There’s no perfect process for hiring great programmers, but there are plenty of terrible ways to screw it up. We’ve rejected the industry stables of grilling candidates in front of a whiteboard or needling them with brain teasers since the start at Basecamp. But you’re not getting around showing real code when applying for a… keep reading

The men with the pinkest jumpsuits in British comedy are back with another series of their outrageously odd sketch show, starting tonight at 9pm on BBC Two.

Part of the Antarctic diary promo for the BBC UK Homepage

Part of the Food for thought promo for the BBC UK Homepage

Video: Merlin Mann - "Time & Attention Talk (improvised)"

Audio (mp3): "Merlin Mann - 'Rutgers Time & Attention Talk'"

This is a talk I did at Rutgers earlier this month. I kinda like it, but for a weird reason. Something something, perfect storm of technology Ragnarok, and yadda yadda, I had to start the talk 20 minutes late with no slides. Nothing.

So, I riffed.

And, I ended up talking about a lot of the new stuff you can expect to see in the Inbox Zero book—work culture, managing expectations, the 3 deadly qualities of email, and one surprising reason email's not as much fun as Project Runway.

Some people liked it. I think. I liked it. I hope you do, too.

Here's the slides I would have shown. ;-)

Many thanks, again, to my great pal, Dr. Donald Schaffner, for bringing me in for this visit. I had a great time and met some fantastic, passionate people. Much appreciated.

update 2010-04-27_13-50-00

Apologies—my friends at Rutgers (inexplicably) have placed this video under lock and key. Fortunately, I have a lock-picker called Firefox. Samizdat video available soon...

update 2010-04-27_14-42-24

Yay, fixed! Many thanks to my hero, Jesse Schibilia.

A couple weeks ago, my pals at Twitter were kind enough to invite me in to visit with their (rapidly growing) team. The topic was meetings, so I used it as an opportunity to publicly premiere a talk I've been presenting to private clients over the past few months.

I hope you'll enjoy, Broken Meetings (and how you'll fix them).

Slides:

Supplementary links and commentary forthcoming, but I wanted to go ahead and post the talk as quickly as the video was available. Special thanks to Michelle, Jeremy, and the crackerjack Twitter crew for a swell afternoon.

I really like this talk and sincerely hope you will find it useful in helping to un-break your own meetings.

In a classic bit from an early Seinfeld, Jerry and Elaine are at the airport, trying to pick up the rental car that Jerry had reserved. As usual, things go poorly and get awkward fast:

Seinfeld - "Reservations"

JERRY: I don't understand...I made a reservation. Do you have my reservation?
AGENT: Yes, we do. Unfortunately, we ran out of cars.
JERRY: But, the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have the reservation.
AGENT: I know why we have reservations.
JERRY: I don't think you do. If you did, I'd have a car. See, you know how to take the reservation--you just don't know how to hold the reservation. And, that's really the most important part of the reservation...the holding. Anybody can just TAKE them. [grabs chaotically at air]

And, how weirdly similar is that to our conflicted relationship with New Year's resolutions?

In Seinfeldspeak?

See, you know how to make the resolution, you just don't know how to keep the resolution. And, that's really the most important part of the resolution...the keeping. Anybody can just MAKE them!

Oversimplified? Probably.

But, ask yourself. Why this? And, why now? Or, why again?

Welcome to Resolvers Anonymous: I'm 'Merlin M.'

A few years ago, I shared a handful of stories on the failures that have led to my own cynicism about the usefulness of life-inverting resolutions. Because, yeah, I've historically been a big resolver.

Here's what I said when I first suggested favoring "Fresh Starts and Modest Changes" over reinventions:

Download MP3 of "Fresh Starts & Modest Changes"

Five years on, I think I probably feel even more strongly about this.

Partly because I've watched and read and heard the cyclical lamentations of folks who decided to use superficial totems (like new calendars) as an ad hoc coach and prime mover. And, partly because, in my capacity as a makebelieve productivity expert, I continue to see how self-defeating it is to pretend that past can ever be less than prologue--that we can each ignore yesterday's weather if we really wish hard enough for a sun-drenched day at the beach.

It simply doesn't work.

Companies that think they'll be Google for buying bagels. Writers who think they'll get published if they order a new pen. Obese people who think they'll become marathon runners if they pick up some new running shoes. And, regular old people with good hearts who continue to confuse new lives with new clothes.

Has this worked before? Can you look back on a proud legacy of successful New Year's resolutions that would suggest you're making serious progress by repeatedly making a list about fundamental life changes while slamming prosecco and wearing a pointy paper hat?

My bet is that most people who are seeing the kind of change and growth and improvement that sticks tend to avoid these sorts of dramatic, geometric attempts to leap blindly toward the mountain of perfection.

I'll go further and say that the repeated compulsion to resolve and resolve and resolve is actually a terrific marker that you're not really ready to change anything in a grownup and sustainable way. You probably just want another magic wand.

Otherwise you'd already be doing the things you've resolved to do. You'd already be living those changes. And, you'd already be seeing actual improvements rather than repeatedly making lists of all the ways you hope your annual hajj to the self-improvement genie will fix you.

Then, of course, we make things way worse by blaming everything on our pancakes.

Regarding "The First Pancake Problem"

Anyone who's ever made America's favorite round and flat breakfast food is familiar with the phenomenon of The First Pancake.

No matter how good a cook you are, and no matter how hard you try, the first pancake of the batch always sucks.

It comes out burnt or undercooked or weirdly shaped or just oddly inedible and aesthetically displeasing. Just ask your kids.

At least compared to your normal pancake--and definitely compared to the far superior second and subsequent pancakes that make the cut and get promoted to the pile destined for the breakfast table--the first one's always a disaster.

I'll leave it to the physicists and foodies in the gallery to develop a unified field theory on exactly why our pancake problem crops up with such unerring dependability. But I will share an orthogonal theory: you will be a way happier and more successful cook if you just accept that your first pancake is and always will be a universally flukey mess.

