If I was just passing through on my way somewhere else, what I see along the roadside would not encourage me to stay, a letter to the editor says.

We all must work together to dismantle the barriers and empower our neighbors for a truly inclusive city, a letter to the editor says.

Once he pads his resume, former South Bend, Indiana, mayor Pete Buttigieg can run again for a higher office, a letter to the editor says.

I am grateful for thoughtful insights amid today's cacophony of intolerant and mean-spirited shouting, a letter to the editor says.

Our state is taking the wise step of reducing unnecessary public gatherings and that includes voting.

Take this virus seriously and do your part to protect everyone in the community, a letter to the editors says.

There is no recovery for those who will die if COVID-19 is not slowed and we overwhelm our health care system, a letter to the editor says.

Now is the time to stay at home and allow us to bring much needed supplies to your front door.

They have worked statewide seven-days per week to offer support, guidance, expertise and reassurance.

Brandon Kaiser, charged with the shootings of Clark County judges Andrew Adams and Brad Jacobs, is scheduled to go to trial June 15.

Walter Goudy, 51, reached a settlement with the city of Anderson and the state of Indiana, according to city officials and and his attorney.

The fire broke out on the roof of the 800 Cap Apartments, 800 N. Capitol Ave., at about 1:30 a.m. Tuesday, IFD Battalion Chief Rita Reith said.

Hamilton County Sheriff's Office is investigating the death of a man who was found in a ditch Friday afternoon just northeast of Noblesville.

A man who allegedly battered an off-duty Noblesville police officer and stole her department vehicle Tuesday died during an ensuing pursuit.

These are the first confirmed coronavirus cases at the Johnson County Jail.

IMPD police shot and killed an armed suspect at the Dogwood Glen Apartments in the 2200 block of Woodglen Drive, at about 1:30 a.m.

Police said the pregnant woman was hit on South Harding Street, near the I-465 ramp.

Within hours of two officer-involved shootings on Indianapolis' north side, community leaders began to respond.

The shooting happened early Thursday on the northwest side, just eight hours and three miles removed from another fatal police-involved shooting.

Indianapolis Metro police are investigating after a man was found dead with an apparent gunshot wound or wounds on the city's north east side.

Here is a list of notable officer-involved shootings by Indianapolis Metropolitan Police Department officers in recent years

After IMPD officers killed 3 people in 8 hours, IndyStar found that Indianapolis is the largest city in the country without police body cameras.

Police are investigating after a woman was fatally shot on the city's west side early Saturday morning.

Bulldogs senior hits a 3-pointer in the closing seconds to knock off Xavier in the Big East regular-season finale.

Kamar Baldwin talks about his winning 3-pointer

For years, Butler seniors have been trying to leave the locker rooms they visit cleaner than when they arrive

Providence has dominated the series with Butler,12-4

People are mad, and want answers from NCAA president Mark Emmert about canceling March Madness without postponing it first. So let's ask him.

Scooby Johnson of Benton Harbor is the 40th Michigan Mr. Basketball, narrowly beating out Flint Beecher's Jalen Terry for the award.

Rotnei Clarke and his wife packed for her and their three small children in less than three hours.

We know Khalif Battle is headed out, but will anyone follow? And who could be coming in?

LaVall Jordan on transfers: 'We'd rather have nobody than the wrong guy.'

The Bulldogs reached the title game with a 52-50 victory over Michigan State

Wisconsin AD Barry Alvarez announced his school will not submit waivers for spring-sport seniors to regain a year of eligibility.

Two appearances in the Final Four transformed Butler