I’ve been following the press and social media coverage of Apple’s pricey new Vision Pro Augmented Reality headset, which now totals hundreds of stories and thousands of comments and I’ve noticed one idea missing from all of them: what would Steve (Jobs) say?  Steve would call the Vision Pro a “hobby,” just as he did with the original Apple TV. You know I’m correct about this. And the fact that Apple hasn’t gone for the H-word and no other writers are suggesting it is the topic of this column, not the Vision Pro, itself. It would appear that nobody at Apple has the balls to call the Vision Pro a hobby, which is to say it is not expected to make a profit for the […]

В дни предсезонных тестов, которые сейчас проходят в Испании, заводская команда Maserati представила свою новую машину, получившую название Tipo Folgore...

I've kind of been ignoring this blog for a while. That's nothing new... there have been multi-year periods with no posts. I'm still writing stuff...

Dark Horse Comics has announced a six-volume Madman Omnibus release featuring Michael Allred's classic character, slated for release in 2025.

Dylan Mars Greenberg crafts a homegrown fantasia of magic, action, and anti-conservative provocation.

Due to demand from vendors, The Brooklyn Independent Comics Showcase (BICS) is going to a two day show in 2025

The figures are in for U.S. auto sales in 2010. The biggest winners in percentage growth were Hyundai, at 24%, and Ford at 20%. Toyota lost .4% and Honda grew a mediocre 7%. The Japanese struggled in 2010.

Earlier we wrote a blog about Ford’s ascendency and Toyota’s problems (see Blog HERE). Toyota is paying the price for failing its customers. Honda appears to be getting painted with the “failure” brush, though I doubt its punishment is deserved.

I am actually using the word “fail” to mean something specific here. A company fails its customers when it is unable or unwilling to do something that at least half of its competitors can, or will, do for customers. Toyota’s troubles with accelerators, floor mats, and so forth, received extensive media coverage. This coverage clearly has had a negative impact on Toyota this year.

Toyota’s struggles illustrate the win and fail dynamic. In our terms, a “win” occurs when a company is able to do something that the majority of its competitors either can not or will not do. Wins account for a good deal of market share growth in a fast-growing market, but are less important in more mature markets. In a more mature Stable market and, especially, in all Hostile markets, failure moves a significant amount of market share.

Here is what this means. The decision to change a supplier is really two decisions. The first is the decision to leave a current supplier and the second is the decision on which new supplier to take on in your relationship. In the average Stable and Hostile marketplace, more market share moves on failure than on wins. This means that before an established customer will change suppliers, its current incumbent supplier must “fail” the relationship in some way. This failure, then, opens up the customer’s relationship to competition among other potential suppliers. Whichever supplier gains this customer’s volume really did so only after the incumbent failed. We call this gain a “weak win.” The “weak win” would not have happened on a straight-up comparison of performance and price of the new supplier versus the old. The gain only happened after the incumbent clearly failed the customer and then opened the relationship to someone new.

Toyota’s failure was largely a failure of Reliability. It clearly lost share. The companies that gained this share from Toyota, Ford and Hyundai among them, enjoyed some degree of a “weak win” in the domestic automobile market. They may have “won” market share as well, but my guess is that most of their share gains from Toyota fell to them from Toyota’s “failure.”

How to build muscle and loose fat at the same time.

By: Tim Ernst

Is it possible to gain muscle while at the same time loose fat? Some argue that you either have to do one or the other. I'm here to tell you that it is possible, but the secret is all about nutrient timing.

There are certain times of the day when you want to be in a caloric surplus. The only way to build muscle is to be in a caloric surplus and the only way to loose fat is to be in a caloric deficit. How do you do both at the same time?

Research shows that your most optimal time for muscle growth is what you consume after your workout. If you are not consuming enough calories after your workout, then you are just wasting your time.

Here is an example on how to start your day.

8:00 am: Low-carb protein shake with a greens product.

10:30 am: 2eggs plus 4 whites scrambled with cheese, spinach, onions, peppers, and mushrooms.

1:00 pm: 2 oz of dry roasted nuts.

3:00 pm: Chicken Breast with sweet potato or brown rice.

5:00 pm (workout) Consume your a favorite pre workout shake if you want for energy but, it's not necessary.

5:30 pm 30 minutes into your workout consume a high carb drink like Karbolyn, Power Carb, or Vitargo.

5:45 pm (immediately post-workout): quickly digested protein/carb beverage.

6:15pm: 2 oz of pasta (dry weight); 4 oz of Ground Turkey mixed with egg whites.; 2 slices of 12-grain bread; package of broccoli or green beans.

7:45 pm: 1 cup brown rice, cous cous, or quinoa 4 oz of chicken breast; 2 slices of 12-grain bread, asparagus.

10:00 pm: Hand full of mixed nuts or avocado and fish oils.

That's it!

Get ready to GROW.

Seeing as no one is doing much traveling these days, I thought it'd be fun to pay a visit with a Strobist reader photographing somewhere far away.

Up for a little Lighting Cookbook field trip to Indonesia? Yeah? Then let's go... Read more »

Whenever you have control over the time of day in which you'll be shooting a location portrait, always remember that the hour that wraps around sunset will offer you at least five different lighting environments in which to work. 

And for today's portrait of birders Jo (left) and Bob Solem, we're going to use three of them. 