But, that shouldn't mean you never make another pancake.

So Loud. Then, So Quiet.

I offer all of this because today is January 7th, gang. And, for the past week, all over the web, legions of well-intentioned and seemingly strong-willed humans have been declaring their resolved intention to make this a year of more and better metaphorical pancakes.

And, like clockwork--usually around today or maybe tomorrow--a huge cohort of those cooks will begin to abandon their resolve and go back to thinking all their pancakes have to suck. Just because that first one failed.

And, as is the case every year, online and off, there won't be nearly as many breathless updates to properly bookend how poorly our annual ritual of aspirational change has fared. Which is instructive.

Not because new year's resolutions are a universally bad idea. And, not because Change is Bad. And, not because we should be embarrassed about occasionally falling short of our own (frequently unreasonable) aspirations.

I suspect we tout the resolution, but whisper the failure because we blame the cook. Or, worse, fingers point toward the pancake. Instead of just admitting that the resolution itself was simply unrealistic or fundamentally foreign.

And, that's a shame.

Remember, there's no "I" in "unreasonable"

Granted, I'm merely re-repeating a point I've struggled to make (to both others and myself) for years now. But, it will bear repeating every January in perpetuity.

Resist the urge to pin the fate of things you really care about to anything that's not truly yourself. The "yourself" who has a real life with complicated demands. The "yourself" who's going to face a hard slog trying to fold a new life out of a fresh calendar.

Calendars are just paper and staples. They can't make you care. And they can't help you spin around like Diana Prince, and instantly turn into Wonder Woman. Especially, if you're not already a hot and magical Amazon princess.

First, be reasonable. Don't set yourself up for failure by demanding things that you've never come close to achieving before. I realize this is antithetical to most self-improvement bullshit, but that's exactly the point. If you were already a viking, you wouldn't need to build a big boat. Start with where you are right now. Not with where you wish you'd been.

Also, accept that the first pancake will always suck. Hell, if you've never picked up a spatula before, be cool with the fact that your first hundred pancakes might suck. This is, as I've said, huge. Failure is the sound of beginning to suck a little less.

And, finally, also be clear about the sanity of the motivations underlying your expectations--step back to observe what's truly broken, derive a picture of incremental success that seems do-able, and really resolve to do whatever you can realistically do to actually get better. Rather than "something something I suddenly become all different."

At this point, you have logistical options for both execution and troubleshooting:

• Make a modest plan that you can envision actually doing without upending your real life;
• Build more sturdy scaffolding for sticking with whatever plan you've chosen;
• Make a practice of learning to not mind the duds--including those messed-up first pancakes;
• Or--seriously?--just accept that you never really cared that much about making breakfast in the first place. Care is not optional.

Otherwise, really, you'd never need to resolve to do anything. You'd already just be cooking a lot. Instead of being all mad and depressed about not cooking.

But, please. All I really ask of you. Don't blame the pancake. It's not really the pancake's fault.

Like me, the pancake just wants you to be happy. This and every other new year.

[update 2011-01-18 @ 16:07:40: We're up!]

5by5 Live

Before Christ was a corporal, Dan Benjamin was already a bit of a hero to me.

Since the early aughts–long before his insanely great 5by5.tv podcast network–Dan’s Hivelogic Enkoder was saving us millions of spam messages. His thoughtful tutorials on OS X (including unmissable advice on doing sane installs of MySQL and Rails, among others) are among the best on the web. His CSS has been widely stolen and reused without acknowledgment by thieves as diverse as other people and me. And his polymath posts on everything from Buddhism to The Paleo Diet to how to record a “Double-ender” have shown a charming combination of curiosity and empathy that, amongst numerous other reasons, clearly makes Dan a better human than me.

A propos of nothing, Dan’s also the guy who conducted one of (mp3) the three best interviews with me in which it’s been my good fortune to participate.1

Today, I’m honored to say that Dan and I are starting a thing together.

If it suits you, drop by 5by5.tv/live in about 35 minutes–at Noon Eastern/9am Pacific–to find out what we’re up to. I think it might be good. I’ll just say I’m as excited about this as I’ve been about any new project I’ve started in the past year or so.

Anyway. You can judge for yourself. Whether you can tolerate me or otherwise, definitely do not miss the work Dan’s doing at 5by5. Because it really is outstanding and very polished stuff.

As for our thing? My own goal, to paraphrase a bit from that interview with Dan, is to help you get excited, get better–and then?–Back to Work.

More soon. Thanks.

And...we're up

Back to Work | Ep.#1: Alligator in the Bathroom

Download MP3 of "'Back to Work,' Ep. 1"

In the inaugural episode of Back to Work, Merlin Mann and Dan Benjamin discuss why they’re doing this show, getting back to work instead of buying berets, the lizard brain, and compare the Shadow of the Mouse to San Francisco, and eventually get to some practical tips for removing friction.

It's a start.

Sexy Audio RSS Feed
Sexy Subscription via iTunes

Episode Links

• Welcome to BrettTerpstra.com, home of Brett Terpstra and his nerdery
• carlhuda/janus – GitHub
• practically efficient — technology, workflows, life
• MacSparky – Blog
• The Brooks Review
• And now it’s all this
• Dan Rodney’s List of Mac OS X Keyboard Shortcuts & Keystrokes
• 43f Podcast: John Gruber & Merlin Mann’s Blogging Panel at SxSW | 43 Folders
• waffle software · ThisService
• One Thing Well
• html2text: THE ASCIINATOR (aka html2txt)
• The Conversation #27: Missionless Statements – 5by5

[jump to video]

Long story (not very) short? One night in 2003--after killing it in front of audience of about 30 lucky people in Oakland--The Long Winters needed a place to crash, and my wife and I were happy to oblige. 

So, they drove their Big Stinky Blue Van over the bridge, slept on our floor, and by breakfast the next morning, it'd become clear to me that I'd provided lodging to a man who was not only very likely a member of my karass--he was also one of the smartest bullshit artists I'd ever met. 

