Products I’ve made up for the sheer giddy thrill of it include Total Farage Plus, which skilfully Photoshops the Ukip leader into whatever you’re looking at

This week it’s the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, an annual opportunity for tech companies to unveil their latest gizmos during January’s traditional slow news week, thereby picking up precious coverage that might otherwise be spent detailing something – anything – more important than an egg whisk with a USB port in the side.

At the time of writing, the show is yet to kick off, although some of the offerings have already been unveiled – such as “Belty”, the world’s first “smart belt”, which monitors your waistline and tells you when it’s time to lose weight, just like a mirror or a close friend might. More excitingly, it adjusts to your girth (again, like a close friend might), and will tighten or loosen itself according to your current level of blubber. No word yet on whether it’s possible to pop a Belty round your neck and order it to squeeze you into the afterlife, but there’s no reason they can’t incorporate that feature in Belty 2.0, except maybe on basic ethical, moral and humanitarian grounds.

Researchers have created a version of Mario that experiences basic emotions – now he needs a purpose that affects the real world

• It’s-a-me, Mario! And soon I’ll be playing my games without your help …

January is traditionally a fairly sleepy month, current affairs-wise, but a horrified gawp at the news confirms that 2015 has already had one heck of a morning. Clearly it takes a lot to knock a garish underage sex allegation involving Prince Andrew off the news agenda, but the Parisian terror attacks managed it, partly because the horror of it all warranted such blanket coverage, but also because the resulting conversation about freedom of speech is taking up so many column inches, there’s scarcely room to run anything else. There hasn’t been this much furious debate about the merits of a cartoon since the introduction of Scrappy Doo.

(Fun imaginary scenario: in a bid to revive their flagging ratings, ITV launch a live, feelgood Saturday night version of Celebrity Pictionary. But chaos ensues when Paddy McGuinness pulls the first card from the deck to discover it requires him to sketch the Prophet Muhammad.)

The prime minister has refused to go head-to-head with Ed Miliband – and the multi-party debate we are getting will be a 90-minute cry for help on behalf of the democratic system

Last week, Germany chose its entry for this year’s Eurovision: Heart of Stone, performed by Andreas Kümmert, former winner of the German version of The Voice (which is known as The Voice of Germany in its native country, rather than Die Stimme von Deutschland. Presumably the producers didn’t want to put viewers off by making it sound too German).

After wailing his guts out and winning the public vote, Kümmert abruptly announced, on live TV, that he didn’t actually want to “do” Eurovision after all, and awarded his “prize” to the runner-up instead. A chorus of boos broke out. German boos. Buhen.

For somebody who did less for Britain than, say, Olly Murs, we’re making a dreadful fuss of our late monarch

Who’s your favourite dead king? For me it’s a toss-up between King Henry VIII (likes: Greensleeves, beheadings) and Nat King Cole (likes: chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose). Those are definitely my top two.

Below them, there’s King Kong, King George III, Good King Wenceslas, and about 500 other assorted types of king before you get to Richard III. Never warmed to him. Don’t know why. I’ve just never really been into Richard III. Maybe it’s his Savile-esque haircut, or the fact that his name is widely used as rhyming slang for fecal matter, or just the way he’s routinely depicted as a murderous, scheming cross between Mr Punch and Quasimodo; a panto villain with nephews’ blood on his hands.

What sort of person can’t decide who to vote for, but can rate how much they like whatever they’re hearing out of five, and wants to sit there tapping a button accordingly?

As the general election scuttles closer, the campaign grows more confusing by the moment, so it’s good that last week’s seven-way leaders’ debate brought some much-needed mayhem to the situation. Not so long ago we were bemoaning the lack of choice in a two-party system. Now we’ve got option paralysis.

It had its moments. Nigel Farage complained about foreigners with HIV who enter Britain and immediately start wolfing down expensive medicine: greedy as well as sick. You’d think Farage might welcome immigrants with grave illnesses on the basis that they’re less likely to hang around as long, but apparently not. Say what you like about him – say it, write it down, daub it in 3ft-high cherry-red letters up the side of a prominent overpass on his regular commute if you must – but it’s undeniably refreshing to see a politician determined to speak his mind, indifferent to the absurd constraints of spin or basic human empathy. Never mind HIV sufferers – how much is Britain spending on refugees with cancer? Maybe he could put that statistic on a sandwich board and patrol the country in it, perhaps while ringing a bell and loudly commanding passersby to picture a nation under his command.