Apple’s new AirTags are a straight-up gift for photographers. After testing one for the past couple of weeks, I’ll be hiding an AirTag in my scooter, one in my car and another one in my camera bag.
Read more »

When lighting with small subjects, a speedlight is generally all you’ll ever need. Further, because of the scale and distances involved, even with a small flash you’ll be working at low power settings.

For these photos of some of the resident animals at the Howard County Conservancy, we used a single speedlight generally at one-eighth power, and let the environment of the impromptu studio to the rest of the heavy lifting for light modification.
Read more »

 
You need for supplies is met here!

Guilt is the lazy way out of remorse.

You keep beating yourself up for something you've done, something in the past.

Doesn't sound fun!

So why do we keep going there?

Guilt feeds shame. It also feeds on shame.

The more shame is lurking in your subconscious, the more susceptible you are to feeling this dastardly emotion.

You believe that you should feel bad when you make mistakes or do something you wish you didn't. That carries on the shame cycle.

We're already talked about that. But here's what may be the biggest attraction...

Guilt is safe. It's easier than remorse. Remorse gives you power.

But guilt lets you off the hook.

It's easy to feel bad about the past, because then you don't have to change anything -- after all, you can't change the past! Instead of looking to how you can do better in the future, you cling to the misery of what you did before.

It's an indulgence. It's like eating watching TV instead of going for a walk. In the moment, it may feel like the best thing, but it doesn't serve you. It doesn't strengthen you. It weakens you!

Remorse is empowering. It gives you power over your life. Guilt makes you a helpless victim ... of yourself.

Others assign you guilt as you're growing up, and then you learn to do it to yourself. Feeling guilty makes you a victim of others, long after they're no longer in your life.

But only you can choose remorse. No one can force it on you. It's an expression of true ethics -- your own inner knowing of what is right action and what is not.

This is why remorse is empowering.

Which is more fun, in the long run: empowerment or victimisation?

Where remorse is productive, guilt is only destructive.

Guilt destroys your ... compassion for yourself, self-respect, self-worth, empowerment, and happiness.And it leads you to hurt others in a similar way. If you're going to suffer guilt, you want to make sure others suffer it too!

In every way, guilt decreases the well-being of the world.

You can't afford to indulge yourself in guilt and shame any more! They are hugely destructive. In the 2012 Transition that we're going through, forgiveness is much more powerful and productive.

Remorse is the advanced version, the 21st Century option. Remorse is a positive emotion because ... It allows you compassion for not being perfect It holds open the door to being an even better you It inspires and encourages you to do better It focuses on the future, on how you can be more of who you want to be It gives you back power over your life

With Bright Blessings

Although often confused with guilt and shame, remorse is actually a much higher calibrating "emotion." It's the 21st Century alternative to feeling bad about yourself, and making others around you feel bad too.

It not only feels better and helps you move forward in your life, but it is healing for the Earth... and as we ride the 2012 Transition, Mother Earth needs all the help we can give her!

This article explains how it works, and why you are worthy of forgiveness.

Remorse is a method to heal yourself, and others, after making a mistake.

After all, anything that brings a feeling of remorse is a mistake -- just a mistake. Did you know that's the origin of the word "sin"? "Sin" was an archery term; it means missing the mark. That leaves a lot more possibility for positive growth, doesn't it!

So you don't need to berate yourself for eternity. There is nothing to berate yourself for if you didn't know any better, or if you did the best you could.

And I believe we always do the best we can, with what we have in the moment.

We're not perfect. Sometimes we do things we're not proud of. But, in the moment, that was undoubtedly the best that we could do.

Maybe you gave in to your meaner impulses. If you could have held yourself to a higher ideal in that moment, you would have done so. What would you have to gain, by not?

Maybe you didn't know how to do better. You can only work with what you know.

God does not expect you to know what you do not yet know!

For whatever reason -- fatigue, stress, anxiety, confusion, distraction, etc -- maybe you didn't do the best you hoped for. Maybe it wasn't as good as you could have done another day.

But you obviously did the best you could in that moment.

Why would anyone do less than that?

God doesn't need you to burn in hell for it, not even the hell of your own harsh thoughts. She only wants you to learn from the process, and to use it to grow. That's what remorse is all about.

There are four parts to the process of remorse.

The first part is a pang in your Heart. There is an energy there, call it an emotion if you like, that signals you are not happy with your actions.

From here, many people get derailed into guilt, instead of continuing the process of remorse.

The second part is the most important, the core of remorse...

You accept that you made a mistake. And you make an unemotional, practical assessment of your actions.

When your actions and choices don't live up to your ideals or ethics... you figure out how you could do better, discover what was moving in you (probably subconsciously) that caused that action, and -- here's the critical bit -- resolve to do better next time.

Remorse is calm and determined. Rather than destroying your self-respect, remorse enhances it. It provides you with the opportunity to grow, to live up to your ideals.

It recognises that within you there is a perfect being, capable of the best.

And that there is always another opportunity to try.

Contrast that with shame, which says that you are worthless and hopeless. There's just nowhere good to go, from there!

Remorse doesn't take the mistake personally. It sees an action as wrong, but not you as a person.

Remorse knows that people can't accurately, honestly be judged in terms of "wrong" and "bad."

The next step is always making amends. You must undo the error, to the best of your ability. And apologise, if it won't make things worse.

We must be clear -- this step has nothing to do with being forgiven by another person. Whether they forgive you or not is about them and their process, and is not about you.