Almost eight years later, although I don't see him nearly as much as I'd like, I still count the guy as one of my best pals ever.

That's John Roderick. And, I think you need to know about him.

John doesn't read this site--he's more of a Twitter person--so I don't risk feeding his astounding excess of dignity by saying he's one of the most gifted writers and bon vivants of our generation. He's just the best. In large part because he's congenitally incapable of suffering bullshit.

This was never more apparent than the Saturday morning in 2007 when we sat in my back yard and talked about a lot of stuff. Playing guitar, advertising on the web, the evil work of promoters, and why everyone is always trying to shortchange everyone on copper pipe. 

That talking became a four-part interview I ran on the late and occasionally lamented The Merlin Show, and, to this day, it's one of my favorite things I've been lucky enough to post to the web.

So, y'know how I'm definitely "not for everyone?" Well, John is really "not for everyone."

He's opinionated and arrogant and undiplomatic and unironically loves Judas Priest--meaning everyone will find at least one thing not to like about him. Despite being hairy and enjoying laying on your bed, John is not exactly a teddy bear. 

But, John's also right a lot. And, he never sands off the edges of his personality or opinions to make you theoretically "like" him. Which, it will come as no surprise to you, is a big reason I love the guy more than a free prime rib dinner. 

So, why the jizzfest about that awful jerk, John Roderick?

Because, as I noted the other day on the Twitter, in our first episode of Back to Work I misattributed a line that should have been credited to John. Which in itself is unimportant, except inasmuch as finding that link to correct the error got me watching our 50-some minutes of chatting again. I also received some at-responses and emails that reminded me how much people enjoyed our chat. 

But, really it made me realize how much that rambling morning in my back yard still resonates so much with stuff I care a lot about. Independence. Agency. Directness. And, never apologizing for wanting to get paid. Also, guitars and talkative hippies.

So, anyway. John. 

I edited all four parts of the video into one big (streamable/downloadable) movie that should make it way easier to watch at a sitting. Should that interest you. Which it may not. Which, as ever, is totally fine, and kind of the point.

But. If you like Dan and my new show (and, seriously—God bless you magnificent bastards who helped briefly make B2W the most popular podcast in the world [gulp]), I think you'll really like this interview a lot too. I hope so, anyway.

Thus, submitted for your disapproval, permit me to present my four-year-old visit with the acerbic, opinionated, and reportedly unlikeable bullshit artist whom I respect and adore more than just about anybody. 

Meet Hotrod.

• Vimeo Page
• Direct Download Link (589 mb, requires login)

MPU 046: Workflows with Merlin Mann II « Mac Power Users

• Download MP3
• Huffduff It

I have the life that I have because I've made a lot of weird decisions, and they've worked out well.

Not gonna lie to you. I'm a huge nerd. Surprised?

Yep. I can recite big chunks of The Big Lebowski from memory. I can argue for an hour on the merits of Dick York over Dick Sargent. And, I can—and frequently do—catch myself thinking Catwoman, Batgirl, Princess Leia, and Emma Peel should have a light-hearted pillow fight that ends with an hour of genial french-kissing.

Pretty much like you, probably. I dunno, maybe your version includes Kitty Pryde. Po-tay-to/Po-taht-o, right?

Perhaps most saliently, by virtue of having spent a solid 2,399 days as a Fake Productivity Guru, I have been provided with an unquestionably Janusian monkey's paw of a gift; I now know a lot about workflows. Nerdy, nerdy workflows.

I can tell you a few things that almost always work, I can tell you a handful of things that almost never work, and—best or worst of all—I can tell you thousands of things that might work. Sometimes. Maybe. Kinda. For some people. For now.

And, at the risk of gay-marrying my arrogance to my hypocrisy, I can tell you that I also know enough about the unholy diarrhea of potential options for Theoretical Productivity to share two big patterns:

1. Getting your workflow right matters.
2. Getting your workflow right to the exclusion of the actual work is a fool's game.

But. Managing to get the most useful and most elegant and least fiddly mix of 1 and 2 right is super-hard. Especially for nerds. Especially for me.

So, as I type this today, I believe there can be no greater testament to these claims—or, at least, no greater place to test the veracity of these claims for yourself—than in this TWO AND A HALF HOUR-long interview for Mac Power Users.

It is reeeeeeeeally nerdy. Almost intolerably nerdy. Just…overwhelmingly nerdy.

But, man, is it ever really good, and really fat with the most insanely granular details of How I Work.

Lo, even these 928.5 days after officially retiring from productivity pr0n, my desire to not "vend stroke material for your joyless addiction to puns about procrastination and systems for generating more taxonomically satisfying meta-work" is tempered by a (widely under-reported) practical streak.

Yes: I continue to despise empty advice about rearranging deck chairs on The Titanic. But, yes: I do also still very much enjoy talking about how all the tips and tricks can or can't work in the context of work you care about. That matters. It really does.

So. Here goes. A one hundred and forty six minute-long, Joyce-ian amble through the Big Stuff and the Little Stuff. David and Katie were very patient.

How I name text files. Why I break iOS apps. Why I love the letter "x." Why I won't row out to islands any more. How a 115,000 word book manuscript is "like a house full of confederate money." How "The Cloud" broke in New Zealand. How I use MultiMarkdown, Scrivener, TextExpander, OmniFocus, TextMate, Notational Velocity, Dropbox, and an explosive combination of Elements, Notesy, Nebulous, Simplenote, CF Outliner, iThoughts, Instacast, Good Reader, and wow wow wow.

How I try not to fiddle—how I sometimes succeed and often don't. But, how I try.

Anyhow. There you go. A perfectly nerdy bookend to last year's first Magnum Opus MPU interview on these same topics, Mac Power Users Episode 46 is just insanely nerdy. And, what have you.

I hope you like it. I hope it's useful. I hope you don't use it to replace real work.

And, as ever, I really hope Batgirl starts having more sexy pillow fights.

Enjoy. And, God save you.

MPU 046: Workflows with Merlin Mann II « Mac Power Users

• Download MP3
• Huffduff It

1.

