When asking for a pledge, the fundraiser has many informational advantages over the donor. Simply asking for the proper amount ensures that a donor will consider giving at the level you request. Starting out with a sufficiently high donation request amount allows you to find your donors preferred level of giving as rather than targeting the amount which is the lowest possible amount that a donor can possibly give to your campaign.


If a donor could give more to their charity, they probably would. When donors who maintain a strict charitable budget and give a fixed amount annually hear requests for support that are above the amount which they are willing to give, they let fundraisers know just how much they are willing to give and when they intend to give it. In the rare event that a donor is offended by large or additional requests, a skilled fundraiser can apologize for the offense and leave the donor feeling good about the level of support which they do give.


There is no downside to “asking high”.




Becoming a better fundraiser is a continuing process. There is always more to learn and more skills to master.

The conclusion to this article will be posted here in the coming days.

Part of connecting with donors is tailoring your ask to the specific donor with whom you are speaking. Specific donor asks take many factors into account, but the most obvious ways of making a donor specific ask remain the same regardless of who
You are speaking with.

Some things to take into account are:

• Sex.

The differences between male and female donors has been extensively covered here. Suffice it to say that exceptional fundraisers will attempt to master these differences and make them a part of their fundraising asks.

• Age. Quite simply donors interest in an issue varies by age and experience level. Tailoring your ask to the interests of your donors age group ensures that at least your donor will listen.

• Interest Level

This subject has also been touched on in other posts. Some donors are more receptive than others. When soliciting telephone philanthropy, there is no need to to engage in a long, drawn out donation request if the donor has already indicated a deep interest. Additionally, it is unwise to attempt to ignore the negative signs given by donor expresses reluctance.

There are an endless number of potentially successful strategies to employ when making your donor ask. The keys to successful telephone fundraising are creativity and responsiveness.

 An increasing number of charities and nonprofit groups are electing to solicit donations through Telefundraising campaigns. Despite having different goals and needs, disparate organizations find that Telefundraising is an effective use of resources . For many groups, the option of telefundraisng makes sense.
For large groups with vast amounts of members, telephone fundraising provides an effective means of outreach.  Charities withsignificant fundraising budgets see impressive returns from telephone fundraising efforts. Large organizations are results oriented, this is why they continue to support Telefundraising campaigns.

Small non-profits use telephone fundraising efforts as ameans to gain support for little upfront investment.While wide-scale print and media campaigns are often beyond the reach of small organizations, phonecampaigns can be executed in an extremely cost effective manner. Adjustments to telephone campaigns are virtually instantaneous, while other types of fundraising efforts need much more planning to alter.
Organizations of any size can quickly realize significant benefits from telephone campaigns. The relative low cost of phone fundraising campaigns is an attractive feature, regardless of organizational size. Paired with simple initial equipment requirements, this makes raising money by phone an easy choice for most non-profits.


Raising money is not the only goal of telephone solicitation campaigns. Contacts that end without a donation can still prove to be useful. Basing success on donations alone, overlooks other possible benefits to an organization.
Receiving a call from an organization helps to personalize the charity to its donors. Phone calls keep organizations on the minds of their supporters. These calls provide donors with the latest information on the cause they support. Well informed donors provide more frequent support.
Donation calls properly made, can be an important source of feedback for an organization as well. Donors use telefundraisng contacts as an opportunity to sound-off about their feelings about an organization.  Organizations can take these valuable insights, and use them to tweak their efforts.
Solicitation calls can provide much more than donations alone. Fully grasping this truth greatly improves campaign results.Positive campaign results are limited only by the imaginations of the organizations which run them.


Calling campaigns are always an effective solicitation method. For the best possible outcomes, additional factors should be considered as well. Holidays represent an excellent time for telephone fundraising efforts. This time of year is when many donors are most receptive to giving.Wise non-profits leverage the holidays to increase their rate of success.
Topical campaigns have increase significance to givers. These campaigns can be combined with additional media efforts. By closely monitoring the news cycle, it is possible to create campaigns that take advantage of current news, and require no additional effort to spark media interest.
Close attention to relevant news is useful, but not essential to telephone fundraising. Calling campaigns that are well structured can drive their own press coverage.  Press coverage is useful in some cases, but not an absolute requirement for all calling campaigns.


Implementing a successful telephone campaign is not substantially different than other types of solicitation methods. Good Telefundraising applys traditional fundraising methods to the phone. The benefits of applying telephone fundraising are obvious.
Telephone campaigns are an excellent way to overcome the problem of donor fatigue. Combined with other strategies, Telefundraising can strengthen listing campaigns. Fundraising by phone can produce results in and of itself.
Carried out properly, there is no application where telephone fundraising campaigns cannot be attempted with positive outcome.Effective fundraising campaigns require detailed planning. Phone fundraising and other solicitation efforts should be designed to work in harmony.
Fundraising by telephone requires serious preparation. Calling efforts should be well managed and adequately staffed. The results of telephone campaigns are based largely on the dedication of the organizations which run them.


Pound for pound, telephone fundraising delivers better results than other fundraising techniques. The advantages of telephone fundraising fluctuate across organizations, but remain significant. While income is an important factor, it is not the only way to evaluate the performance of a fundraising effort.
Phone campaigns can be implemented with minimal staff requirements. Well managed small teams can out performs much larger groups . Small teams are capable of delivering large gains.
Changes to phone fundraising campaigns can be implemented without halting the camapaign. Important updates can be quickly integrated. News and current events can be incorporated into the campaigns virtually instantly.Comparable fundraising methods need significant time to alter.
Speaking directly with prospects ensures valid contact. Direct  contact with donors is assured with calling campaigns.

Fundraisers come in all varieties. From aggressive to docile, from passionate to indifferent, there are many ways to bring money into a non-profit or political campaign. Just what is the best method of fundraising? The best method is the one that brings in the most money for the cause. There is only one caveat; donors must be respected at all times.

While fundraising happens in call centers, fundraising isn't a typical call center job. Most call centers don't require the depth of experience that fundraiser call center jobs require. A fund raiser can be expected to have a solid grasp of political, social and environmental issues. A telephone fundraiser can spend the morning trying to elect certain politicians and the afternoon trying to protect natural resources  The best telefundraisers have flexible minds and are gifted speakers.

