WE'RE living in strange times all right. But the weird world of Covid isolation took on a dreamlike quality for me and Richard the week before last. That was when we filmed our week-long series about lockdown reading for Channel 4, five shows which were broadcast this week from our living room.

PROFESSOR Neil "do as I say, not as I do" Ferguson has had a bad week, which he brought entirely on himself.

Kat (Monday's letters) the pedants' plural for the octopus is 'octopodes' since the word is of Ancient Greek rather than Latin origin - this is why the pedants' word for 'Latin name' for a species is 'scientific name', since not all species names are in Latin. For regular folk ˜octopuses" are perfectly acceptable; this also avoids invoking James Bond film titles. Pedants may wish to note that Octopussy wasn't a James Bond book title in itself... I could go on; the world of the pedant is a Mandelbrotian nightmare. I'll get my anorak.
Duncan, Hurstpierpoint

Kat, (Monday's letters)
modern dictionaries say 'octopuses' or 'octopi' are acceptable, but marine biologists prefer 'octopodes'. Although quite how you could make something of that in Scrabble, I have no idea...
Fee Lock, Hastings, East Sussex

Re: Iron Lady's passing. Handbags at half mast today.
Candace, New Jersey, US

To Rob Falconer (Monday's letters), I don't know why you're worrying about that rabbit eating 50 quids worth of lettuce and carrots or whatever. He'll still have three quid left over for frivolities such as visiting the Bunny Club.
Emigrant, Marseille, France

Kat, actually it's octopodes as the root word is Greek (eight-footed) not Latin. Yours in Pedantry.
Heather Simmons, Champaign, Illinois, USA

I'm aware that Lady Thatcher is dead, but the Magazine Monitor is more important.
Rob Mimpriss, Bangor, Wales

Oh, poor PM. I recommend a nice cup of hot cocoa, some biscuits, and a good thoughtless movie on the telly. Maybe an early bedtime, too.
Dragon, Concord, Calif, US

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Margaret Thatcher's ability to kick off what Mrs Merton used to call a heated debate, is apparent on today's front pages.

The Sun has commissioned a poll of Britain's favourite prime ministers. "Maggie wins again!" it cries. Margaret Thatcher pushes Churchill into second place, and Clement Attlee can only manage 5%, behind Tony Blair and Harold Wilson.

In the YouGov poll of 1,893 adults, poor old Ted Heath and David Cameron finish with nil points. Pitt the younger doesn't get a look in either although that's because the poll confines itself to post-war leaders.

The Times strikes a conciliatory note. "Royal respect as Queen leads Thatcher mourners." The paper says that whatever misgivings the Queen may have had about Thatcherism have been put to one side. "The conjecture that the Queen was fundamentally opposed to much of what her longest-serving prime minister stood for will be forgotten in the significance of the moment."

"Operation True Blue: Thatcher funeral in security clampdown," warns the Guardian about fears that the funeral service may foment civic unrest and terrorist attacks.

The ipaper risks not only spreading alarm and confusion but enraging pedants. "Britain at war over Thatcher funeral". Erm, tanks on the streets, pitched battles? Oh, not literally.

The Daily Mirror goes in hard but with better grammar. "The £10m goodbye. Why is Britain's most divisive Prime Minister getting a ceremonial funeral fit for a Queen?"

It may not come as a total surprise to find that the Daily Mail is angry. Very angry. "The flames of hatred: 30 years of Left wing loathing for Lady T explodes in sick celebrations of her death." (There's also a medium range ballistic missile launched from page 10 at the good people of this parish...)

The Daily Telegraph tries to calm things down. "No gushing hysteria, just quiet, dignified respect" is the headline over Michael Deacon's report from Finchley, the Iron Lady's constituency for 33 years. A local recalls how she had a soft spot for a bar called Cheers.

"She would pop in and have a drink. Denis would have gin and tonic and I think she would have a glass of wine...She was very approachable and friendly." It's cosy and sepia tinted, like the credits of Coronation Street relocated to prosperous middle class suburbia.

But amidst all the gentle colour, the writer can't resist one pot shot at those celebrating Thatcher's death. "For those who insist that Left-wing ideology is motivated above all by compassion for others, this must be a difficult week." Ouch!

Which leaves one paper not doing Thatcher on its front page. Come in Daily Express, your taste for bathos knows no bounds. (Yes, even the Daily Star splashes on the funeral costs). "Gel to wipe out arthritic pain" runs the headline.

And on that bombshell...