Nothing wrecks your living room decor quite like a giant, rented hospital bed.

The one my Dad laid in for a couple months in the fall of 1974 was an alarmingly stiff and sturdy affair, the frame of which was forged of impossibly heavy iron, with half a dozen jaggy coats of putty-flesh latex paint doing a shit job of concealing the dings and dents kissed by dozens of clutches of burly rental guys trying to navigate unaccommodating residential doors.

Jammed cattywampus between a teddy-bear brown sectional, an antiqued rococo credenza, and what had until recently been my Father's favorite armchair, the hospital bed left little room for easy socializing, let alone aesthetic speculation. This was a living room where a very ill person would mostly die soon.

The hospital bed's defining feature was the theoretical ease with which the human trunk slumped in its top half could be raised or lowered by turning a shitty little crank at the foot of its lower half. Like the bed itself, the shitty little crank was ugly and obtrusive and hard to live with. Mom and I tripped over the crank a lot.

The theoretically useful but ultimately shitty little crank made the hospital bed look like those old-timey cars we'd see in the bad silent movies they showed down at Shakey's Pizza.

Mom and Dad despised the saltines-and-ketchup style of pizza served at Shakey's. To them, LaRosa's over on Cheviot had way better pizza plus a pretty good jukebox. But, I really liked Shakey's. They gave away cool styrofoam boater hats with a red paper band that said, "Shakey's Pizza Parlor." Which I thought looked smashing. So, they used to take me to Shakey's.

In practice, the hospital bed's shitty little crank functioned mostly as a recalcitrant and pinch-inducing mechanism for eroding my father's dignity.

Dad would lay in the hospital bed that filled our living room while my Mom slowly cranked. He'd try to make jokes. (Dad had always been the funniest person any of his friends knew.) The hospital bed creaked. Mom cranked. Dad's tired upper half would haltingly rise and bob with reluctant help from the bed's upper half. Mom sweated at the crank. Dad laid there and watched. Dad couldn't help. He watched. He was in the hospital bed. Mom did all the cranking. Dad watched. He watched while his wife turned a shitty little iron crank, trying impotently to make her best friend just a tiny bit more comfortable as his body worked to finally finish eating itself. But, he couldn't help out. I think he wanted to help out. But, he couldn't help out.

She couldn't really help my Dad. My Dad couldn't really help her. But they sure tried.

She cranked and cranked.

I was seven. I didn't know how to help anyone.

2.

The last time I saw my Dad, he was in a different hospital bed. That one was a much more functional and aesthetically appropriate unit neatly fitted into an overlit semi-private room in the highly-regarded Jewish Hospital located on E. Galbraith Road. We weren't Jewish. We were just sick.

Frankly, I forget what the crank on the second hospital bed looked like, but I seem to recall that it worked just fine.

This was maybe a week before my Dad died.

From what I can gather, he and my Mom had wanted to time things so that I could be with him as long and as late as possible--but not so late that I'd have to see him in the kind of condition I have to assume he was in during the full week he was too ill for his boy to visit him. Pretty bad condition, I'm guessing.

In the almost forty years since Dad's last week in any hospital bed, my Mom and I haven't talked much about it. If there are things to say about that week, I'm not sure even forty years is long enough to prep for them. I know I'm still not ready. I should ask my Mom if she's ready. She was forty then. Just under half her life ago.

What I do know is my Mom lived by that second hospital bed most every minute of Dad's last week. Just like she'd been by the first hospital bed in her living room for the months before. Only now she was the one sleeping on the wrong bed. There are limits to the physical comforts you can offer a woman who's determined to stay by her husband's second hospital bed until it's time.

But she was there that whole time. Up to the last time my sweet Dad ever said anything to anyone.

As he laid in that second hospital bed, I'm told that the last thing my Dad said to anyone was something he said to my Mom. He told my Mom:

Take care of The Big Guy.

That was me. I was "The Big Guy." My Dad always called me "Big Guy," and I always loved when he said that. It made me feel strong. It made me feel tall. It made me know that my Dad and I were best pals.

I still love knowing I was my Dad's best pal.

3.

I don't specifically remember the day our particular clutch of burly rental guys came out to remove the first hospital bed from our living room. I do remember thinking it was weird how quickly the space filled with huge floral arrangements, covered dishes and casseroles, and a pack of outdoorsy men with giant red hands who were new to sobbing inconsolably in front of each other.

But, that hospital bed had been heavy. Really heavy. And even though the bed's wheels had been thoughtfully nested in plastic casters, the raw tonnage of the iron motherfucker left permanent dents in our ugly, broccoli-green carpeting. Six breadplate-sized dents that were still there a year and a half later on the day my Mom and I moved out.

We didn't need a house that big for just the two of us. Plus, the living room wasn't much fun to hang out in any more.

Way too big. Way too big.

4.

I don't currently have a hospital bed. I have a modest but very comfortable regular bed in a regular bedroom where I sleep with my regular wife. She's my favorite part of the bed.

To my knowledge, our modest but very comfortable bed is not fitted with a shitty little crank. Which is nice for everyone.

And, every single morning at almost exactly 6:00 AM Pacific Time, my three-year-old daughter wakes up, jumps out of her crank-free, regular, big-girl bed, tears out of her regular bedroom, and--even before she gets her hot milk or takes off her pull-up or tells us to turn on Toy Story 2--she dashes into our regular bedroom, runs up to our regular non-hospital bed, and screams, "DAD-dy! DAD-dy! DAD-dy!" until I wake up and say, "G'mornin', Sweet Bug! Did you have nice sleeps?"

Sometimes she tells me whether or not she had nice sleeps. Often as not lately, she tells me to make her hot milk and turn on Toy Story 2. Both of which I'm totally fine with.

Thing is, she screams "DAD-dy!" like the most impossibly great thing in the world has just happened. Every single morning. Right by my bed. Without a crank in sight.

And, you know what? Something impossibly great has happened.