To seek someone's forgiveness when they aren't ready to give it can be a further harm.

You fix the mistake if you can. That is the only purpose of this step.

Inherent in this process is self-forgiveness. You see a mistake, you acknowledge it, you figure out what went wrong, you fix it if you can, and you determine to not make that mistake again.

When you've done all that, forgiveness is a lot easier.

You can forgive yourself, because you know you aren't a bad person who intentionally did wrong... and because you are doing your best not to slip up that way in the future.

No one is perfect. No one is expected, by the Divine, not to make mistakes. On the contrary, that's often how we learn and grow.

That's all the Divine wants of you. Not perfection. But learning and growing from your slip-ups.

So you can accept that you did the best you were able to, at the time. And forgive yourself, for being human and humanly fallible.

If you get stuck in guilt, look for the underlying shame. Shame is like Velcro to guilt. It tells you that you deserve to feel terrible guilt, that you are not worthy of forgiveness or compassion or kindness.

But shame LIES.

You are worthy of forgiveness, because you are not a flawed person.You are Divinity tasting life as a mortal individual -- nothing else.

It doesn't matter what your family or coworkers or boss thinks of you. It doesn't matter how you've been treated by others -- that's nothing to do with YOU, that's all about the (human) blindness of others.

You are infinitely worthy and loveable!

And when others can't see that it's only because they haven't realised that they are infinitely worthy and loveable. When people get tied down, in their minds, into one little frail animal body and one small human life, all kinds of such misconceptions arise!

But it's not the truth.

The truth is that you are eternal -- learning and growing and polishing yourself on challenge after challenge, life after life.

The soul that is truly you is infinitely worthy and Divine. The body and mind you think of as you are only a costume that put on for a while, and then point aside, to go home for dinner and a bath, a good rest, to get up and come play again.

So how do you as a mere mortal forgive yourself?

The same way you forgive anyone... With compassion for your human frailty: you really are doing our best with what you have. With perspective: understanding that this life is a playground and schoolroom, and not the life-or-death struggle it seems. With determination to not make the same mistake again.

With Bright Blessings,

Don't forget your Supplies!

In this post, I aim to explore why I think I am a Pagan.  This post will not define Paganism or Neo-Paganism more generally.  These terms are very broad, and it is beyond my ability to express what is or is not a Pagan or Neo-Pagan experience.

1.  I am Pagan because I believe that the natural world is ensouled.  I can't define the soul or its capacity or limitations, but I experience it all around me.

2.  I believe that the Abrahamic religions do not have a corner on truth and that their most valuable messages evolved from far more ancient insights which continue to be available to all human beings whose minds and hearts are open.

3.   I believe that all thea/ological discourse about the sacred is just folks talking about something they'll never understand.  I can tell you what I think God/ess is all day and night.  I can be as clever and convincing as hell, but it still doesn't amount to a hill of beans.  The Ineffable will be what it will be regardless of my cheek.  We aren't going to expand or limit Divinity whatever we say, think, or believe.  However, when we limit our conceptualization of the Sacred to that which most closely resembles the powerful, the conventional, and the abusive in our society, then we limit who we are and what we might become, and that's a shame.

4.  So-- I believe that we should be mindful and creative with our theo/alogical language and musings to encourage ourselves to grow toward our potential.  I believe that when we speak of "God/dess" we are reflecting our best hopes for ourselves into the Cosmos.  When we dream of divinity, we can either sanctify all the meanness and injustice humanity has already mastered or we can sing out our human potential for brilliance, warmth, diversity, and love.

5.  Language may only be a construct, but what a construct!  What we build with our language is our choice.  I am Pagan because I am playful with spiritual language.  We need to remember that God is not male.  Nor is God white or European or human for that matter.  God is not even "God".  That word too is merely a construct, a symbol, a signifier. Learning to imagine the Divine in many forms, genders, cultures, species, relationships, and concepts reminds me that the Sacred is not one objective thing or person but is manifest in all life and in all times.  It helps me remember that I can find divinity in unexpected people and unexpected places.  It helps me look for the Sacred everywhere and in everybody.

That's about it, I guess.  My Paganism doesn't define whether I believe in God or Goddess or a singular or plural deity.  It doesn't tell me how I should worship or with whom.  Paganism is not what I believe.  It is what I do.  It is a strategy and a discipline.  It is not an answer to my questions about life and death or the nature of the Divine.  It is a pattern of thought and intent that encourages me to continue asking unanswerable questions.  It encourages me to play and think and wonder and to try as hard as ever I can to understand not the Cosmic Mystery, but maybe just the little bit that resides in me and which is mine to share.

Being a relatively visible public Witch, I get plenty of requests for spells, which I politely decline to do. I tell people two things: One is that it's best to create one's own spells rather than have someone else cast them. The other is a caution against performing any magic that would interfere with the free will of another. The exception to that would be a binding of someone else, making them unable to do further harm.

If you believe someone has put a negative spell on you (usually called a hex), here are a few things you can do to protect yourself, and possibly reverse the spell.

First, purify your person. Take a shower, or better yet, soak for a while in hot water containing sea salt, bath salts, or Epsom salts. Allow the salt and water to neutralize any negativity within yourself; think of this as you soak. Let any contamination be washed away with the water spiraling down the drain, out of your house and out of your life. Drink lots of water to wash out your insides. Wash your hair, brush your teeth, put on clean clothes. You may also wish to drink mint tea or another tea that you find refreshing.