Duncan: "Pedants may wish to note that Octopussy wasn't a James Bond book title in itself"
No, but it was itself in a James Bond book title: "Octopussy and the Living Daylights", a book of (two) short stories by Ian Fleming published posthumously.
Goldfinger, London

Duncan (Tuesday's letters) - surely that should be "species' names"? I'll get my apostrophe.
David, Cardiff, South Wales

Fee - look for lots of space when your opponent plays "pod", and hope you have the right letters.
Mark, Banbury, Oxon

Really, it's their own fault for delaying this so long - had they done it earlier, there'd be less history to teach.
MK, Reading

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Sometimes an incongruous detail is all you need for a great story. Like putting Madonna and Gary Neville in the same headline.

"Madonna's very rude...Gary Neville has equally dazzling stature but better manners", goes the Daily Mirror headline.

The story is badged "It's Official" suggesting there may be an element of tongue in cheek. As might the picture of Neville wearing an England tracksuit, captioned "Dazzler", on one side of the page with Madge in a Panama hat on the other.

The paper reports that the Malawian government made an "astonishing attack" on the US artiste after she visited her charity in the southern African country last week.

The reason for the spat remains vague. The paper reports that she was "left fuming after being snubbed by president Joyce Banda and having to queue with economy passengers at the airport as she flew out of the capital Lilongwe".

The government statement accuses her of wanting Malawi "to be for ever chained to the obligation of gratitude".

Other papers note though that the government diatribe follows the sacking of the president's sister as head of Raising Malawi, Madonna's charity there.

But the story's real joy is in the ill-assorted mix of celebs the government lists.

"It is worth making her aware that Malawi has hosted many international stars, including Chuck Norris, Bono, David James, Rio Ferdinand and Gary Neville who have never demanded state attention or decorum despite their equally dazzling stature."

Paper Monitor guesses that the Mirror subs had a little chat about which of the three footballers to pair with Madge in the headline.

Which would jar most incongruously next to the "Queen of Pop"? Somehow, ineffably, Gary Neville wins every time.

It's the Caption Competition.

Caption competition is now closed. Full rules can be seen here [PDF].

This week, a new look is unveiled.

6. trisarahtops:
Catwalk face-off

5. StoneyMast:
We come, with our new look, in peace. Take me to your leader

4. George Huber:
Mannequin Skywalker

3. abz:
Terracotta Armani

2. Fi:
After 35 years, someone finally designed a collection to cover Morph's modesty...

1. SkarloeyLine:
Eighth new social class discovered - the faceless minority

Mark (Wednesday's Letters) - Fee can get her octopodes after the opponent plays to,top,op,po, pod,od,de,ode,odes or es. I'll get my tiles.
Steve, Southampton

I was out by one! When, on Monday, I saw the published letter on octopodes which said, and I quote, "octopuses (octopi?)", my first thought was "Ooh! That person really needs to know the correct plural of octopus! Somebody well-informed on such important matters had better write in and tell them. I'll do it." But I was busy, so I didn't. Instead, I mulled the matter over and came to the conclusion that you, Magazine Monitor, deliberately published that letter knowing that it would be extremely provoking to many of your readers, and that you would get a mailbag stuffed to the electronic gills with letters giving the proper plural form of the word. I then guessed that you would publish four of them.
P.S. Duncan's was my favourite.
James, Stockport

Dutch horse or Malian camel?
Martin, Luxembourg

How sad the Dutch didn't take warning - one of the companies behind the current meat scandal is in the town of Oss.
Rahere, Smithfield

The new Galaxy Mega phone appears to be displaying a weather forecast of a sunny 25 degrees for London on Tuesday April 30th. That must be almost as optimistic as the idea of getting a 6.3inch phone in your trouser pocket.
Simon, Cambridge

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

If you're a woman, it may be worth reading the Times before getting dressed this morning.

The paper reports how Professor Jean-Denis Rouillon, an academic at the University Hospital of Besancon in eastern France, has broken the post-war consensus.

Bras may not be necessary for holding up breasts. Or "norks" as Carol Midgley calls them in her commentary.

The Frenchman tracked 320 women's breasts over 15 years. I'll bet he did, a wag might mutter.

"Our first results validate the hypothesis that the bra is a false need," the professor says, adopting a most unpage 3 lexicon.

"Medically, physiologically and anatomically, the breast derives no benefit from being deprived of gravity. If it is, the tissues that support it are going to decline and the breast will progressively suffer damage."

Prof Rouillon is not one to shirk the detail. He notes that after a year of not wearing a bra, the nipples of women aged between 18 and 35 rose by 7mm on average.