We’ve had the bloodletting of the Ed Wedding. Now we’ve got the full-fat Tory government that virtually no one predicted

It was supposed to be more complicated. After the vote, they said we’d have to get out the constitutional slide rule to try to work out who’d won. The Wikipedia entry on “minority government” experienced a huge spike in traffic. There were more bitter arguments about legitimacy than five seasons of Jeremy Kyle. Everyone agreed the election would herald the gravest constitutional crisis since the abdication, or that time Jade Goody slagged off Shilpa Shetty on Big Brother. Many said Ed Miliband was certain to become prime minister.

Yep. That’s what they said.

The Black Mirror creator invents exciting products to transform your life – from the workout that makes you feel like a saint to the world’s cleverest toilet

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but happiness is in sharp decline. Many people blame technology for our woes, and it’s not hard to see why. The internet is nothing but deranged screeching and fascist memes sitting atop a plateau of moldering desperation masquerading as ironic meaninglessness. No one has smiled in real life since 2011. But wait! Silicon Valley is waking up to the negative effect its products can have on us, and like the good Samaritans they are, they’re unveiling a whole new range of products aimed at making us feel good about ourselves. Here is an exclusive look at just a few of the cool gizmos and rad gadgets due to be unveiled at next year’s CES Consumer Electronics Show and featured in news reports, and then in shops, and then in your house before you even know it.

Jedes Bild ein Hingucker: Hier sind die besten Fotos der vergangenen Tage.

Viele Bluetooth-Kopfhörer liefern gute Klangqualität, sagt Peter Knaak von der Stiftung Warentest. Worauf Sie beim Kauf achten sollten.

Nach der Zwangspause wollen nun viele möglichst schnell wieder fit werden. Doch Mediziner warnen davor, es beim Einstieg zu übertreiben - vor allem nach überstandener Krankheit.

Silke Weitendorf war das erste Mädchen, das in Deutschland Pippi Langstrumpf lesen durfte. Später wurde sie Astrid Lindgrens Verlegerin. Hier erzählt sie, was die Schriftstellerin und ihre berühmteste Figur gemeinsam hatten.

Annalena Baerbock und Robert Habeck warnen vor einem gesellschaftlichen Rückschritt infolge der Coronakrise. Was würden sie tun, wenn sie an der Macht wären?

Das Streamingportal Joyn versucht sich an einem Datingformat: "M.O.M - Milf oder Missy" lässt zwei Männer aus Frauen verschiedenen Alters wählen – und versumpft in faden Klischees. 

Der Kabarettist Sebastian Pufpaff tritt nun notgedrungen ohne Publikum auf. Hier spricht er über die Stille nach der Pointe - und über den Angriff auf das Team der "heute-show".

Auftritte mit spektakulären Illusionen und exotischen Tieren haben das Magierduo Siegfried & Roy weltberühmt gemacht. Nun ist Roy Horn im Alter von 75 Jahren gestorben.

Er gehörte zu den einflussreichsten Musikern in der Frühphase des Rock 'n' Roll, inspirierte die Beatles und Elvis Presley. Nun ist der US-Sänger Little Richard mit 87 Jahren gestorben.

In den Vorständen deutscher Firmen sitzen kaum Frauen - und deshalb fehle "eine Instanz für Zweifel", sagt die neue Wirtschaftsweise Monika Schnitzer. Männer unter sich einigten sich leichter auf "eine genehme Sicht der Dinge".

Erstmals hat sich das Bundesverfassungsgericht gegen den Europäischen Gerichtshof gestellt. EU-Kommissionspräsidentin Ursula von der Leyen prüft nun ein Vertragsverletzungsverfahren gegen Deutschland.

Sie hatten den europaweit härtesten Corona-Lockdown. Wie sich die erste Woche der "Phase 2" in Italien anfühlt, beschreibt unser SPIEGEL-Korrespondent vor Ort.

"Stoppt Gates", "Legt den Maulkorb ab", "Widerstand": In mehreren deutschen Städten haben Bürger gegen die Corona-Beschränkungen protestiert. Auf Abstandsregeln nahmen nicht alle Rücksicht.

An American woman goes to the police in Las Vegas. She claims she has been raped by an athlete: global football star Cristiano Ronaldo. What really happened has never been resolved because lawyers settled the case with a payment of $375,000 by the Real Madrid star. By SPIEGEL Staff

Community gardeners and other activists in Berlin are helping the Transition movement to take root in the German capital as part of its worldwide campaign for a sustainable society.