Second, purify your dwelling. Dust, sweep, vacuum, tidy up, polish. Air out the rooms. Wash the windows with a mild solution of vinegar and water. This allows purifying sunlight and moonlight to illuminate the room as well as making the glass more reflective to deflect unwanted energies.[1]

Circulate through the rooms where you live with sage or other purifying incense, making sure to fumigate everywhere -- stairways, closets, underneath stairways, basement, attic, garage if attached. If your dwelling is one that you can circumnavigate, you may wish to walk all around the outside of the building wafting this smoke.

Then mix salt and water and sprinkle it around the house. As with the incense, do this around the outside of the home, too, if you can. Be sure to cense and sprinkle all openings to the outside -- doors and windows, of course, but also skylights, electrical outlets, heating vents, chimneys, ventilator hoods, toilets, and sink, tub and shower drains. Also do this to mirrors.

While you're doing these things, speak the words, "With Earth and Water I purify this space," and "with Fire and Air I consecrate this space," because that's exactly what you're doing.[2]

Third, ward your space. If you're the witchy sort, trace a protective pentacle with the salt water on all doors, windows and mirrors. Rosemary grows in abundance where I live, so I like to use a sprig of it to sprinkle the salt water. Then I like to leave rosemary sprigs on all the window sills.

When you've done all these things, take a step back, be very quiet, look around, listen and note how different your space feels to you now.

You may also wish to perform these acts at other places where you spend a lot of time, such as work, if you can.

One last thing you may want to do, although it's not as easy and practical as the rest. You may wish to hang little mirrors in the windows or on the outside of the building to reflect away negativity. The mirrors aren't really necessary; they're just extra insurance, if you will. You should be fine just doing the other things I've recommended.

Now envision yourself within a bubble. Project this bubble around you and around your home. Nothing can pass through the membrane that has not been invited by you. Anything unwelcome bounces off the bubble. Build a strong image of this bubble in your mind. If you have a small object, maybe a clear quartz crystal or a piece of rosemary, that reminds you of this visualization, carry it in your pocket or keep it someplace handy. You can't be expected to hold this image in your consciousness all the time. But if you have this object, then at times when the image has faded and you feel you need to reinforce your working, take it out and look at it and touch it to reawaken your sense of your protective bubble.

As with all magic spells, you needn't stick with the formula offered here. If other ingredients call to you or other actions spring from you, trust your intuition and go with them.

These are my recommendations. For another approach, here's a Lemon UncrossingSpell (to break a curse). I have never tried this so I can offer no assurance of its efficacy.

[1] For a super-duper heavy cleansing of a home, say if you're just moving in after someone else has been living there, and if you have the time, get some dragon's blood incense and burn it on a piece of charcoal in a container left in the bathtub or shower. As soon as you light it, leave and let it fumigate the entire house. You don't want to breathe much of this stuff. Then return a few hours later and open all the windows to let out the dragon's blood fumes.

[2] Some additional things you can do to cleanse a new or dirty home: Walk throughout the rooms with noisemakers, rattles, a drum to frighten off unwanted spirits. Do this before censing and sprinkling. After censing and sprinkling, ring a little bell at the windows and mirrors.

REVISION #1

Dear Query Shark,

I am writing to you seeking representation for my 122,000-word adult fantasy novel THE CROSSOVER.

This is better than the 137K you had the first time, but paring down to under 120K is a good idea.

The last thing you want is an agent seeing the word count and swiping left without reading another word.

When ELENORE and BENAIAH

don't cap character names.

 inadvertently stumble across a portal to another world.

 Elenore just wants to gather evidence of their strange discovery to prove it to her university colleagues.

None of this matters, not really.

The story starts when they arrive in Swordlandia.

Let's refocus to make that clear.

Driven by her curiosity, she

Eleanora and Ben find a portal and of course, they want to see where it leads.

She leads Ben, her horse, and her dog through the portal.

Not to pick nits but did you notice the dog is never mentioned again?

Having your dog with you in a strange land would be comforting, no?

And does the dog get superpowers too?

They pop popping out in an entirely different universe.

This is a big moment in the query. Making it a separate short sentence gives it power and drama.

You want to stay in Elenore's point of view here, so let's revise this:

Two sword-bearing forces arrive with one obvious goal:

They're met by two, separate sword-bearing forces.

Let's add separate here so the reader doesn't think these are two platoons of the same company.

capture the strangers from another world.

We don't really need to know what the SBFs want. They're not the important antagonist.

 Elenore is captured by the king's brigade, and Ben is captured by the resistance movement. against the king.

Let your reader do some of the work here. If you say resistance movement, the reader will fill in that they're resisting the King. 

From their captors inform them that they learn that when they entered the portal, they passed through “the pathways” and  coming through the portal developed gave them abilities  that allow them to wield energy from the space between worlds.

Out of desperation to

Desperate to reunite and return home, Elenore and Ben accept separate, yet similar deals.

So, you learn you have superpowers. What's the first thing you want to do?

Give them up and go home?

Really?

Cause if you told me I had superpowers, I'd want to know what they were, and how I could use them to do fun stuff, like fly (Sharknado!), or eat ice cream without sacrificing my svelte sharkly silhouette, or get the world to quit using the phrase safety deposit box (it's safe deposit box, and yes this is a hill I will die on.)