Passion helps a lot but is certainly not the only way to get a donor to contribute. Knowing the issues you're calling about, even if you aren't as passionate about them as others, goes a long way to building credibility with donors. Rapport building is just as important, Donors give to people they like, Get to know your donors and they'll respond,

The next tip is counter-intuitive  Ask high. Most callers, and especially new callers, think donors will be insulted by large requests. In fact high asks have the opposite effect, Many donors are actually flattered to receive a large request, In other cases donors find these request to be humorous given their personal financial situation. Humor builds rapport and rapport secures donations.

The best fundraiser to be is the fundraiser that is most effective with the donor that's currently on the line. Be versatile  The more fundraising styles in your portfolio, the more money you'll raise.

Thank you for reading this. Please leave your comments below and check back often for new posts all about the world of telephone fundraising.

Some call centers are very strict about fundraisers reading directly from a script. Other call centers advise fundraisers to stick to the script, but add additional details when the call requires these extras. Still other fundraising call centers allow fundraisers a great deal of freedom as long as the fundraiser stays within the general parameters of the fundraising campaign. Each strategy has its own merits, however there are some common elements that should be included in all fundraising calls.

Getting a foot in the door.

The first step in most calls is the greeting. Usually the fundraiser identifies their self and the group which they are calling on behalf of. This step should be gotten through quickly but not rushed. The realities of the campaign will dictate how the fundraiser proceeds with the introduction. In some cases the introduction can be delayed until after the a basic description of the organization and its funding need is made. Promise to be brief with your call and stick to this promise./

Expressing gratitude.

The next step is to thank the donor. Whether its a simple thank you for taking the call or a more elaborate thank you for past contributions and supporting the cause, this is an important step. Sincere and elaborate thank yous let the donor know that their help is appreciated. Thank yous also tend to extend the call; people rarely hang up on callers while the caller is praising their support and reaffirming their decision to support the cause. Additionally, the longer a donor stays on the phone, the more likely they are to make a contribution.

The reason for the call.

Next, quickly go into some of the current issues faced by the organization and what is being done about these issues. Don't skimp on the details but don't speak in a monotonous way either. Express some real interest in the cause. Listen for cues from the donor during this and all stages. If they agree with something you're saying; elaborate on the subject. Build rapport. Remember; men and women process information differently. Read other posts on this site to find out which language to use for each kind of donor. Alternatively, if the donor indicates that they're busy; acknowledge that. Repeat that you'll be brief or just get right into your first donation request.

Going for the donation.

The first ask. Given the reasons stated above make a solid ask for a minimum of 3 times highest past gift. Be assertive and let the donor respond. Don't laugh, don't whine. If the need is real, the request should be real as well. Defend your request if required to; don't just lower it. Defending the amount of the first ask gives instant credibility to the importance of the issue, In fact, state that the reason you're requesting a large donation is because of the serious nature of the issue, Only then begin to lower the amount that your'e requesting.

A second attempt.

The second ask. Quickly elaborate on the need. Acknowledge that the donor isn't able to give 3 times their highest past donation. Considering the need, ask for 2 times the past donation. Again defend your request. The more legitimate you sound, the more likely the donor is to give you money. For many fundraisers lowering ask amounts deteriorates into desperation. Although this is a negotiation the need is legitimates and as a fundraiser you want to get the highest possible donation,

One more try.

The third and, not necessarily, final ask, This is where the fundraiser asks the donor to meet the level of their last contribution. This is obviously the level that the donor has been comfortable giving at in the past. Again stress the need and elaborate on the potential consequences of not reaching an adequate level of funding for the campaign in question.

Taking no for an answer.

If stopping here, without securing a donation, take the time to sincerely thank the donor once more. This establishes that you, the fundraiser and the organization, respect the donor no matter what they can or cannot give at the moment. This also helps to reinforce an attitude of respect and gratitude which should be extended to all donors at all times.

The forth ask and so on.

Many times a donor who can't match a previous donation will express regret that they simply cant afford the same amount. If applicable, ask for an even lower amount down to the minimum level of donation that can be taken on a specific campaign. Remind the donor and yourself that every donation, no matter what size, counts. After all in most fundraising campaigns, the many small donations greatly out number the amount of money which is generated by the larger ones.

Get it on a credit card.

The credit card ask. Credit card donations fulfill instantly. There are no pledge cards to send out. Obviously securing a donation on a credit card is favorable to a mailed in pledge card. Credit cards on the phone are favorable to online donations as well; donors can easily be distracted and forget to make their donation.

Ease their mind.

Security is the main concern with credit card donations, Donors are rightfully fearful of identity theft. Every call center has methods in place to protect the credit card information of donors. Patiently explain these procedures as well as why credit card gifts are the best gifts that donors can make.

Be prepared to further explain  the value of credit card donations and their secure nature. Many donors will give by credit card once they have been properly assured of security measures. If not, follow your organization's standard pledge card procedure.

Wrapping up the call.

Again, take the time to sincerely thank the donor for their help. Answer any additional questions and then politely end the call. Following this method on every call improves dollars raised as well as the quality of each outbound call.

The short answer to this question is, yes. While the rules have changed a bit since the early days of raising money online, the necessary elements all still exist in great supply. These are; a large and motivated donor pool, innovative organizations and fundraisers and the technology that brings it all together. This post will cover this complex topic with updates to come. In the mean time, voice your opinion on the relevancy of online fundraising in the comments section below.

The first step to success in online fundraising is the cause. While its possible to raise money for just about anything, what really promotes success is having a well defined mission statement. This is something that resonates with donors quickly. The shorter it takes to express your mission statement, the more likely it is that donors will stick around to learn more about your organization and its needs. This does not necessarily mean that they'll make a contribution, but donors who leave your site out of boredom, frustration or confusion certainly wont be making any.

After a well defined cause, presentation is the next most important element of online fundraising. Donors are quick to leave sites that are'nt easy to navigate. Ideally donors should be able to make an online gift in just one or two steps, the more complicated a donation system is, the less likely donations are to be made. Simple. modern interfaces are the key to increasing online donations.

With the economy finally starting to gain some traction, few people are thinking about those whom society is le aving behind. These are the working poor, the sick and the elderly. As the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan wind down, we will see more soldiers and their families in need.

Sometimes fundraising calls for a national effort. The only way to gather money and resources quickly is by calling or mailing into every state for support. This is a proven method of soliciting money. This isn't the case for every fundraising effort however.

There are some issues that could just as well be taken care of locally. Additionally, some causes are actually better served by using local fundraisers. Local has a number of benefits; we'll name a few below.