An animated reality check of the man who claims to be the greatest U.S. president ever.

British pop singer Morrissey has accused DER SPIEGEL of falsely quoting him in a recently published interview. The magazine stands behind its reporting and has made the decision to post the audio online in response.

Canadian accident investigator Larry Vance claims to have solved the mystery of the disappearance of Malaysia Airlines Flight MH370. In an interview, he explains why he believes the plane's captain deliberately ditched the aircraft.

Christine Simon-Noll is active helping refugees in Hamburg's HafenCity neighborhood. She says it is getting much tougher to find volunteers. In an interview, she outlines what needs to happen in order to ensure successful integration.

Joint activities, joint projects and improved cooperation: SPIEGEL ONLINE and SPIEGEL WISSEN are looking for the best ideas for creating a vibrant neighborhood. Send us your proposal by August 31!

Waffles for everybody, a children's hotel, a community beer garden: We have narrowed down the Social Design Award submissions to a shortlist of 10. Which one is your favorite? It's time to submit your vote for the Audience Award.

A DER SPIEGEL reporter committed large-scale journalistic fraud over several years. Internal clues and research have provided significant evidence against reporter Claas Relotius, who has since admitted to the falsifications and is no longer employed by DER SPIEGEL. Other media organizations may also have been affected.

Claas Relotius wrote many seemingly excellent feature stories for DER SPIEGEL, but unfortunately most of them apparently contain fabricated passages. We are sorry about what has happened and we are investigating with the requisite humility.

Claas Relotius, the DER SPIEGEL journalist outed this week for churning out fraudulent stories, wrote for the magazine about the U.S. town of Fergus Falls. Two locals fact-checked his reporting, and their verdict is devastating -- a perfect example of how DER SPIEGEL's editorial safeguards failed.

Astronomer Avi Loeb believes that the interstellar object dubbed 'Oumuamua could actually be a probe sent by alien beings. Given the evidence that has so far been gathered, he says, it is a possible conclusion to draw.

As the flames shot out of the roof of Notre Dame de Paris on Monday evening, a global community of concern quickly formed. It shows that the idea of cultural heritage is much more than just a UNESCO list.

New forms of living, new ideas for cohabitation, new architecture: For the Social Design Award, we are looking for the best projects and ideas for neighborhood-oriented living models. The winner will receive 2,500 euros.

Why did the 14-year-old football prodigy Thierno Ballo transfer from Bayer Leverkusen to the amateur club Viktoria Köln? He was apparently parked there as part of a contract with FC Chelsea.

Rui Pinto is the whistleblower behind Football Leaks and has been in jail in Portugal for months. In an interview, his lawyer William Bourdon talks about how his client is doing and what he is doing to get Pinto out of prison.

The London-based company Sidefloor was part of the tax-evasion structure for which Lionel Messi and his father Jorge were convicted. Now it has been revealed that FC Barcelona spent years paying agent fees to this letterbox company, payments apparently destined for Jorge Messi.

In an interview, 17-year-old American pop star Billie Eilish discusses the stress of fame, a time she feared was a never-ending black hole and the best coping mechanism.

Maria Sharapova effortlessly managed to combine her life as a tennis player with that of a superstar. With the announcement of her retirement, we take a look back at her career.

Guest Post: Learn how to use Linux command line to investigate suspicious processes trying to masquerade as kernel threads.

Guest Post: High precision time measurements depend on using multiple clocks to ensure redundancy and stability.

Guest Post: We are currently living in a world of eroding trust and it is time to rethink what, and how we trust.

Guest Post: XDP allows you to build a high-performance peering router using just Linux, while leveraging various open-source routing daemons.

Guest Post: SRv6 enables you to code directly into each packet header where the traffic should be sent and how it should be treated.

Guest Post: The most essential part of deploying DNSSEC was to understand what it is and how it works.

It’s fine to do this for experiments, but for BGP route filtering?

Guest Post: IPv6 network periphery is a new term to describe newly measured intricacies of IPv6 CPE and routers at the edge.

Need help with setting up your network to allow your remote employees to access internal business services securely?

Guest Post: As of 2019, Segment Routing over IPv6 data plane (SRv6) has been deployed in eight large-scale networks; supported more than 25 hardware implementations at line rate; and implemented in 11 open-source platforms/applications.

Amid the current public health crisis, hospitals and grocery stores have a growing demand for more security personnel. The guards will help to limit access to buildings -- and stop possible fights over goods.