But here you have her using her abilities (still unspecified) to do something that she doesn't have a stake in. Why would she do it?

When we're puzzled by why a character acts in what seems to be an illogical or unrealistic way, we're NOT engaged.  You want your readers to engage, to care what happens to Elenore (and the dog!!!)

Elenore agrees to use her new abilities to help the king recapture the same city where Ben is held, and Ben agrees to use his powers to aid in the movement  resistance and to dethrone the king who captured Elenore.

These two characters don't seem to have much depth or personality.

It's ESSENTIAL that your characters be interesting and right now they seem lacking in imagination or sense of adventure.

 As part of the deal, Elenore gains a vast understanding of the nature of time, reality, and mortality from the space between worlds.

Well, that's nice but what can she DO?

 Despite that knowledge, she doesn’t realize the danger they are in.

Of course not. What's the fun of that.

VICTORIA, Elenore’s mentor,

wait, what?
Who the heck is Victoria?

And WHERE is she? As in which side of the portal.

Introducing a main character this late in the game is confusing.

has no idea that she is fated to inadvertently catalyze the end of the universe, causing it to be wiped from existence layer by layer. 

Ho hum.

If a character is fated for something they don't have any choice in the matter.

The essence of a good story is what choices the characters face and what path they choose.

Ben’s captor, the leader of the resistance movement against the king, might be the only one with information on how to prevent the destruction of the universe and has no intentions of sharing it. Unaware of their larger role, Elenore and Ben are sure their hardships will come to an end if they can manage to avoid manipulation and survive long enough to see the deal through, but it is only a matter of time before Victoria finds a way to seize power from the king, setting the unraveling of the universe into motion.

Ok, who's the antagonist here?

You've got (as you did in the first version) too much going on.

You don't need as much world building as you think.

You need to focus on Elenore. She seems to be the main character.

What does she want?

Make sure what she wants makes sense to us the reader.

You're in an alien world with superpowers! What would you want to do?

Then give us a sense of the dilemma she faces

There must be some sort of conflict or there's no plot.

You do need more three-dimensional characters and we must have a better sense of choices and stakes.

The style, tone, and characters of THE CROSSOVER will appeal to readers of are most comparable to A.K. Larkwood’s The Unspoken Name meets and Matt Haig’s The Midnight Library.

Here's the description of The Unspoken Name

What if you knew how and when you will die?

Csorwe does—she will climb the mountain, enter the Shrine of the Unspoken, and gain the most honored title: sacrifice.

But on the day of her foretold death, a powerful mage offers her a new fate. Leave with him, and live. Turn away from her destiny and her god to become a thief, a spy, an assassin—the wizard's loyal sword. Topple an empire and help him reclaim his seat of power.

But Csorwe will soon learn—gods remember, and if you live long enough, all debts come due.

Notice there is almost NO world building.

There's one sentence of set up.

The choices the main character faces are clear, as are the stakes.

All in fewer than 100 words.

This is your goal.

You have 380 in the query.

It is intended to be the first installment of a series that I hope will span 3-5 books.

It can stand alone but I envision it as the start of a series

new paragraph for personalization

(Insert personalization here).

I am querying you because you like kale and I like rabbits (or whatever.)

Thank you for your consideration,

Focus.

Pare down the events and increase character development.

There are a million portal stories in my inbox.

Show me (don't tell me) how yours is better, faster, more enticing.

I'd start with the dog.

That's interesting.

******

Initial query

Question/Concern:

I have been submitting queries to agents since May of 2022 and have only received kind rejections so far. I have decided to blame this on my query letter for now, and so I come to you with my struggle after reading the archives. I have a complex first installment of a fantasy series in progress, and it seems impossible to include the necessary information in a concise manner. I have left many important characters unmentioned, and I have failed to include the aspect of my plot that involves the protagonist's impending trek through the infinite layers of an infinite universe in a war of fate and freewill. In addition to that, I feel that some of the appealing aspects of my book, like the presence of ghosts and alternate timelines, alternating chapter perspectives, intricate arcs, and relatable societal problems can't be included without getting to a 1200 word query letter.

Dear Query Shark,

 I am writing to seek representation for THE CROSSOVER, which is a 137,000-word new adult, fantasy fiction novel.

For starters, your word count is high. 137K is an auto-pass for many agents.

Your category, new adult, is one that you might see referenced on Goodreads etc., but isn't all that useful for queries. New Adult started as a way to categorize books for readers above the YA age range (that tops out at 18.)

All too quickly it morphed into porn light. Think 50 Shades of Grey.

Now it's trying to make a comeback but in a query you want to use the most solid description you can. Your book is fantasy. You don't need to say fiction, cause fantasy is not non-fiction. (Current events not withstanding.)

And fiction novel is an instant pass for a lot of us.

So: The Crossover (137,000 words) is fantasy.

Except when you start with this, it just gives agents permission to pass without reading another word.  That's why I suggest you put this at the close of the query, NO MATTER WHAT.

(Personalize for agent here).

Personalization goes below as well. So many writers botch this up that it's just safer not to lead with it.

Comps go at the end too.

And you can NOT use Stephen King as a comp. He is in a category by himself. People read his books just cause he wrote them.  You don't have that advantage yet.

THE CROSSOVER is most comparable to Stephen King’s newest novel Fairy Tale mixed with Leigh Bardugo’s Shadow and Bone.