More of the money goes to the cause.
Some national fundraising companies can take as much as 80% of what they raise for an organization. Millions of dollars are wasted in this way. Local groups just can't afford to pay these prices. A local campaign, whether staffed by volunteers or local professionals, ensures that more of the donated dollars go to work immediately.

No one knows local issues like local people.
Using locals to fund raise means having a team that understands the issue and is passionate about it. The more knowledgeable and interested in an issue a fundraiser is, the more likely they are to secure donations.

As a nation, a number of important issues are affecting Americans;
children going to bed hungry, seniors and veterans not getting the care that they deserve and homelessness are just a few of these issues. What all of these issues all have in common is that they begin and end locally.

We can choose to wait for a solution from Washington, but President Obama's job forces him to look at the big issues, not the small ones. National organizations face similar problems; they have the money and resources, but not the organization to implement relief locally. Local fundraisers raising and spending money locally have an immediate effect on communities.

Bringing the idea of raising money in the community and solving problems locally is one whose time has come. More local groups are starting to see the power of collecting donations at home. As the idea spreads, the benefits will only become greater.

Excellent fundraisers, as well as average ones often find themselves reaching a plateau when it comes to their fundraising abilities and the dollar amounts that they raise.  On a plateau, it is just as easy to move upward as it is to slip backwards; losing progress. Fundraisers are only interested in moving in one direction; upward.

pla•teau (plæˈtoʊ; esp. Brit. ˈplæt oʊ) 
n., pl. -teaus, -teaux (-ˈtoʊz, -toʊz) 
v. -teaued, -teau•ing. n.1. a land area having a relatively level surface considerably raised above adjoining land on at least one side.
2. a period or state of little or no growth or decline, esp. one in which increase or progress ceases: to reach a plateau in one's career.v.i.3. to reach a state or level of little or no growth or decline; stabilize

Definitions #2 and #3 have the most significance in fundraising, but definition #1 can be a useful visualization tool.

So how do we get beyond the fundraising plateau?

1. Go back to basics. Find something in your fundraising routine that can be improved and work on it. Can your greeting be made more friendly? Can your donation requests be tightened up? What ever it is, work on it. Working on any one issue has the added benefit of providing new perspectives on other issues.
2. Ask the donor. Ask donors, whether, they give or not, what they thought of your performance. Most will provide at least one useful bit of information. Some donors will provide so much valuable criticism that you may find yourself reexamining your entire fundraising strategy.
3. Ask another fundraiser. Sometimes we let shyness, pride or professional competition get in the way of improving our skills. Every fundraiser, at every stage, goes through the plateau problem. Reach out to your fellow fundraisers and get their advice.
4. Become an expert. Often after fundraising for a certain cause for a long time, fundraisers began to feel like experts on the issue. There is always more to learn. Find books magazine articles and any other materials that you can. The more you know about your issue, the better you can fund raise for it.
5. Remember, Plateaus aren't permanent. Keep slugging away, doing the best job that you possibly can. Eventually, you will begin to see some progress.

"To what extent is science a strong-link problem?", Sauropod Vertebra Picture of the Week, 10/30/2024 [emphasis added]: Here’s a fascinating and worrying news story in Science: a top US researcher apparently falsified a lot of images (at least) in papers that helped get experimental drugs on the market — papers that were published in top […]

That's all I've got, so far, for linguistic commentary on the U.S. election results. According to the OED, the etymology of ballot is < (i) Middle French ballotte (French †ballotte) small ball (beginning of the 15th cent. as †balote), small coloured ball placed in a container to register a secret vote (1498) or its etymon […]

For basic facts, see below. Thanks to AI and our Japanese colleagues, the study of Peru's mysterious Nazca lines has made a quantum leap forward. AI Revealed a New Trove of Massive Ancient Symbols The 2,000-year-old geoglyphs offer clues to ancient Nazca people and their rituals By Aylin Woodward, Science Shorts, WSJ (Nov. 6, 2024) […]

Below are two lists of nominations for Japanese buzzword of the year.  Each has 30 entries, and from each list one will be chosen as the respective winner.  Since the two lists are already quite long and rich, I will keep my own comments (mostly at the bottom and focusing on phoneticization) to a minimum. […]

[This is a guest post by Michael Witzel] A few months ago you published a discussion of whimsical surnames. Since then I have paid attention and have found new ones in  almost every news broadcast. It is said that there are 1 million (!) surnames in the German speaking area of some 95 million people […]

In recent weeks and months, we've been having many posts and comments about Taiwanese language.  Today's post is quite different:  it's all about the difference between Mandarin as spoken on the mainland and as spoken on Taiwan. "Words of Influence: PRC terms and Taiwanese identity", by Karen Huang, Taiwan Insight (8 November 2024) What is […]

The first two panels of yesterday's SMBC: The last two: Back in 1979, David Macauley's Motel of the Mysteries had a much longer story to tell about archeologists' presuppositions. Macauley's plot loosely satirizes the work of Heinrich and Sophia Schliemann in excavating Troy, and also echoes Howard Carter's excavation of Tutankhamunn's tomb. It's 4022, and […]

There is a discussion on Linguistics Stack Exchange whether wristwatch in Chinese came from the French: As a native French speaker studying Mandarin Chinese, I couldn't help but notice that the Chinese term for wristwatch, 手表 (hand-show), is quite similar to the French term "une montre" (a "shower"/display). After further inspection, I notice that other […]

[This is a guest post by Denis Mair]      Cai Xutie was a Taiwanese woman who ran a family farm with her husband in a village near Jiayi in central Taiwan. She was a rice farmer and had never attended a public school. After her husband died in middle age, she sold some of the land, […]

Today's xkcd: Mouseover title: "There's a maximum likelihood that I'm doing phylogenetics wrong." It's not that Randall is "doing phylogenetics wrong", but rather than he's applying it to an inappropriate problem. The OED's etymology for phylogeny is < German Phylogenie (E. Haeckel Gen. Morphol. der Organismen (1866) I. iii. 57) < Phylum phylum n. + […]

The Autumn 2022 issue of Agapé, the official journal of U.S. Grand Lodge O.T.O., is now available. This and all previous issues can be found here.

The Winter 2022 issue of Agapé, the official journal of U.S. Grand Lodge O.T.O., is now available. This and all previous issues can be found here.