Because an annoying, rambling, disagreeable little man like me gets to have this alarm clock in piggy-patterned footie jammies run up to a regular, crank-less, healthy-Dad, non-hospital bed and make him feel like he's The Greatest Thing in the Universe.

Just like I think she's The Greatest Thing in the Universe.

Just like I thought my Dad was The Greatest Thing in the Universe.

And, although I'm confident that I will always think my daughter is The Greatest Thing in the Universe, I'm also all too aware that this feeling will not always be reciprocated in quite that same way or with quite that same enthusiasm that we both enjoy right now.

She won't always run to my bed in footie jammies.

I'll only get that particularly noisy and personalized wake-up call for a little while. And, I only get a shot at it once a day. At almost exactly 6:00 AM Pacific Time.

Then one day? I won't get it any more. It will be gone.

5.

Many mornings over the past six months or so, at almost exactly 6:00 AM Pacific Time, I was not in my regular bed. I was not even at home. I was sitting in another building, typing bullshit that I hoped would please my book editor. Who, by the way, is awesome.

And, if I noticed what time it was, I'd always wonder whether my daughter had run into our bedroom yet.

I'd wonder whether she had seen my side of the bed empty again. And, when I thought about my empty spot on the bed and how disappointed she'd be to scream "DAD-dy! DAD-dy! DAD-dy!" then see I'm not even there, I'd die a little.

I'd die a little, because as I thought about her, I'd think about my Dad. And as I thought about my Dad, I'd start thinking about hospital beds with cranks--then on to dents, and covered dishes, and rooms full of sobbing outdoorsy guys, and so on.

But, by then it might be 6:10 am Pacific Time. And I didn't have time to think about my family. Not now, right? No, I had to keep working. I had to stay in that other building and keep typing bullshit that I hoped would please my editor. Who is awesome.

So, I'd type and type. I'd crank and crank. I'd try and try. I'd want very much to go home, make hot milk, and watch Toy Story 2. So much, I'd want this.

6.

Anyhow, this has been my on-and-off job for the past two years. I type. And, I try to type things that will help and comfort people, but mostly I try to type things that will please my editor. Who is awesome.

Sometimes I do my job at 6:00 AM Pacific Time. Sometimes I do my job at 5:30 PM or 11:30 AM or really any time in between. Sometimes I do my job while my family goes to birthday parties and holiday dinners and a couple vacations and I don't even know how many (non-Shakey's) pizza nights--all without me. Without Dad.

In fact, a depressing amount of the time--really up until this week--I would do my job until I hadn't the slightest idea what time it was or what bullshit I was typing or what my crank was ever meant to be attached to in the first place.

But, even when my shitty little crank was not attached to anything, I did keep cranking. Because, Dads do their job. It's what they do.

They crank. They crank and crank and crank and crank.

Sometimes the cranking made something special that will be really useful to people who badly need the comfort and help. But, a staggering amount of the time, my cranking has produced joyless and unemotional bullshit that couldn't comfort, help, or please anyone. Especially my editor. Who is awesome. There's no point in doing anything if it doesn't eventually please my editor. Who is awesome.

This has constantly hung over my head. For two fucking years.

But, this has been my job. It's a job I often did late. It's a job I often did poorly. And, it's a job where I often didn't pull my load or live up to even my own expectations and standards. Which is far from my editor's fault.

She's been awesome.

7.

Anyhow, I've tried to do my job. But, I've often failed.

I've sometimes failed to make things that will help and comfort people. And, God knows I've failed to please my editor.

And, worst of all, more often than my heart can bear at 2:34 pm Pacific Time on Friday April 22nd, I know I've failed to be home for several of my daily shot at "DAD-dy! DAD-dy! DAD-dy!"

It's now become unavoidably clear to me that I've been doing each of these things poorly. The job, the making, the pleasing, and, yeah, the being at home. And I can't live with that for another day. So, I've chosen which one has to go. At least in the way it's worked to date. Which is to say not working.

I'll let you guess which.

Because, that? That choosing? That's what my book needs to be about. Not about pleasing people. Not about cranking on bullshit. Not about abandoning your priorities to write about priorities.

My book needs to be about choosing a hard thing and then living with it. Because it's your thing.

But, that part's gone missing for just a little too long now. Certainly not missing from my handsome and very practical rhetoric--it's been missing from my actual life and living. In a quest to make something that has increasingly not felt like my own, I've unintentionally ignored my own counsel to never let your hard work fuck up the good things. Including those regular people. Including, ironically, the real work. Including any good thing the crank is supposed to be attached to.

So, I'm done fucking that up. I'm done cranking. And, I'm ready to make a change.

I'm not sure precisely what that change will look like, but, at the risk of invoking Godwin's Law, I have a pretty good idea that this particular performance of "Edelweiss" you're enjoying right now may immediately be followed by a dramatic chase, a hopeful escape attempt, and only if I'm extremely lucky, maybe an eventual stride over the Alps.

As I'll explain in a minute, it most likely means I don't have My Book Contract any more.

Who knows? We'll have to see.

8.

All I know is tonight's Friday. And, that's Daddy-Daughter Night.

And, my book agent says my editor (who is awesome) will probably cancel My Book Contract if I don't send her something that pleases her…today. Now. By tonight. Theoretically, I guess...uh...this.

See: my agent very helpfully suggested I send my editor a chapter full of "email stuff." My editor really likes "email stuff." And, it was theorized by my agent that sending this "email stuff" might please my book editor just enough that she might not cancel My Book Contract. For now.

Well. If you've made it this far, you, like my editor (who is awesome), will have realized that this is not a chapter of "email stuff."

It's a very long, wooly, histrionic, messy and uncomfortable story about hospital beds, piggy jammies, and styrofoam hats. I seriously doubt it will please my editor. Who is awesome.

So, no, I really hope she doesn't cancel My Book Contract. But, it does occur to me that said contract is the last and only thing my publisher has to intimidate me into doing things I don't want to do. Things I think will harm my book, my integrity, and my life.