Shadow and Bone was first pubbed in 2013. It's too old to be an effective comp.

ELENORE (23), a curiosity-driven student of science,

This is not a police blotter, or a newspaper article. Don't put the ages in parenthesis.

and BENAIAH (Ben, 22), her grumbly companion with a heart of gold,

heart of gold is a cliche.

Agents are looking for things that are fresh and new.

inadvertently stumble across a portal to another world on their rental property in Indiana.

Elenore’s desire to prove their discovery compels them to enter the undulating void despite a vague, menacing message found graffitied on their wall promising death to Ben should they go.

What?

What does prove their discovery mean?

Also, try this without all the modifiers.

Elenore’s desire to prove their discovery compels them to enter the undulating void despite a vague, menacing message found graffitied on their wall promising death to Ben should they go.

A lot easier to understand without all the descriptors.

Over-modifying is a common flaw in early work.

Watch for it, and pluck out everything you don't need.

And you don't need anywhere near as much filigree as you think.

After entering the portal and becoming separated by the sword-bearing forces in the Kingdom of Corva, Elenore and Ben are informed that when they entered the portal, they passed through “the pathways” and developed abilities.

This sentence is 35 words long.

That means you've got too much information for your reader to readily absorb.

Short form work like a query usually means you want short sentences.

Other people have some abilities, but allegedly, none can wield the pathways like those that walk through time.

The construction of this sentence seems to convey that pathways walk through time.

My guess is that's not what you mean.

An easy fix is just to change out that for who.

Other people have some abilities, but allegedly, none can wield the pathways like those who walk through time.

According to the warring rulers, Elenore and Ben are potentially the most powerful in the kingdom. Out of desperation, Elenore and Ben accept similar deals by agreeing to help in the conflict that envelopes the kingdom in exchange for help returning home.

At this point I'm utterly befuddled.

Unbeknownst to Elenore, Victoria, her mentor and advisor to the misguided King Gael, has a vicious ambition to seize power. Despite the knowledge Elenore gains on her journey, she doesn’t realize the danger they are in. Opal, the scheming, untrustworthy leader of the resistance movement that captured Ben, is the only one who understands the extent of the danger they are in, and she intends to use the knowledge to bargain for her life when Elenore and the king invade the city she holds. Meanwhile, Victoria  has no idea her antagonistic actions will eventually lead to the collapse of the infinite layers in their cyclical universe. Even worse, Elenore, Ben, a dog, and several other friends are the only ones that stand a chance of altering fate enough to prevent it. They must decide between risking their lives for a foreign universe or living with the guilt of doing nothing to prevent its demise.

There's so much information here it's impossible to follow.

In a query you don't need anywhere near this much detail.

 What you need is:

What does the main character want?

What's blocking them from getting it?

What choices do they face?

What's at stake with those choices?

That's all you need.

I have been writing for as long as I can remember.

This may be true. It's not useful to say so in a query.

The ideas that shaped this novel often surfaced in the night, causing me to leap out of bed and take notes on a post-it stuck to a book next to my bed.

Also not useful in the query.

Now, as a 25-year-old high school English teacher with a Bachelor of Arts in English Education, I finally had the tools to sit down and finish it.

Also not useful

The manuscript is complete and ready for review.

I hope so, cause if you're querying an unfinished book, its an automatic pass.

In other words, no need to  state the obvious.

And review means something else. You're submitting your ms for consideration. But you still don't need to say so.

Agents do not generally care about how long you've loved to write or your process.

 I truly appreciate you taking the time to read my query,

Don't sound like I'm doing you a favor here.

I'm not.

I'm reading your query with the idea of becoming extremely wealthy by the sweat of your brow.

and I look forward to the possibility of hearing from you. 

Yea, my colleagues are notorious for no response means no which I find highly objectionable.

But let's not give them leave to do that by acknowledging it. Let them sauté in their own shame.

Thank you for your consideration, 

Unfortunately you've got a novel that has all the aspects of every other portal fantasy, and nothing that makes it distinctly your own.

That's the challenge to all writers. Fresh and new doesn't mean stories we've never seen. It means a different take or a different approach.

First Blood is essentially a fresh look at Beowulf.

Clueless is a new way to tell the story in Emma.

Every Jack Reacher novel is a Western, really: A stranger comes to town, shakes things up, then leaves.

A Western with no horses, no six-guns, no cattle rustlers. In other words, a fresh take.

So the problem here isn't the query. It's the novel.

Time to think about what you can change to put your own distinct spin on a portal fantasy.

 Think about what prompted you to write this. What do you want to say that hasn't been said before. 

As for your question: The problem is not lack of detail. It's too much detail. Agents don't expect to know everything about the book from the query. The query is the introduction, a brief taste of the meal that is the book.

You need to pare down here, but also figure out what makes your book distinctive, and get that on the page.

Revision #1

Dear Query Shark:

Lily Carter has hid her singing voice away for years for fear of rejection.

Lily Carter has hidden, not hid.

These kinds of mistakes can fell your query before you know it.

If grammar and syntax aren't your forte, it's ok. It's not a sign of bad writing, or low character.

Just recognize that it's a stumbling block and make friends with Miss Picklepuss, the copy editor from hell. She'll help you remove these gremlins. It might cost some money, but this is something you do want to invest in.

Her best friend (now ex-best friend)

you don't need both of these.

Your reader will intuit that they were once best friends if she's now the ex-best friend.