Registration is now open for National O.T.O. Conference XIV, to be held in Denver, Colorado, August 3-6 2023. NOTOCON is normally held every two years, but it was canceled in 2021 due to the pandemic, so this will be our first NOTOCON since 2019.

The Spring 2023 issue of Agapé, the official journal of U.S. Grand Lodge O.T.O., is now available. This and all previous issues can be found here.

The deadline to propose a presentation for National O.T.O. Conference XIV in Denver, CO, is May 10, 2023.

For potential speakers, a handy FAQ full of useful information is available here.

The Summer 2023 issue of Agapé, the official journal of U.S. Grand Lodge O.T.O., is now available. This and all previous issues can be found here.

NOTOCON XIV is fast approaching! The cutoff date to receive our group rate at the hotel is Friday, July 21st. Please reserve now. The speaker schedule has been published on the NOTOCON website. Event registration is still open! We can’t wait to see all of you in August, and wish you all safe travels!

The U.S. Grand Lodge O.T.O. annual report for fiscal year 2022 has been published. This and all previous annual reports can be found here.

Terrible! I was thinking all day about how I needed to write a blog-post and how I'd surely have time after such-and-such meeting or after the 6:00pm concert, but I didn't get back home until after midnight. So this post is backdated in the most embarrassing of traditions. -1,000 points

Tonight we saw two great tastes that go great together: Alex G and Alvvays. I think both of these bands are great. Alvvays has been on my radar for many years, but they didn't quite click for me until their most recent album Blue Rev, which is probably my favorite disc this year (although it came out in 2022). It's definitely one of those albums that I like to listen end-to-end, but it also stars on the 5 minute playlist that I am using for my aforementioned project to run a 5m00s treadmill mile, so I listen to two tracks from it (Pharmacist and Velveteen) many times a week, often in pain. Alex G I discovered from the soundtrack to the indie film We're all Going to the World's Fair. I also think his music is great, and weird, but I'm still trying to wrap my head around how many people were at this pretty big concert venue enraptured by this kinda weird band. I think the simplest explanation is that "the kids are alright."

Anyway, now it is quite late and I am quite tired. I am still working on this math project and still "making progress" but wary that it's been in that state for quite a while now. But I do basically know how to finish projects or move onto other things!

Here is the new content:

I've mentioned that I have been working on running a five-minute mile on the treadmill this year, a goal that at one point seemed in reach. I think I also complained that I got sick and that when I got back to it, they had swapped out all the treadmills for fancy treadmills with built-in Netflix and air conditioning and stuff like that, which I now refer to as "Bob's Tred Mill." There's some good things about these, and some things that make me crazy, but one thing that especially made me crazy is they felt significantly faster than the old Precor ones I was used to. It's definitely a real thing that treadmills are sometimes not calibrated correctly (or the tread stretches out or slips, etc.) but it was also possible that being sick set me back more than I thought. The important thing is to get The Data instead of just The Upset Feelings so I was shopping for things like those hand-held unicycles that you can wheel around to measure how long things (like streets) are, as it does seem like the kind of device that I would own, looking at like the world's most accurate hand-held unicycle thing, and then I noticed at the last thing that most of them have a MAX SPEED of something like 10mph, which would not do. I finally had the brain-stroke that I could use a laser tachometer to do it, since these have a max speed more like 99999 RPM. So I measured the tread length with some chalk marks and put reflective tape on there. The treadmill will go at different speeds when loaded (running on it) vs unloaded, which also depends on your weight and stride and stuff a little, so you also gotta engage in the dexterity-testing act of measuring while running on it, which looked like this:

POV: You are me

Pointing the laser at the reflective tape dot (visible right next to the laser dot here) as it flies by while running kinda fast is definitely tricky, although I must say that it was one of those times when I thought, "I've been training my whole life for this!" and you can see that I'm showing off a little bit here by also photographing it at the same time. But you are not impressed since it reports 0 RPM. The nice thing about the tachometer is that it only needs a pair of observations to give you a frequency, and you can easily tell if you missed the tape, which you do often on account of the shaking, because you get some integer multiple that's way off from the right answer. Anyway I dutifully took multiple readings unloaded and loaded at (nominally) 6mph, 7mph, ... 12mph and made a spreadsheet with all the results converted, and... found that the treadmill is just about 1% too fast loaded, all across the board. This would be just 3 seconds for a five-minute mile, which is not nothing, but it definitely does not vindicate my Upset Feelings (I was thinking it felt more like 10%). My best guess is that the old treadmills were (all?) actually too slow, which is annoying because now I doubt some of the unofficial 5k records I painfully set for myself during the summer. But, well, the thing about endeavoring to do challenging things is: No Cheating!

In project news, I feel I have a foothold now to get myself out of this math hole, as I've finally migrated this algorithm to work only with 64-bit integer arithmetic and so I can port it to GPU soon and then be out of ideas about how to make it faster. I have no idea if there's a good story to be told for this project, but I'll try (and also, it is okay if sometimes the hobby programming doesn't lead to a video or Sigbovik paper, you know?). And speaking of Sigbovik: Heroes have emerged quite on time this year, so it's certainly looking like there will be a proceedings and conference (perhaps with livestream), so start writing those papers now.

Aside from the math hole, I've been making some progress on two other concurrent projects. It's getting normal again (even quiet) at work and winter break is coming up, and I'm looking forward to having some several-day stretches to work on them.

I played through Golf Peaks (well, I haven't beat all the bonus levels yet but I've been working back to front so it's just a matter of a little time at this point), which was a very nice little puzzle game that does almost everything right. Other than the very irritating music in one world, I think my only disappointment was that it doesn't elegantly handle infinite-length puts. I'm also still working on Return to Monkey Island, which I do like, although it doesn't hold up to my memory of the first two. I think one of the problems with modern point-and-click adventure games is the voices, actually: Not because the voice acting bothers me, but because it goes so slow compared to reading. It's like when you just want to figure out the maximum speed of the hand-held unicycle and they're trying to get you to watch a video instead of just reading. Tears of the Kingdom (which I'm still savoring, but getting close to the end now) does a good job with this; you do hear snippets of voices, which helps with the characterization, but you can blow through the dialog at a pretty fast pace. Probably a lot cheaper, too!