Older and underweight women might need a bra but for the young it could be damaging, he argues in a technocratic idiom that comes naturally to a Francophone scientist.

"If a woman puts on a bra when her breasts first appear, the suspensory apparatus does not work properly and tissues of the bra distend."

It's left to Midgely to shoot his theory down with some anecdotal evidence of a less professorial tone. "Going without them gives you backache, a dowager's hump and the impression that two labrador puppies are tussling under your jumper."

Paper Monitor, who cannot confirm or deny the presence of a bra about its person, is keeping an open mind until Monsieur Rouillon's full research is published.

Re: labrador puppies tussling under one's jumper. Running does, however, have a synchronising effect on those puppies. The scientific question then becomes a problem of clockwise or anti-clockwise motion.
Candace, New Jersey, US

"Jam firm given permission to spread"? So what else are you supposed to do with it? Fire it off your spoon like a trebuchet? Sheesh!
Fi, Gloucestershire, UK

I could point out that 50,000 tons of meat is equivalent to about two thirds of the London bus fleet but that doesn't help very much. 50,000 tons of meat is one dodgy quarter-pounder for every EU citizen.
David Richerby, Liverpool, UK

Great. As if we weren't already being forced to hear people chatting on their mobiles in public too much. Now we're going to have to put up with mega-phones.
Dave, Truro

There IS a God!
Angus Gafraidh, London UK

Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience

1. Tears do not fall in space.
More details (Daily Telegraph)

2. Employees who install new web browsers on their computers perform better on average than those who use the default pre-installed browser that came with their machine.
More details (The Economist)

3. Methane eating micro-organisms carry out a deep clean of the oceans after an oil spill.
More details

4. Scientists are conducting searches for signs of extraterrestrial engineering.
More details (New Scientist)

5. The most popular place to hide valuables is a sock drawer.
More details (Daily Telegraph)

6. Fractions of virtual currency Bitcoin are known as satoshis.
More details (The Economist)

7. People in China hold "fake funerals" for themselves, so they can "enjoy" the day.
More details (Metro)

8. Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak belonged to a group of hackers and hobbyists called the Homebrew Computer Club.
More details

9. Brains can be rendered transparent.
More details (Smithsonian Magazine)

10. Countries with the death penalty are now outnumbered by about five to one, by those who have abolished it.
More details (Guardian)

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

The electronic Daily Telegraph is now behind a paywall. Paper Monitor has effected an old-school breach of that wall - buying a copy of the actual paper.

It's almost like going undercover. Reading an actual paper edition of a newspaper.

Page two has the gratifying news that Carol Vorderman's nose is better. She fell down and broke it. She did not have a nose job. That was speculation.

Page six reveals that cheats in school games are copying footballers. For clarity, in Telegraphland a common equation is footballers=bad.

But you have to wait until page 11 for the really serious news.

"Here's to you, Mrs Robinson. Why more 40-somethings are dating younger men".

That's the headline. And there's a massive picture of Helen McCrory. Massive.

The anchor on the same page is Catherine Deneuve saying flat shoes are sexier than "twisted" and impossible high heels.

Further on there's a leader. It quotes the Song of Solomon.

Oh, to wear one's erudition so lightly.

Vodafone making bird-brained decisions like usual.
Chris Malton, Southampton, UK

Re this story: It calls to mind Mario Balotelli's reply when police questioned why he had £5,000 in cash on his person - "Because I am rich".
AD, London

Streetview, Pot, Kettle, Black.
Andrew, Malvern, UK

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

There's crime stories. And then there's quirky crime stories.

The Daily Telegraph headline gives you a clue that this is a nice, light story about how crime doesn't pay.

"Happiness is... a burglar wasting three days for pouch of tobacco."

The ne'er-do-well spent three nights chiselling away at the wall of Medway Motorcycles in Rochester to make a hole big enough to squeeze into. Finally he breached the 2ft-thick wall. The high performance bikes were to be his. And then he realised he'd forgotten about the alarm.

"One false move towards the bikes would have sent the alarm ringing," the paper reports. "So the thief crept up to the first floor instead, looking for items to steal."

In the end he left with just a packet of rolling tobacco worth £3.

"When I got here the next morning the place was in a right state but all I can see he has nicked is my Golden Virginia," the owner says.

The proprietor's surname is Eastwood. If only he'd caught the burglar in the act.

Imagine the scene, burglar holding the Golden Virginia, Eastwood - first name Jez but we'll gloss over that - reaching for his pretend, concealed .44 Magnum: "You've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?"

It took Paper Monitor a while to work out the happiness allusion of the headline.