Watch for this kind of over-writing.

made it clear she should never sing in public if she can help it.

Suggest taking this last part out just to give the sentence more drama.

So Lily sings only when she's sure no one else can hear her. Imagine her embarrassment when the new kid in town catches her in the act.

Imagine her embarrassment takes us out of the narrative.

You're telling, not showing.

Avoid that.

She's embarrassed.

But embarrassed is such a tepid word for the plot point that's driving the narrative.

Here's a good place to get out the Thesaurus and dig around for more vivid words.

mortified

humiliated

(and there are others, take your pick)

Already at odds with Jack Sutton after an encounter with him at school, Lily expects nothing but scorn from him.

Again, pare out what you don't need.

This is the meat and tater tots of revising. Early drafts are almost always too long. Pare out everything you don't need.

But instead of making fun of her, he compliments her, throwing all her preconceived notions about what a terrible singer she is into question. 

It's NOT a preconceived notion, is it? It's what someone told her (someone with some sort of malevolent agenda it sounds like.)

Internal conflicts in a query are huge red flag. It tells me you don't have a handle on the plot, and the full manuscript may not hold together very well. Again, here's where Miss Picklepuss can be of great value.

Suddenly, the aggravating yet undeniably charming Jack keeps is popping up all over the place. At school, at church, and then there’s the real icing on the cake. It turns out that Jack is the brother of her new best friend.

Do we need to know any of this?

This next sentence connects to the previous one more directly.

With a musical background himself and a dogged belief that Lily has talent, Jack makes it his mission to get Lily back on the horse. Or the stage, so to speak.

Consider:

Jack has a musical background himself, and seems to think Lily has talent.

He makes it his mission to get Lily back on stage.

There's a LOT to be said for starting your sentences with the subject, not burying it in a clause.

As Lily spends more time with Jack and his spirited sister Cat, a self-consciousness Lily didn't even realize she had developed begins to mend.

She didn't realize she was self-conscious about her singing?

Are you serious here? That just doesn't make sense unless Lily is blindingly un-self aware.

She's literally stopped singing outside of the shower.

She even gets up the courage to enter the high school talent show thanks to a little prodding from Jack and his agreement to help her prepare for the show. When Jack starts giving her singing lessons, Lily slowly begins believing in herself again.  

But Lily has a few obstacles to overcome. Like that pesky stage fright thing. Or the ex-best friend who unexpectedly resurfaces and tries to sabotage Lily’s chances. Or the growing feelings she’s developing for her best friend’s brother. Lily must rely on her friends, her family, and her new-found confidence in order to get ready for talent show day.

You've got a lot of stuff going on here, but not very much plot.

What's the problem here?

Lily has been told she shouldn't sing in public.

What problem does that create?

Then Jack comes along and tells her she does have a singing voice.

What problem does that solve?

TAKE A DEEP BREATH is a young adult novel complete at 60,000 words

You don't need to say it's complete.

That's assumed.

And this just doesn't feel YA to me. There's no sense of Lily or Jack learning to navigate in the real world. There's no real romantic element.

that portrays the sarcastic, yet vulnerable Lily along with her lovable family and kindhearted friends.

Sarcastic?

Not in these pages she isn't.

A story of personal growth with a touch of romance, this novel is similar to Maybe This Time by Kasie West or Eyes on Me by Rachel Harris.

I am a small town Minnesota gal, where a person can go from wearing a sweatshirt and wool socks one day to a tank top and sandals the next. This is my first novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

you've got a lot of concept but not enough story.

You need more plot on the page. The problem Lily faces, and the choices to solve, and what's at stake.

It will help if we see those things for Jack too.

You've only got 60K here so you've a got a LOT of room to add more depth.

******

Original query

This query is a completely revised one from the one I started with as that one got me a couple of partial requests, but nothing serious. Now, since I've started using this query, I haven't even gotten a nibble. 

In the first  53 words you have two problems that could lead to an immediate pass.

While agents aren't actively looking for reasons to pass if you give them two in short order, that's what's going to happen.

My first query was succinct but a bit commercial in my opinion. So I tried to offer a quirkier approach with this one.

 A bit commercial isn't a bad thing. Agents are looking for things they can sell (ie commercial).

 I did beef up my bio after reading your archives. 

141 words is about 100 too many. See notes below. An extensive bio doesn't make up for problems in the query so lets focus on that.

You also stated in the archives that queries should have at least 2 comps. Is it okay to comp an author instead like I did?  

 No, see notes below

Dear Query Shark:

People are creatures of habit. They take the same route to school every day, they buy the same brand of soap they always do, and they listen to the same radio station, day in and day out. And they also sit at the same school desk every morning in first period English class.

When I read this, I have no idea if you're querying for fiction or non-fiction.

That's a big problem when agents are getting dozens of queries a week.

Big problem = pass.

It's more effective to start with the character's name and what problem she faces

At least, that’s what Lily Carter used to do.

Consider instead:

People are creatures of habit.

Lily Carter is a creature of habit.

They take the same route to school every day, they buy the same brand of soap they always do, and they listen to the same radio station, day in and day out.

She takes the same route to school every day, buys the same brand of soap, listens to the same radio station, day in and day you.

 And they also sit at the same school desk every morning in first period English class.

And sit at the same desk every morning in first period English.

But when you revise like this the real problem becomes very clear.

You're describing someone who doesn't sound very interesting. In fact, she sounds dull as dishwater.