Hello again,

This month I've been plugging away on the project I mentioned in the previous post which involves among other things a PDF generator and now an implementation of ML (as in Standard ML, but also the other one). This is probably the 10th "compiler" I've written in my life, and it's kind of fun to revisit these problems that you've done many times and try out different approaches, although this time one of the approaches is "Use C++" (for reasons of making good on a joke, but also for reasons of mlton doesn't work on my computer any more). And although C++ is a fine tool for many applications, it does have some deficiencies for the task of writing a compiler (one of the most irritating: a very modest limit on the stack depth? Like my computer has 256 Gigabytes of RAM and 2^64 virtual addresses and somehow it can only manage 1 megabyte for the stack and there's no standard way to increase it? Get off my lawn). But then you can also experience new ways of struggling with C++, like: A middle of the night power failure wrecked my computer's GPT (as in GUID Partition Table, but also the other one) and I was deep in the depths of taking the computer apart to reset its parts, its BIOS (its Basic In/Out System, which is where it stores its biography) and its hard drives were everywhere on the floor, and it could not be saved, and this after I already broke my computer this year by trying to put the world's biggest video card in it, too hard. And I could not merely perform recovery because of Unknown Error, so I had to begin anew again and restore from backups. But when you restore from backup and you're in the mood of "why is this so complicated and I don't understand how computers work any more?" it occurs to you (me) to also change your underlying development environment instead of reinstalling the devil you know. So I ended my friendship with Cygwin64 and switched to new best friend MSYS2. Both of these things are different ways of wishing that you were using Linux while you're using Windows. The main reason I tried this new way of struggling is that Cygwin is very behind on its version of x86_64 clang (C++ compiler), which I wanted to try because it supports AddressSanitizer and clangd on Windows, and I wanted to give LSP in emacs a shot (it's finally good!). There were a few growing pains, but I think MSYS2 is what I would recommend now. One of the nice things they did was create multiple different environments depending on what you want to do (e.g. "I want to use clang to compile x86_64 code" or "I want to do 32-bit cross compilation for ARM") and in that environment, you just say "g++" and it invokes the compiler you want, instead of the weird contortions I've been doing for years with manually invoking x86_64-w64-mingw32-g++. I was also able to get clblast working before being too filled with rage to continue, so that is nice for the ML inference on the world's biggest graphics card. I made these graphics to help me tune the correct settings of GPU layers (y axis) and number of threads (x axis):

tune-single
tune-batch

In some sense the results are obvious (more threads and more layers is faster) but it was interesting to me how the cliff of performance drops off at a different number of layers for single and batch mode (I guess because the batch needs some memory itself?) and how it's clearly better to use fewer threads than cores for batch as well. I was not surprised to see performance drop off for >32 threads (everybody knows that hyper-threads kinda suck) but I was very surprised to see performance pick up again when it gets back up to 64? And only for single mode? I wish I understood that better. But mostly I'm a sucker for the custom visualizations.

Right but when writing this compiler I realized that I wanted to use some Greek letters, and I can't handle it when some characters are in a different font in my source code, so I finally made some space for those in my programming font FixederSys. These certainly still need some tweaks, but it's already better than just being in some other weird font:


{{{caption}}}

You can also see that I have been adding some "useful" emoji at the top. It is an interesting puzzle to try to make these things recognizable (especially for the 1x version, whose charboxes are 8x16 pixels). I am pretty sure I will not try to do all of the emoji (like, the flags are totally hopeless at 8x16), but it is tempting to round out the Unicode support somewhat. Like I was trying to make a ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ today and had to settle for ~\_( :) )_/~ which is pretty much (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻.

Also: Adam revived our old game jam game Headcat, which I described in post 927, now over 16 years ago. You can play it online at Headcat.org. It is harder than I remember, perhaps explaining why it did not reach #1 on the One Appstore Per Child charts.

Also: I started and finished (true ending, but just with one character) Slay the Spire. Good game, but you don't need me to tell you that. Same for Alwa's Legacy, which is the sequel to Alwa's Awakening. Both of these are very true-to-form "8-bit" and "16-bit" platformers that I enjoyed and would recommend for genre fans, though I did not try to 100% them. The graphics are the highlight and I thought it was very cute how these could easily have been a pair of games from the NES and SNES. The good old days. And speaking of good-old days, I am now playing Katamari Damacy, which I had played at a friend's house many years ago, and always wanted to spend more time with. It totally holds up (aside from stuff like: You have to play through the tutorial and first level before you can access the menus at all, like to make the game fullscreen?) and it's honestly inspiring how unhinged the game design and writing are, and how fun it manages to be. What an accomplishment!

Oof, so busy! I finished up my paper(s) for SIGBOVIK and submitted them. Phew. I'll post 'em here after the embargo ends. I think the papers may be the canonical form of this particular project, but I'm starting on a visual version, which will probably become a video some time this month. (First up: I need to prep a live version for Unnecessary Detail, as mentioned in the previous post.) But right now I'm also on the West coast (in a car traveling from Los Angeles to San Diego) for a short family trip which was cut even shorter by the Spirit of Bad Aircraft Management of Spirit Airlines. Immediately upon arriving at the hotel I looked out our window and saw a little park and thought, "it would be fun to skateboard in that park," (I am not a skateboarder) and then, "did I already skateboard in that park 20 years ago in Tony Hawk's Pro Skater?" and I looked it up and yes, the Los Angeles level in THPS3 is based on that very park.

I thought I wasn't going to be able to make the SIGBOVIK live event at all because of this trip, but it looks like I will be back and might try to make it, depending partly on whether I can get any material together for a talk in time.

I spent most of my free time in March on hacking and writing for this silly paper, but sometimes the brain needs a break, and I continued with Teardown. I think this game is great. It is impressive technically and graphically. The sandbox is fun; I had a great time painstakingly disassembling an enormous blast furnace until the framerate became intolerable. (The way the physics works, the entire blast furnace can be held up by the connection of a single voxel. This is obviously totally unrealistic but it is pretty fun to try to blowtorch around an entire building and then try to hunt down why it is still standing.) But I was also impressed with how they managed to make the missions compelling too. There are a couple of ergonomic annoyances (like: There are limitations on what keys can be rebound to what, so I had to play with a controller. And the quick-save is great, but given that you might spend an hour setting up a heist in a level, it would be nice if you could make an in-level save that was a little less quick, just in case you accidentally stayed up to 2am). Getting close to the end of that one. I also played through Gunlocked, which was a good small Roguelike shoot-em-up. The powerups were really well done; it just could've used a bit more variety in the bad guys.

OK, getting a bit carsick here so I'm going to put the laptop away. See you soon.