Once that threat is made good, the game ends. They can sue me and yell and stuff. Which would suck, but at least no one would be demanding my book have fucking pussy willows on the cover. Which, as I sit here, feels more and more unbearable to me.

In any case, I don't control anything that anyone does. It took a long time for me to really get that.

It's such a funny thing. Threats--like hurricanes and rectal exams--are only scary until they arrive. Once they're over, they're just the basis for funny stories. But, you do nearly always survive them. And, if you didn't survive? It wasn't because of a lack of fear. Like I say, the universe doesn't particularly care whether you're scared.

Oh, well. I like my editor. She's awesome. I hope she doesn't cancel My Book Contract. I hope we keep working together.

But if it goes away today, tomorrow or further on? Well. As a favorite novelist of mine used to say: "So it goes."

I'll figure this out tomorrow. Or Monday. Or later. Tonight is Daddy-Daughter Night. And, no fucking way am I missing two in a row.

9.

Now, as far as My Goddamned Book? Truthfully? Wanna hear the really complicated part?

This is not me quitting the book. No fucking way. This is me doubling down on the book--on my book.

I will finish my book very soon. Not because of (or in spite of) any contract, and not because of (or in spite of) any editor, and certainly not because of (or in spite of) any tacit demand for empty cranking.

I will finish my book because I want to finish it. Because it is very, very important to me to finish it.

But, again, let's be clear-- what I finish will be my book. And, it will be done my way. And, yes--you Back to Work fans knew this one was coming--my book will have my cover that I choose. It will not have fucking pussy willows or desert islands or third-rate kerning. It will be, to quote my editor (who is awesome), "messy."

My book will help and comfort the people that I want to reach. And, yes, much like my editor, my book will be awesome.

I truly hope my book pleases her.

10.

So, there you have it. An article that's clearly not a chapter of "email stuff."

Me? I'm off to prep for "Daddy-Daughter Night."

And, tomorrow morning, unlike last Saturday morning and countless other days before it, at the crack of 6:00 am Pacific Time, I will be available in my regular crankless bed to ask my daughter whether she had nice sleeps. And I will tell her and my regular wife that I think they're the Greatest Things in the Universe.

And, maybe after I make hot milk and watch Woody worry about cowboy camp, I may even think to myself about how proud my funny Dad would be of his pal, The Big Guy. For doing what needed to be done. To be someone special's Dad for as often and as long as he can. Just like he did. Even when it gets hard.

Even when it gets really hard.

Thanks for listening, nerds. You'll hear more when I hear more.

The DML News App offers the best in news reporting.

The post BREAKING: Founding Father of Rock Who Broke Musical Barriers, Dead at 87 appeared first on Dennis Michael Lynch.

The DML News App offers the best in news reporting.

The post BREAKING: FDA issues emergency authorization for first coronavirus antigen test appeared first on Dennis Michael Lynch.

School bus drivers in the Upper Grand District School Board are transporting school work instead of students.

A woman in her 90s living at the Bradford Valley Care Community is the latest coronavirus victim in the region.

The Shelburne Retirement Residence has been devastated by an outbreak of COVID-19, with 90 per cent of its residents becoming infected.

The province is investing $1.5 million to support a housing project in Muskoka to help people with no place to call home.

An eight-year-old boy with good intentions sparked a missing person search on Tuesday.

An "appalling prank" in Innisfil sent South Simcoe Police officers on a mission to identify the culprits involved.

Church bells rang out across the city of Barrie on Friday morning to commemorate the anniversary of the Victory in Europe Day on Friday.

Grey Bruce provincial police say the OPP canine unit found human remains in Meaford, and one person is under arrest.

Nurses, PSWs, and front-line workers in long-term care and retirement homes have been dealing with the full reality of this pandemic every day.

The calendar may say May, but that didn't stop Mother Nature from blasting some wintry weather in Muskoka on Friday.

Police officers responding to a call about a man with a machete in Oppenheimer Park Friday afternoon found what they were looking for, and then some.

As British Columbians digest the implications in the steps the premier announced in reopening the province's economy, some residents have come to the conclusion they’re too much too soon.

With the eviction date looming for campers to leave Oppenheimer Park, B.C.'s social development minister says everyone is still expected to be out of the park by Saturday.

Labour laws haven’t changed in our province, but legal experts are already urging B.C. employers to be flexible and reasonable — while warning employees they may not be legally protected if they refuse work during the pandemic.

Landlords who are missing thousands of dollars in rent or who find their properties damaged or strewn with garbage are concerned some tenants are taking advantage of the eviction ban put in place during the pandemic.

Restaurants have been struggling to stay afloat since the pandemic hit, but there has been a silver lining: relaxed liquor laws mean customers can get their booze delivered along with their meals.

The following article, Photos Of Kim Jong Un Spark Conspiracy Theories About A Body Double…You Be The Judge, was first published on 100PercentFedUp.com.

For several weeks rumors of the North Korean dictator’s sickness and ultimately, his death, have been making their rounds in the media. North Korea’s state-run media released photos of  Kim Jong Un that were allegedly taken on May 1, at the opening of a fertilizer factory in Sunchon, N. Korea. Twitter users who’ve studied the images are […]

Continue reading: Photos Of Kim Jong Un Spark Conspiracy Theories About A Body Double…You Be The Judge ...

The following article, MI Barber Shop Owner Defies Gov. Whitmer Shutdown Order…Opens Business…Police Officer Walks In…Says, “I love you!”…Walks Out, was first published on 100PercentFedUp.com.

Last week, we reported about how Shelley Luther, owner of the Salon Á La Mode in North Dallas, Texas, who opened up her business in defiance of lockdown orders in the city. The salon owner said that she was ignoring a citation and a cease and desist order from the city to shut down. This one […]

Continue reading: MI Barber Shop Owner Defies Gov. Whitmer Shutdown Order…Opens Business…Police Officer Walks In…Says, “I love you!”…Walks Out ...