That's DEATH in a query, particularly in YA.

Death = pass.

Now, if there's a reason Lily is so methodical in her daily life, that would give her some depth.

Is this how she feels safe?

Did she read Gustave Flaubert and take his advice to heart: "Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent and original in your work."

Let's give Lily some context here.

 Until Jack Sutton just waltzed in and stole it right out from under her. The gentlemanly thing to do would have been to give it back. Instead, he refused to acknowledge her rightful claim of dibs and in the process managed to ruffle her feathers, push her buttons, flip her lid, and get her goat. If you know what I mean.

Because he sat in her chair?

Does this seem like a very intense reaction to something that's essentially not important?  It's not like he said her mum wears army boots.

So, Jack is the last person on earth that Lily wants witnessing her humiliating attempt at singing.

There's no connection here between Jack stealing her seat in English class and witnessing her humiliating attempt at singing.

How is it that Jack is in her life at all?

Lily has been very careful to keep her voice under wraps after receiving rejection at the hands of a close friend.

What was Lily trying to do that a close friend rejected her?

Specifics are much more compelling than generalities.

You don't want to be awash in too much detail, but you need more than you have here.

Surprisingly though, Jack challenges her belief of mediocrity. 

What he actually does is challenge her belief that her singing is mediocre.

You need razor sharp, precise sentences in a query.

He actually begins to make her question a lot of things. Like the idea that the talent show is out of her league. Maybe, it's not. Maybe, she could even win it.

Although there is the small matter of that pesky stage fright thing…

So far, there's nothing interesting about Lily, and she sounds rather like a basket case. This is a HUGE problem in YA that is character driven.

As Lily gets closer to Jack and his spirited sister Cat, a self-consciousness Lily didn't even realize she had developed begins to mend. Thanks to a little prodding from her new friends, Lily signs up for the talent show. 

 What does Jack see in Lily that he's investing time and emotional support in her?

But someone from Lily's past is determined to see her fail. 

This is absolutely out of left field. With no context it's like a big ink blot on the page.

Let's give the antagonist some more page time.

Lily must rely on her friends, her family, and her new-found confidence in order to overcome the obstacles in her way. 

What obstacles? I thought there was an antagonist trying to thwart her.

Take a Deep Breath is a young adult novel complete at 60,000 words that portrays the sarcastic, yet vulnerable Lily along with her lovable family and kindhearted friends. A story of personal growth with a touch of romance, this novel will appeal to fans of Kasie West.

You need to use titles, not authors. Those titles need to be recent, no earlier than 2019.

Your bio is 141 words. Given a query should be 250-300 you've spent a larger percentage of your word count on your bio and not your book.

I am a small town Minnesota gal, where a person can go from wearing a sweatshirt and wool socks one day to a t-shirt and sandals the next. With a penchant for staying in every night with my two cats and a DVD collection to rival a Blockbuster store (are there any of those in existence anymore?) one might be tempted to call me an introvert. If it weren't for my extroverted husband, I just might be. Kudos to him for getting me out of my comfort zone and making friends with the outside world. Who knew I would enjoy things like pickleball and Korean BBQ? (not at the same time, for heaven's sake). This is my first novel and

 I'm looking to team up with an agent who can help an eager, wide-eyed newcomer navigate the ropes of the literary world.

This kind of statement is counter-productive.

Agents see this as code for needy and naive.  Even if you are these things, they're not something you'd put in your bio.  Remember a query is also about the agent assessing if you're someone they want to work with. Someone who clearly will need a lot of hand holding is less likely to get a nod. Just leave this kind of statement out.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

This does not have enough edge to be YA.

It sounds middle grade to me.

There's no sense of Lily coming to terms with the larger world, or figuring out her place in it.

It's all character development and very light on plot.

There's not enough story on the page.

Please visit In Memoriam: Janet Reid for more about the late great Shark. 

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THE SPELLSHOP IS A NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER (#7), A USA TODAY BESTSELLER (#13), AND AN INDIE BESTSELLER (#10)!!!!!!!! I’M SOBBING!!!! Thank you so much to everyone at Bramble/Tor/Macmillan who made my dreams come true, including the incredible Ali Fisher, Dianna Vega, Caro Perny, and Julia Bergen! Thank you so much to my amazing agent Andrea Somberg who has been with me for 18 years and 28 books! And thank you to the wonderful booksellers and readers who made this possible!!!! I love you all so much!!!

Proof I didn't dream it. https://www.nytimes.com/books/best-sellers/2024/07/28/hardcover-fiction/

It happened again. NYT. #7 again. I have no words, except THANK YOU. https://www.nytimes.com/books/best-sellers/2024/08/11/hardcover-fiction/

OMG, it happened AGAIN!!! THE SPELLSHOP hit the NYT Bestseller List for the 4th time! At #13 this week! And hit the USA Today list for the 5th week in a row! Thank you all so much for making my dreams come true over and over and over and over again!!!

https://www.nytimes.com/books/best-sellers/2024/08/25/hardcover-fiction/

It happened again. FIVE WEEKS ON THE NYT LIST!!! And on the USA Today list for seven weeks in a row! How is this possible?!? Thank you all so incredibly much for all the love you've shown THE SPELLSHOP. I am grateful beyond my ability to express. 

https://www.nytimes.com/books/best-sellers/2024/09/08/hardcover-fiction/