In a fashion that's thematically appropriate for the project, I'm "taking my time" with this video (e.g. I am still writing new code for it today??). It mostly means that I feel behind a lot. But I think I am truly close now to being done. I got all my new gear working together, 3D-printing rig pieces and so on. This has been generally fun. I'm also enjoying the occasion to experiment with new approaches and video editing techniques. I even cleaned out a significant section of my basement for a temporary studio:

Green scream

I think I have about 120 seconds of finished video here, which is far worse than my usual bad pace of about an hour a minute. Fortunately the rest should be much more straightforward, and I hope to just record the audio and be done with it this weekend. Pro tip, though: Don't install the new version of Adobe Premiere Pro while you're knee-deep in a complicated edit. Why would you press that button?

My procrastination: I fully beat Teardown and all the stakes in Balatro (but I may try to finish the last few challenges). Both good games, recommended. For light procrastination I have been playing Grapple Dog which has cute graphics and writing and is getting better as the levels get more challenging, but I probably wouldn't fully recommend. It's a stage-by-stage linear platformer with three irritations: The controls are a little too "snap-to-nearest" (like you will often initiate an unwelcome wall jump just because you jump near a wall) for me, the music is annoying, and I really want to get all the purple gems, but I can never tell whether I'm going the "right" way or the "wrong" way, and so I will often miss them just because of that. But I do basically like the game. I also started, for procrastination purposes, Humanity, which was recommended to me a while ago. It is good. The Steam videos do not do justice to how slick the game's graphics are (especially the UI has all these fluid little touches and impressive continuity as you transition between levels); I think it needs to run on a big monitor with a high frame rate. At its core it's mostly a puzzle game, with many things you have seen before, but also some new clever stuff (and I am only on the 2nd world, so I presume they have more surprises in store for me).

I believe this is all.

'been taking it easier this month, which is my reward for finishing a video, but not totally leisure. Like for example I added a Cyrillic codepage to FixederSys, and I have been working on a Wikipedia article that involves digging through old newspapers. One other thing that resembles digging through old newspapers is that I'm finally repointing some of the bricks on my house (yes, this is "taking it easier"), as the mortar is in places 120 years old, and has become quite soft, like it's just sand held gently in place by paint. I'm using lime mortar, the glue of the ancient world, as this appears to be the house's original connective tissue (and apparently if you use the wrong mortar on old soft bricks you can ruin 'em, although I have discovered that mortar chemistry is akin to like editor or programming language wars among computer people). This work would be relaxing or even satisfying if not for the fact that some of it is significantly off the ground, so most of the work is actually ladder acrobatics and vertigo things. I will spare you the specifics of the dodgiest moments, which I'll have you know I did without any harm, even concluding at times that "this is simply too many somewhat or slightly dodgy things at once, together totaling too much dodge," not because the stories aren't relaxing or even satisfying but because I feel like committing it to blog might come back some day to haunt me, like when some near-future AI is deciding "how much shall it cost to insure Tom 7 against accident or brick wall failure"? But that is coming along and now I own three ladders of different heights.

Another thing is I got back to 3D printing. I don't know if I mentioned here before that I finally upgraded my 3D printer from the impressive-at-the-time but now-actually-quite-incapable Makerbot Replicator 2X to the utterly-non-disappointing Bambu X1C. It's a really good printer, which does the things you always thought a 3D printer did in the first place, like print a part in 3D all the way through without failing. I printed some props for my last video with that thing, but recently I've been making things that are more relaxing or even satisfying, like replacement parts for broken things around the house, or boxes, like here for my audio equipment:

Box closed


Box open


Box very open

This is based on a popular model ("rugged parametric box") but lest you worry that I have let myself go, rest assured that I refactored the whole Fusion 360 file to make it more parametric and rebuilt using the obvious mirror operations (??) and so on so that it would be nicer for customizing, and then of course here there are many customizations. It is very satisfying to pack the XLR cable and timecode cable and preamp neatly in the same box and then close the lid and you get an elegant abstract line drawing of what you just put away. This is printed in carbon-fiber impregnated PLA, which is an excellent material. The handles and inlays are of course solid gold.

Lastly I have been playing the video games! As usual! I finished Hades (100%!) and Grapple Dog and I am very deep into the Animal Well (love it) and a couple other small ones. I'll give my thoughts on these but I started writing this post too late and now we're inches from losing points.

I’m traveling for the long weekend. Either I’m having bad luck with the epic heat waves or there have been a lot of epic heat waves, because again the short road trip threatens to be tyrannized by the hot air. It did at least touch 100°F this time, so at least it is a proper respectable heat wave. We are in a place called Hocking Hills, whose AirBnB has these OBX-style stickers that say “HHO”, which could either be confusingly “Hills, HOcking,” or perhaps “Hocking Hills, Ohio”, but not “Hocking hills OHio” as one might expect. I plan to stick the sticker upside-down for “OHH”, as in “Ohh yeah, I need to write a post on Tom 7 Radar for the month of August, and I need to do it on this mediocre wi-fi which Google Internet Speed Test describes as ‘fine’ while everyone else drinks beers outside.” Fair enough: This is a self-imposed curse and one that’s easily tended to at any time during the month.

During the month: I worked again on making my own video codec, which is a very bad way to spend one’s time, but I don’t think there are any modern lossless codecs that would be suitable for my use case. And I do like a data compression project because of the inherent benchmarkability. The use case is for the increasingly common situation where I have a program generating a series of video frames (e.g. BoVeX is making an animation), which I usually do by writing a sequence of PNG files to disk. I’m way ahead of PNG files so far even without doing any inter-frame stuff, which is not impressive, but does make me feel like it’s at least not totally pointless. (Still, it’s quite pointless: Sure I can make these files smaller at significant cost of complexity and encoding times, but these animations typically use space similar to like one second of 4K 60fps XF-AVC footage.)

Sometimes programming your own lossless video codec is a bit too fast-paced so you need to write a Wikipedia article from scratch about Clairton Coke Works by digging through newspaper archives. I haven't even gotten to the last 30 years of its history yet! I also rounded out the Cyrillic in FixederSys though I don't think I've uploaded a new version of that yet. As usual I did some hacking on secret projects.