The following article, Donald Trump Jr. Offers To Walk Bride-to-Be Down The Aisle After Liberal Parents Refuse To Attend Her Wedding Because Fiance Is A Conservative, was first published on 100PercentFedUp.com.

TDS or Trump Derangement Syndrome brings out the worst in a lot of people. One young Texan girl’s story of her intolerant parents who refuse to attend her wedding because she’s marrying a conservative, however, is a new low. Lawyer and conservative civil rights activist, Rogan O’Handley tweeted a Tik Tok video of a Texan […]

Continue reading: Donald Trump Jr. Offers To Walk Bride-to-Be Down The Aisle After Liberal Parents Refuse To Attend Her Wedding Because Fiance Is A Conservative ...

The following article, Univ of Pittsburg Researcher, China Native, Dr. Bing Liu, “On the verge” of COVID19 Breakthrough Is Murdered…Alleged Gunman, Hao Gu, Kills Himself, was first published on 100PercentFedUp.com.

A 37-year-old China native and "outstanding researcher" at the University of Pittsburgh...

Continue reading: Univ of Pittsburg Researcher, China Native, Dr. Bing Liu, “On the verge” of COVID19 Breakthrough Is Murdered…Alleged Gunman, Hao Gu, Kills Himself ...

The following article, BREAKING: CBS News Allegedly Staged Fake COVID19 Testing In MI…Makes Dem Gov Whitmer Look Like She’s Doing More To Help Citizens Than Fed Government [VIDEO], was first published on 100PercentFedUp.com.

Project Veritas founder James O’Keefe has done it again. He’s uncovered yet another deceitful piece of coverage on the Wuhan coronavirus pandemic in America by CBS News. O’Keefe begins his interview with a man whose identity is being hidden, “You’re telling me—you’re 100% certain, that CBS News, CBS News Corporation national—staged a fake event. They […]

Continue reading: BREAKING: CBS News Allegedly Staged Fake COVID19 Testing In MI…Makes Dem Gov Whitmer Look Like She’s Doing More To Help Citizens Than Fed Government [VIDEO] ...

The following article, BREAKING: Sen Marsha Blackburn Introduces Stop COVID Act…Allowing US Citizens To Sue Communist China For Damage They’ve Inflicted On Our Nation, was first published on 100PercentFedUp.com.

Yesterday, Senator Marsha Blackburn (R-TN), along with Senator Martha McSally (R-AZ) introduced the Stop COVID Act, giving Americans the ability to sue Communist China for the damage they’ve inflicted on our nation. Senator Blackburn appeared on Fox News with host Judge Jeanine where she explained the act to Jeanine Pirro. Blackburn told the Fox News […]

Continue reading: BREAKING: Sen Marsha Blackburn Introduces Stop COVID Act…Allowing US Citizens To Sue Communist China For Damage They’ve Inflicted On Our Nation ...

The following article, BREAKING: 43-Yr-Old Father Of 9, Dollar Store Sec Guard, Shot DEAD While Allegedly Trying To Enforce MI Gov Whitmer’s Face Covering Exec Order, was first published on 100PercentFedUp.com.

Will the mainstream media report about the senseless death of a 43-year-old father of nine, who would have been alive today if it were not for VP wannabe, Gretchen Whitmer's executive order that forced him to respond to a customer not wearing a face mask? 

Continue reading: BREAKING: 43-Yr-Old Father Of 9, Dollar Store Sec Guard, Shot DEAD While Allegedly Trying To Enforce MI Gov Whitmer’s Face Covering Exec Order ...

The following article, 77-Yr-Old MI Barber Defies Gov Whitmer’s Shutdown Order: ”I don’t need another mother” Shop Will Stay Open Until “Jesus walks in or until they arrest me” [VIDEO], was first published on 100PercentFedUp.com.

Emergency orders that “non-essential businesses” remain closed during the Covid-19 crisis have devastated small business owners across America. A wave of business owners across the nation are defying executive orders by their governors and opening their businesses anyhow. Yesterday, we reported about a small business owner in the state of Michigan, where Governor Gretchen Whitmer […]

Continue reading: 77-Yr-Old MI Barber Defies Gov Whitmer’s Shutdown Order: ”I don’t need another mother” Shop Will Stay Open Until “Jesus walks in or until they arrest me” [VIDEO] ...

The following article, BREAKING: MI Lawmakers File Lawsuit Challenging Governor’s “Improper” and “Invalid” Emergency Orders: “We’ve attempted to partner with our governor, but she’s rejected”, was first published on 100PercentFedUp.com.

In addition to crushing Michigan's economy, the governor's reckless, one-size-fits-all executive orders are harming an untold number of Michigan citizens.

Continue reading: BREAKING: MI Lawmakers File Lawsuit Challenging Governor’s “Improper” and “Invalid” Emergency Orders: “We’ve attempted to partner with our governor, but she’s rejected” ...

The following article, NY Shame: Workers Who Tested Positive For COVID-19 Were Allowed To Remain On The Job At Nursing Homes, As Death Toll For Nursing Home Patients Exceeds 3,000, was first published on 100PercentFedUp.com.

The coronavirus crisis at New York’s nursing homes is even worse than previously thought. Monday night, the state Department of Health issued new data, adding more than 1,600 people who were presumed to have died of the virus in nursing homes, but did not have a confirmed diagnosis, to the official toll. As of May […]

Continue reading: NY Shame: Workers Who Tested Positive For COVID-19 Were Allowed To Remain On The Job At Nursing Homes, As Death Toll For Nursing Home Patients Exceeds 3,000 ...

The following article, Breaking: Texas AG Calls for Immediate Release of Salon Owner Jailed for Opening…Texas Lt Gov Offers to Pay Salon Owner’s $7k Fine, was first published on 100PercentFedUp.com.

Salon A La Mode owner Shelley Luther opened her salon in defiance of the lockdown order for salons to stay closed during the coronavirus crisis. She boldly ripped. up the citation she was given by the police and refused to shut her doors. Luther hired a lawyer and went to court where an activist judge […]

Continue reading: Breaking: Texas AG Calls for Immediate Release of Salon Owner Jailed for Opening…Texas Lt Gov Offers to Pay Salon Owner’s $7k Fine ...