A clue - it depends how many TV ads you remember from the 1980s that used Bach's Air on a G string to conjure up plumes of sensuous tobacco smoke. Answers to the usual place.

Considering what a superlative conductor of electricity gold is, I do believe that Datta Phuge has become the world's most expensive lightning rod.
roarshock, Oregon, USA

I just want to clear up any confusion regarding this story "Narrow Swindon alleyway painted with double yellow lines". This is an art installation and is a project on my media studies course. I'll get my paint brush.
Graham, Hayle, Cornwall

Andrew, Malvern, I knew I should have closed the curtains when the car drove past. Now everyone knows the colours of my kitchenware!
Darren, Birmingham

Re: tobacco memories. My grandfather regularly fielding calls at his corner grocery asking "Do you have Prince Albert in a can?"
Candace, New Jersey, US

Re: the story on Liberace. He was gay? Honestly? Well I would never have thought it. While the revelation floodgates have been opened - d'you have you any clues to the religious leanings of the Pope?
Ted Rodgers, Cheshire

A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Hair we go again. Sorry, Paper Monitor couldn't resist.

Yes, it's another hair story, and yes, there's a picture of Jennifer Aniston.

This time, however, the Daily Mail reports that the Friends star has finally fallen out of favour. At least, her hairstyle has anyway.

It says a survey on the best onscreen hairstyles reveals her locks are no longer the most influential.

"Sorry, Jen... Anne's top of the crops," is its headline, revealing that Anne Hathaway's crowning glory has outshone the competition.

The elfin cut was first sported in the 2011 adaptation of David Nicholls's hit novel One Day. But it was her Oscar-winning turn in Les Miserables, as Fantine, which saw her cut it off for an extended period.

The actress was said to be "inconsolable" after the chop so it's quite a turnaround.

For those interested in which other celebrities made the cut, Miss Aniston's long curly style in Along Came Polly was in second place. And Audrey Hepburn's "up do" from 1963 film Charade in third.

This is our last entry on this page.

Just as Monitor Towers has moved, so the Monitor itself is relocating to a new home, with a fresh format.

Visit our new page to keep up with Paper Monitor, Caption Competition, your letters and some other things too.

This version of the Monitor will no longer be updated, but it will remain here for posterity.

You might like to follow the Magazine on Facebook and Twitter to keep up to date with offerings from the Monitor.

Includes wrestling regionals, girls swimming sectionals, boys & girls basketball

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Includes boys basketball

Includes boys and girls basketball

Boys basketball scores

Boys basketball scores

High School Results, February 27

Includes baseball,softball and boys track

Includes baseball, softball, boys golf,girls lacrosse, girls tennis

High school results for April 22

Results of high school sports action

High school sports results for May 5, 2015.

Includes baseball, softball, boys golf, boys lacrosse, girls tennis and boys volleyball

High School Results, May 7

This year, I am currently making over $12,000 less a year then I was supposed to when I was hired in 2004, a letter to the editor says.

Right now there is an epidemic of suicides and opioid overdoses, on top of the unacceptably high murder rate in the city, a letter to the editor says.

Education is the smartest investment an individual or a society can make, a letter to the editor says.

In this materialistic culture, this holiday stands alone as a time to reflect on the blessings we've been given by God, a letter to the editor says.

If used properly and regulated in a reasonable fashion, vape technology can have a positive public health impact

Carmel is spending too much taxpayer money building expensive roundabouts when simpler ones would be enough, a letter to the editor says.

The best way for Indiana to continue its momentum and move forward is with Holcomb's leadership, a letter to the editor says.

Half of Americans do not vote, and many choose not to stay politically informed because the display can be infuriating, a letter to the editor says.

We need to educate ourselves and then trust the process the framers' included in the Constitution, a letter to the editor says.

The interstates were a disaster with snow more than 3 inches deep in places, a letter to the editor says.

Trump will fade into history, but his legacy and the failure of leadership in Congress will long be remembered, a letter to the editor says.

In 2019, we connected young people to shelter, food, counseling, a non-judgmental listening ear and more, a letter to the editor says.

Everywhere I look I see the most heinous and immoral acts.

We have not kept up, and we are losing a generation of teachers.

The alarming rise of anti-Semitism in this country and other parts of the world is completely unacceptable, a letter to the editor says.

'Thank God we have a president in office with a backbone.'

Our leaders need to get back to the roles they were elected to and stop playing politics, a letter to the editor says.

Future authorizations must be limited in scope and duration so that wars can no longer be waged endlessly without public deliberation, a letter says.