UHH, elsewise, I did finish off Animal Well which I liked very much. My spoilerless advice to you is: Don't try to 100% this game without at least looking at a spoiler-controlled guide! But I did have fun once I felt like I was stuck-ish finishing the remaining postgame puzzles. I have also been playing Chippy, a bullet-hell twin-stick shooter that is quite hard (I usually feel good at this genre) and has several new good ideas in it. It's essentially all boss fights, and the chief innovation is that you fight the giant bosses by disconnecting pieces of them. I'm on the last boss so I will probably finish that one soon. As I have confessed many times, I like dumb first-person shooter games, and I played through Trepang 2 this month as well. It does have a few moments, but it was mostly pretty dumb, like I wanted. And then I started Touhou Luna Nights, which is a "Metroidvania" fan-game with great pixel art and music.

OK, I should get back to this vacation!

Hello team!

I turned 45! It happens every year (not the same age, but the same feeling, of time marching forward, with me along with it) so no big surprise. This weekend was the Great Race, also every year, but I unsubscribed from their e-mail list at some point months ago because they seem to operate this list under the misconception that subscribers want to think about Great Race 24/7 all year round. I thought: It should be easy to just remember when the Great Race is, as it always falls on the weekend near my birthday, and I do not need a list constantly mailing me reminders. Easy. But then I forgot about the Great Race, so I didn't run it.

I did take the day off for my birthday despite this being the busy time of year at work, which was worth it: I made some good progress on some projects that had been backed up in my anxiety-brain for some time. Of course they are confidential, but here is a graphic of some significant progress:

Minusweeper

I forgot to mention this one when I did it, but did you know that you can "buy" a Unicode codepoint, by making a donation to the Unicode consortium? So of course I bought ASCII 0x37, which is the digit 7.

True story: I did a lot of film photography when I was younger, and although I do miss film, I'll admit that the saddest thing I feel about its obsolescence is actually that those little black plastic film canisters are no longer all over the place to be repurposed to hold little objects. I found them very satisfying and useful! Fortunately now that I'm old I found another similar ubiquitous shape, which is these orange prescription medicine bottles. I've been using those for a while to "organize" small parts like screws (e.g. when I take something apart that I might want to put back together, I put the screws in the medicine bottle and label it) but then they just roll around in the drawer of crap. So this:


RxBox, Unpopulated
RxBox, Populated

A very simple part, of course, but what could be more satisfying than 3d printing your own holder for canisters for fasteners that goes in a drawer in a cabinet?

And speaking of satisfying, I finally finished Chippy (regular difficulty) which was really quite hard. Several of the last bosses I had to practice over several evenings before I beat them! It was a good and creative game, though. I'm mid-way through Solar Ash, which is good (but it's no Hyper Light Drifter IMO!) and just started playing Satisfactory, since they finally put out a 1.0 version of that. It's quite well done, but I'm not sure if I actually like it (seems a bit heavy on the cookie crafting; in fact I'm letting it craft in the background as I write this). I am getting a kick out of allowing thinking about my messy design as the "saddest factory," a joke which I'm sure occurs to everyone, but that's Game Design!

OMG. I can't believe October is over already. I blame Satisfactory which, okay, I do get it now, and it did destroy my body and mind. I am inches from being done now; I just want to make sure that I finish it with enough force that I do actually put it away, as I could imagine tinkering with my saddest factory forever.

The game isn't without flaw, but I think most of those flaws are not interesting to talk about. I do have one petty but important criticism, which is mildly spoilerful and anyway will only be interesting if you played the game. There is an object called the Somersloop ("cool S") which allows you to double the output of a machine. Canonically this item is some kind of "loop" and the flavor text talks about how it is able to create more energy than you put into it. So when I'm out hunting for Korok seeds I have this thought that maybe I could create a loop of factories whereby it would create infinite resources by repeatedly doubling. And I'm thinking about it but the crafting tree doesn't have any notable loops in it, but I remember the "packager" which allows you to put a fluid in a container or the converse, and I'm like: Yes, that's great! So I get back to base and I am doing this, just for fun to create an infinite fuel factory or whatever, and I realize that the packager just doesn't have a slot for a Somersloop. They must just hate fun, elegant twists. It would not break the game to allow this (you can always get infinite resources lots of other ways) or cause any other problem I can think of. Hmph!

The thing about constructing a factory and watching it churn is that it's basically the same thing as a programming project that you invented for yourself, and it's probably better to do the programming project. Here's progress on my mysterious rectangle:

Minusweeper 2

It's good progress if I do say so myself! Anything but black here is a Satisfactory result, which is 90.55% of them at this point. I may need heavy machinery for the remaining 9.45%, but that is part of the fun.

I think that's really it for this month! Please vote in the US Elections if you can (but I guess also vote in any important elections. And obviously, vote for the good guys???). And happy Halloween!

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In the aftermath of the appalling murder of an MP some commentators are looking at the occasionally poisonous comments made about politicians. The received wisdom of the public is that politicians are dishonest, but that is almost invariably a misreading. If MPs and others had to answer every question frankly, life would be impossible. Most of the usual questions would have to be answered with "I don't know" or "well, I hope that A happens but it might well be B for all I know." The Paxman figure would then rip the interviewee to shreds. So let's give them a break shall we?

This is a brief apology for the recent lack of postings on here. The first reason is that I have just had a visit from my son and his newly-pregnant wife who live thousands of miles away and the second is the absolutely amazing news agenda of the last couple of weeks. As one who has closely followed politics since my early teens, I have just been riveted by events. Oh yes, and I spent a couple of days in hospital being tended to by efficient and charming staff, most of whom were Polish.

I hope to return to something like normal this week, I see that the old idea of sitting courts in pubs and suchlike has resurfaced, so perhaps I'll have a look at that..

A judge who was verbally abused by a defendant reciprocated at a court hearing where he was being sentenced for breaching an antisocial behaviour order.

John Hennigan, 50, who had breached the order by using racist language towards a black woman and her two children told Chelmsford crown court judge Patricia Lynch QC that she was “a bit of a cunt”. And Judge Lynch replied: “You are a bit of a cunt yourself.”

When Hennigan screamed back “Go fuck yourself”, the judge replied: “You too.” He reportedly also shouted “Sieg Heil” – a pro-Hitler chant used in Nazi Germany – and banged the glass panel of the dock as he was jailed for 18 months.

Hennigan, from Harlow, Essex, has dozens of previous convictions for offences including drug and firearm possession and common assault.

An asbo was previously imposed on him in 2005 when a swastika was discovered daubed on the front door of his council house.

I can understand the Judge's  reaction, but I have never used that word in court, other than in direct quotation from the evidence.