The following article, Chicago Inmate Switches Identities While Wearing Mask…Is Released from Jail, was first published on 100PercentFedUp.com.

A Cook County, Chicago inmate, was able to switch identities with another inmate allowing the wrong inmate to be released. How did they carry that off without anyone catching them? The inmate was wearing a mask when he was released, so it wasn’t as easy to identify him. Last Saturday, Quintin Henderson (pictured below), 28, […]

Continue reading: Chicago Inmate Switches Identities While Wearing Mask…Is Released from Jail ...

The following article, MSNBC’s Brian Williams Chuckles With Dem Strategist as He Gloats, Mocks Trump About Tragic Downturn in Economy: “They were going to lose before this hit. They’re just going to lose worse now”, was first published on 100PercentFedUp.com.

James Carville spoke out before the coronavirus crisis to say that there is no way  Joe Biden has a chance at beating President Trump in the 2020 election. Well, He’s singing a different tune now at the expense of Americans suffering through this horrible pandemic and economic crisis. James Carvill is a Democratic strategist who […]

Continue reading: MSNBC’s Brian Williams Chuckles With Dem Strategist as He Gloats, Mocks Trump About Tragic Downturn in Economy: “They were going to lose before this hit. They’re just going to lose worse now” ...

The following article, Video Scrubbed of Obama-Biden Ambassador To China Praising Their Response to Coronavirus: “I take my hat off to China”, was first published on 100PercentFedUp.com.

During a recent interview on CNN, Obama-Biden ambassador to China (2014-2017) Max Baucus compared standing up to China on the coronavirus to “Hitler in the ’30s.” Baucus has proven himself to be sympathetic to China in recent interviews, where he puts down America and praises the Chinese. The MSNBC video via The Washington Free Beacon […]

Continue reading: Video Scrubbed of Obama-Biden Ambassador To China Praising Their Response to Coronavirus: “I take my hat off to China” ...

The following article, Breaking: Justice Department Dropping Michael Flynn Criminal Case, was first published on 100PercentFedUp.com.

Michael Flynn has finally been exonerated. The Associated Press is reporting exclusively that the Justice Department said it is dropping the criminal case against President Trump’s first national security adviser, Michael Flynn. In court documents being filed Thursday, the Justice Department said it is dropping the case “after a considered review of all the facts […]

Continue reading: Breaking: Justice Department Dropping Michael Flynn Criminal Case ...

The following article, BREAKING: Michigan’s Radical Governor Extends Lockdown AGAIN…Only One Day After Church Leaders and MI Lawmakers File Suit Against Her, was first published on 100PercentFedUp.com.

Michigan was the first state to see protests against draconian lockdown measures by an overreaching governor. On April 15, the Michigan Conservative Coalition organized an in-vehicle protest in Lansing, MI that drew an estimated 15,000 vehicles. Since that time, several protests by Michigan workers who are being devastated by the one-size-fits-all shut down of the […]

Continue reading: BREAKING: Michigan’s Radical Governor Extends Lockdown AGAIN…Only One Day After Church Leaders and MI Lawmakers File Suit Against Her ...

The following article, Mother of the Year, Michelle Obama Explains How Having Kids Was A “Concession”… Had To Give Up Her “Aspirations and Dreams” [VIDEO], was first published on 100PercentFedUp.com.

While campaigning for her community organizer turned presidential candidate husband, Barack, Michelle Obama told a crowd of his supporters in Milwaukee, Wisconsin that for the first time in her life, she was proud to be an American. Four years later, Michelle Obama was a keynote speaker at the DNC convention, where she told Democrats how […]

Continue reading: Mother of the Year, Michelle Obama Explains How Having Kids Was A “Concession”… Had To Give Up Her “Aspirations and Dreams” [VIDEO] ...

The following article, Woman Shoots Three Teenage McDonald’s Workers For Telling Her She Couldn’t Eat In Dining Room Over COVID19 Restrictions, was first published on 100PercentFedUp.com.

An angry Oklahoma woman shot at a group of teenagers working at a local McDonald’s after they explained to her that the dining room was closed due to coronavirus restrictions. 32-year-old Gloricia Woody was arrested by the Oklahoma City Police and charged with the shooting. From the Oklahoma City Police -Last night, officers were called […]

Continue reading: Woman Shoots Three Teenage McDonald’s Workers For Telling Her She Couldn’t Eat In Dining Room Over COVID19 Restrictions ...

The following article, BREAKING: Ex-Cop Father and Son Arrested and Charged With Murder of Black Man Jogging In Neighborhood…President Trump Responds [VIDEO], was first published on 100PercentFedUp.com.

The Georgia Bureau of Investigations has arrested a father and son duo, 64-year-old ex-cop, Gregory McMichael, and his son, 34-year-old Travis McMichael for the February murder of  24-year-old Ahmaud Arbery, a black man who was jogging through their neighborhood when they jumped in their truck and pursued him. Yashar Ali shared the news of the […]

Continue reading: BREAKING: Ex-Cop Father and Son Arrested and Charged With Murder of Black Man Jogging In Neighborhood…President Trump Responds [VIDEO] ...

The following article, BREAKING: New Docs Prove Obama Knew Details Of Flynn Wiretapping…Newly Surfaced Video Shows Obama Explaining How He Stays Out Of FBI Investigations, was first published on 100PercentFedUp.com.

Barack Obama knew. Documents released yesterday that were used to exonerate President Trump’s new NSA General Flynn, prove that President Barack Obama was aware of the details of Michael Flynn’s intercepted phone calls on December 16 with then-Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak. On January 5, 2017, then-Deputy Attorney General, Sally Yates attended an Oval Office meeting […]

Continue reading: BREAKING: New Docs Prove Obama Knew Details Of Flynn Wiretapping…Newly Surfaced Video Shows Obama Explaining How He Stays Out Of FBI Investigations ...