Perhaps a quiet word from the circuit presider might be in order here.

My bench recently arranged its AGM at a nearby Crown Court, in accordance with the sensible policy of using HMCTS property assets whenever possible.

Unfortunately the IT that we use to display documents and suchlike proved to be incompatible with the Crown Court kit. Surprised? Me neither.

I sat today in a bench of two with a liked and respected colleague who is to retire in a couple of months when she reaches seventy (although you would never guess it)..Before the off, we fantasised about how bulletproof we felt, as disregarding the guidelines could at worst result in ejection from the bench that would take longer than we have left to sit.

We dealt mostly with breaches of community orders: the miscreants were mostly addled by drugs, and immune to letters or calls from probation. I was obliged, several times, to explain in plain language that it was the defendant's reponsibility to stay in touch with probation, rather than the other way round.

Our powers are limited in these cases, so I went home doubting that we had achieved very much.

The House of Commons has just refused to allow pardons to men convicted decades ago of sex offences that are no longer illegal. The issue has stirred up the inevitable hornets' nest of Twitter and Press comments, and we are left with the illogical situation that those men (yes, all men) who have died will be pardoned but the living remain with a stain on their character.

I suspect that the furore is largely a matter of semantics; a 'pardon' has a defined legal meaning, but in common parlance it has different implications. If I offend someone, or tread on their toe in error, they my well pardon me for the wrong that I have done them, and that is that. However, a pardon for  a crime looks to the layman as if the offence was indeed committed , but the Queen will overlook it. That is not at all what the convicted men are looking for, but rather an apologetic wiping clean of the slate. Only the archaic concept of a  royal pardon looks to be possible in law, unless legislation can be changed.

Common compassion suggests that the huge shift in public attitudes to same-sex relationships should be reflected in the law. It is a small  matter in the great scheme of things, but means a great deal to the men affected. Parliament is rammed to the doors with lawyers: surely a couple of them could draft a swift form of words to clear up this relatively minor injustice? 

When the current third-runway project was in its first flush of 'yes we can, no we can't' I said something rather tactless to my then Bench Chairman. I grew up near Heathrow (although I knew it as London Airport, but we shall let that pass).

To a Hayes boy, who went to school in Uxbridge, the way to the airport on spotting days went through the unprepossessing suburbs of Sipson and West Drayton. The airport brought great prosperity to the area, but its hinterland remained grim.

My then Chairman lived in Sipson, in a house that had been purchased on generous terms by the airport people, but which stands (as it still does, but for how much longer I cannot say) and is at pretty much the exact point where the airliners' wheels will meet the tarmac, with that puff of blue smoke from the tyres. So in my rather thoughtless way I ventured the opinion that most of West Drayton and Sipson would be improved by a thick layer of ferro-concrete. He sniffed and walked away.

I sat in my crumbling courthouse a couple of months ago, having edged past the permanently-stuck gate on the justices' car park, and made my way up the nearly-new lift to the assembly room. It is a handsome room, built in 1907 but has sadly not seen a lick of paint in the last decade-and-a-half and more.

Everywhere are signs of decay and neglect - but no matter. I understand the desperate need for the government to bring expenditure under control, even if that means denying resources to the public service that I have served unpaid these thirty years. There are still biscuits (amazingly) and most of the lights come on when you press a switch. There is some mysterious  kit that we think might be for use in the new all-electronic courthouse. It still bears the protective film that we see on expensive audio visual stuff to protect it on its long journey from a Chinese sweatshop.

I have recently received an email from  www.gov.uk/annual-tax-summary setting out the tax that I paid in the last fiscal year setting out the tax that I paid (direct tax only, so forget the taxes on consumption such as liquor duties and Council Tax (fifty quid a week on my modest Thames Valley bungalow).

Much more interesting is the breakdown of where it went, revealing how little our fellow citizens know of what is done with the country's collective cash.

Not that much goes on the justice system.

A colleague, who has sometimes posted here as Bystander N, has sent me the following, asking me to put it on the blog. It is gratifying, and I hope that it is true.

• Tomorrow is a particularly sad day for my bench. I know Bystander and he had no idea I was going to

  write this short piece. Tomorrow he will be officially “past it”, though of course in reality nothing like

  past it and he is as sharp as they come.

  Both here on this blog and in our retiring rooms we will miss his kindness, warmth, immense

  knowledge, sense of fair play, sense of humour and seemingly endless stream of amusing court

  anecdotes.

  I have not always agreed with him on bail and sentence decisions but that’s the way the system

  works. I have learned a great deal from him and I am really sorry he will not be amongst us any

  longer. I have heard him say that he thinks he saw the best of the bench many years ago. He may

  be right but I’m still sure, even if he will not miss all of it, he will miss most of it.

I have just had a letter on lovely thick straw-coloured letterhead from the Royal Courts of Justice in which a Rt.Hon.Lord Justice thanks me for my 31 years' service on the bench. 

That's nice, and I shall pass it on to my granddaughters in due course. Both of their parents are solicitors. My impending third grandchild will have two journalists as parents, so that's nice too.

I am afraid that my mind has slipped off matters legal today, since my new granddaughter Martina was born at 1am GMT  today, in Bogota, Colombia. Congratulations to parents Matthew and Tata.

The Supreme Court is now considering a crucial case that will clarify the power of the judiciary vis a vis that of Parliament. Many of the country's finest legal minds will focus on this matter, and a verdict will be handed down. In the long tradition of European matters dividing our nation, some unscrupulous parties are attempting to discredit the Courts, in particular by focusing on individual judges and any perceived bias they may have. This is an appalling piece of vandalism, the worst offender being the Daily Mail. Recently that paper has given space to the risible Ian Duncan Smith, a failed Tory leader.  IDS' opinion reminds us how lucky we were to be spared his presence in Downing Street.

He repeats the now-customary jibe that judges are unelected. Of course they are, but then so are brain surgeons and airline captains, and we expect and receive a professional and disciplined service from them. Electing judges would fatally damage the public's confidence in the judiciary's utter impartiality.

We are blessed with a judiciary that is incorruptible, and that is why many foreign litigants choose to have their cases heard in London.

All judges and magistrates take the same judicial oath:-

 “I, _________ , do swear by Almighty God that I will well and truly serve our Sovereign Lady Queen Elizabeth the Second in the office of ________ , and I will do right to all manner of people after the laws and usages of this realm, without fear or favour, affection or ill will.”

That's good enough for me.